Another Wednesday; anyone else feeling like they are just coming really fast? This is the 12th week of the year, according to Google Assist, and it’s only the 83rd day. I feel like I’ve had too much “life experience” for 2021 already and I’d like to just skip the next part.
I made this week’s cake with cannabis infused butter, and let me tell you…the best sleep!!! I wake up refreshed and really rested. Will go back to regular cake tomorrow, but I expect I’ll be making another one of these soon enough. It was gentle magic.
I had my annual physical today. Healthy! The only “dings” is continued loss of the lower hearing registers and my incredibly stubborn vitamin D deficiency. It’s like no matter what I do I can’t get it to get to and stay in a normal range. When doc heard about these last three months, he kept asking if I’d like to try an increase in one of my anti-depressants. I told him I’d like to think about it. Like do I need it? Will it make any of this easier? I just feel like I need to name how I feel vs. how I want to feel vs. what’s chemically possible. I’m not into unnecessary suffering, and there was a time when I would have happily accepted the new dose, but I really need to check in with myself first, I guess.
Hope is the same; which is good in that at least things aren’t worse. With improving weather I’m keen on getting her outside a bit. I have a very small window to do that in before the bugs hit in late spring. Getting Hope out of her bed and into the shower regularly is the daily goal; look at me with BHAG goals trying to get her out of the house. She is eating a little more now that I’ve given up on balanced eating and leaned into just getting calories into her. My gawd, I’m buying vienna sausages and pop-can biscuits. Last week we had breakfast sandwiches for dinner because she gobbled them right up. I just buy whatever I can get her to eat, and I cook often to create additional choices.
I’m starting to think about the fall, and what it holds for me and Hope. Will she go back to her college? Will she be able and ready to? Will I be ready to begin traveling for work again? If Hope does go back to college, how will my life change again? I’ve got just under 2 years until I turn 50; how do I want to end this chapter? I’m really starting to think about all this. It’s like my 2021 pt 2 vision board is coming into view. I do really wonder what will become of my sweet daughter? Will she begin to find her way again? Will she feel strong enough to make decisions again? Will she be able to go back to doing dumbass college shit? I mean, after this last year, and especially 8 months or so, I am almost mad at my naive self and how irritated I was when I stumbled upon Hope’s stash. I wish we could just go back to that. Knowing what I know now, I would have just taken that stash, made brownies and gone on about my business. Yeah, I just want her to be doing dumb college ish again…at college.
I have not been spending as much time on social media lately, but I have noted all kinds of drama rumblings about transracial adoption and the recent tragedy of hate crimes committed against Asian Americans. Asian TR adoptees have been sharing their stories of struggling culturally and identity-wise having been raised with no cultural connection, being raised to be grateful for being adopted, and being considered the “not like the other Asians.” White APs who do believe in this stuff come out of the woodwork to troll adoptees. Whew what a mess! I was telling Hope about it, to which she replied that White folks and APs need to talk less and listen more. She’s not wrong.
Work is…ugh. This just continues to be a tough go of it. Maybe a med adjustment would give me better coping skills for work. Today somehow I’ve got swept up in some drama over a private company. Owner and I have chatted about diversity; this week it’s been like he thinks I’m his personal diversity guide. Anyway, tomorrow I have to intervene and guide a major course correct that ain’t even my job. I literally have to Olivia Pope this thing; why you ask? White supremacy + patriarchy = some bullshit every day and 5x on Sunday. I’m already over it.
I get my second vaccine this Saturday. #joy I got Hope on the state registry this week; hopefully she won’t have to wait too long. I will see my parents in less than 2 weeks.
I’m off next week. I think I’m going to get us a hotel room. In fact, I need to look into that right now. A room with a view, good cable channels and a mean room service menu. I just want someone else to take care of things for a couple of days.
I’m heading into a recipe rut. I’ve got tons of recipes, but I think I’ll be trolling for something new soon. I need to revive my kitchen creativity. I’ve been slowly building the pantry back up with things for different recipes. I really just need to get into the kitchen and put in some work. I occasionally invite Hope to cook with me, but it stresses both of us out. I tend to use recipes as a guide; I love improvising. Hope hates this and freaks if she misses any step of the recipe. We are cooking opposites. In any case, maybe that’s what I’ll get her to research this week–new recipes.
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