So two amazing things happened today.
- My dissertation quantitative study response rate tipped past 50%! This high response rate wasn’t really necessary, but it is a really awesome development for my study.
- Way, way, way more important: Hope sent me a letter.
Did you catch that???
HOPE SENT ME A LETTER!!!
So, I up until this point, I thought the rainbow, unicorned sparklies of seeing her profile could not be topped. They were easily surpassed by Match Day. Then today, out of the blue I get an email from my agency that included her letter, dictated to her therapist yesterday.
So, of course that makes today the new Best. Day. Ever!
My bio was given to Hope yesterday as a way of introducing to the idea of me adopting. She was told that it was a letter, so she was insistent on responding back. How awesome is that???
She likes me! She really likes me!
She asked about The Furry One and what it was like in Virginia. She told me about her hair and asked me if I would help her with it. She asked about the schools , if she would have to buy a uniform and if we could go bike riding. She mentioned that she’s a chocoholic too. She said she looked forward to our first phone call. It was, without question, the best letter ever written. Ever!
I was in a staff meeting doodling on my tablet when this email came in, and I began to tear up as I read this sweet, precious letter from my new daughter. What a thoughtful thing for this child to do, expressing curiosity and responsiveness. I’d like to think that this might be a great beginning for our future communications even long after she moves here. I’d like to think that maybe we will leave each other sweet notes in lunch bags and on the mirror and that we’ll talk about important things on park benches with some ice cream a year from now.
I also know that I’ll have a laminated copy of this letter for those nights I’ll clutch it while I cry myself to sleep when I’m wondering what the hell kind of parent I am and if I just totally bombed that moment of discipline, bonding, or conversation. I’ll look at this letter and remember when she was curious about me, eager to know me and how I almost had to hold myself back for fear of giving too much too soon.
I know that some moms have told me that me that loving a child nearly breaks your heart because it is like your heart can’t even hold all the love for this kid in one place. That love just grows and grows. I know that the affection I feel for Hope will change and grow, but I already feel my heart stretching in ways I didn’t know were even possible. I’m starting to get it, but I’m not sure I have the words to describe this kind of consuming desire to protect and love Hope. It’s actually startling; two months ago, I didn’t even know she was out there.
I’m so excited that I’ve cried most of the day. Seriously, I’m going to have to get better waterproof mascara if this keeps up. On days with breaking adoption news, I’m crying my make up off by noon. These days its happy tears. I hope I get to cry happy tears tomorrow!
AdoptiveBlackMom 
September 11th, 2013 at 8:09 am
She sounds amazing, I just love that she wrote you such an inquisitive and caring letter, she clearly wants to be part of your life! So happy for you! Yes, that feeling of love and “heart stretching” you feel is amazing and will only continue to grow. Adding other feelings of not being able to “fix things” when they come home sobbing over something that happened at school (that she probably won’t recall in about 48 hours flat :-), seeing her in physical pain and not being able to take it all away, giving some independence and worrying yourself sick, but then discovering she is just fine…yes, you are joining the exhilarating roller coaster ride of parenthood, welcome!
I remember after having my daughter in my mid 30s that I was surprised my life could change so dramatically, I’d thought I’d pretty much done it all and experienced it all at that point! But no, this love and bond was something bigger and more important. It’s like your legacy and your biggest contribution on this earth just shifted dramatically. Although I was/am still a career woman, it all pales in comparison. I’d give it all up right now in exchange for a warm hug and words of appreciation from my kid. It means THAT MUCH! I have a stack of handmade cards and letters I read when filled with self doubt, you’re right on target about all of that, yes! But it won’t happen as much as you might think, and this Hope is one special, incredible girl, just like her soon-to-be momma! Let the rainbows dance and the unicorns continue to sparkle as the process moves forward!