Still here. Still trucking.
Hope and I are experiencing a nice peaceful period. It’s nice.
It’s also kind of triggering in its own way. Hope and I have had a difficult few years dealing with major bouts of anxiety, depression, the pandemic, and “fits.” Many of the last 3ish years feel like a bunch of previous challenging years all smooshed together.
It’s been hard.
But we’re still here, and Hope is as close to thriving as I’ve seen in a good long while. She is still employed, but she’s also looking for a different job. We’ve identified a new therapist; everyone has adjusted meds in the last few months. Things are good, something like normal.
And yet, during these drama-lacking periods, I find myself waiting for the bottom to drop out. I don’t trust it. I’ve become so practiced at coping through incredibly difficult periods that I feel like I’ve forgotten what normal feels like. I’m actually still anxious. And because the body doesn’t forget, I know that we are coming up on a triggering time for Hope. Her birthday and the anniversary of her parent’s death. I don’t think that Hope realizes that those few weeks in June/July are the danger zone, but I’ve learned to steel myself.
I’m hopeful that we can stay in this zone. I’ve really got some trauma around this block of time. So I’ve tipped off my therapist, trying to plan some fun things for myself and hoping I can keep this family train on the tracks. I’m so excited by how far we’ve come in the last 5 months, but are we stable enough? We’re not where I’d like us to be, but I’m so grateful for the progress that’s been made. And yet still…Scared!
I’m getting better at picking my battles. I let a lot of things go. I’m also realizing just how much my head injury has affected my life. Sometimes I get so frustrated by how that brief collision changed me. It doesn’t help that I also developed seasonal photophobia. The angle of the sun for several weeks before and after the summer equinox are brutal for me. My brain doesn’t process the light well. These lingering symptoms are super frustrating, especially since they coincide with our family’s most challenging time of the year.
I’m low-key terrified.
Somehow I hope to get reacquainted with normal so that it’s not so scary. I’m hopeful we’ll have a super boring start to our summer.