Yesterday was an exercise in pivoting. The condo building has been having water issues; unannounced the building engineers shut the water down at 11am. It wasn’t scheduled to return to order until 8pm. Yeah, awesome on the day before the biggest food fest all year right? Not.
We salvaged our day by going to meet and greet some family. I’m not going to try to catch up with blogging about Day 5 since it’s running together with Day 6 pretty strong.
5. Older cousins are magical.
I have an older cousin who is about 6 years older than me who I think is simply a goddess. She’s beautiful, smart, older, wiser, awesome…I was always so excited to get to spend time with her when we were growing up. She was always so loving and kind and she was hands down, the coolest cousin who was like my older cooler sister I could’ve dreamed up. Well, she has a 16 year old daughter who is nearly her splitting image. I think Hope fell in love with her yesterday.
Little T was kind, loving, thoughtful and generous with my daughter. Their multi-hour bonding session allowed me some much needed grown up time and just allowed me to breathe in a way I haven’t since she got off the plane. I also got to bond with my older cousin, and I think both Hope and I scored big with the cousin outing yesterday. It was magical.
4. Back-talking is a trigger for me.
Hope has a mouth on her. Nothing is ever her fault and has a tendency to be oppositional. She will cut me off mid-sentence and that ish drives me nuts and can easily be a flash point for me. I had to break it down for her that I will not tolerate being spoken to any kind of way, I’m not her home girl, I will respect her but I will also demand respect. I understand that she has something to say, and I will give her a chance to speak her peace, but it will not happen over me.
3. I worry I won’t be able to give her the attention she needs.
She is an attention sponge. I love her but I need some time. I haven’t been very good today about giving her the attention she needs. I’m tired and cranky, and some of her behaviors coupled with my fatigue make us both vulnerable. I am careful to apologize and explain if I go too far. I try to be sensitive. But I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say that although I love this kid beyond anything I’ve ever experienced, she has gotten on my got-dern nerves in the last 24 hours realizing the gravity of her emotional needs.
I’ve gotten so I only read a few blogs, and I sometimes see people explore their feelings for the adopted older children. Some people talk about loving them, some don’t. Some talk about not liking them but loving them or not loving them but liking them. I know I love Hope, but admittedly, I haven’t liked her very much the last 24 hours. I feel like I should feel guilty about that, but I don’t. It is what it is. This is a huge transition. I’m not going anywhere, but sigh…
I worry I’m not going to be able to fill that giant hole.
2. I did write about fatigue already, right? A couple of days ago? Well, here’s the remix.
Yeah, I am so tired that I really just want to put clean sheets on the bed, put on clean PJs and sleep for like days. I’m not wired to sleep for long periods of time, but, my God, I really feel like I could.
I am working on a fantasy where the Furry One, Hope and I lay in silence in a big bed with amazingly fluffing bedding with sunbeams that shine on us to warm and bathe us in natural light. There’s a light breeze, not chilly, but a nice summer weight blankie is casually tossed across us. There a glass of chilled blush vinho verde on my night table and I just snooze. You know that delicious snoozing that you can get on a summer Saturday afternoon when you miraculously have nothing to do.
Yeah, that. So not going to happen. There’s a kid chattering and tapping on things and a dog who’s barking because he’s hard of hearing.
Yeah, I need more coffee.
1. I’m ready for Thanksgiving to be over. Can we fast forward through the rest of the day?
I’m so glad Hope is here. But the expectations for this visit and this holiday combined are too frigging high. I’m really, really stressed. Do I think anything dramatic will happen, not really, except me or Hope freaking out about it being Thanksgiving and all.
I’ve been up since before 3am. She’s been complaining about a tummy ache since waking up. She’s talking loud to the tv trying to get my attention. I don’t really even want more coffee. I just want quiet. I don’t want visitors. I want to see my family but I would love an excuse not to go. I don’t want to wonder if things will go smoothly or not. I’m just worn out. I’m thankful for my beautiful daughter. But I want a just move past this day and get a do-over for tomorrow.
I don’t want advice. I don’t want anything more than just calm, expectation-less quiet. I’m happy, in my own way. I’m just a little at wits end and frazzled today.
And now I’m going to sign off because my out of town family are here and I’ve got to manage another round of meet and greets.