So Hope and I have had phone contact every day since I told her that she was moving. And every day our chats have hit a snag like an ugly hang nail.
I ended last night’s call abruptly because it was after 11pm my time, and I’d been working on my dissertation for 3 hours with only a few sentences to show for it (I’ve been doing analysis, so there’s technically stuff in my brain, but I can’t show that), and she was so obnoxious that I said to both of us:
“You know, I’ve only got a week before I have to deal full time both of our attitudes at the same time, and then I only will be able to leave the room rather than just say goodbye and hang up.”
She replied, “Oh really? Ok, whatever” with lots of attitude and implied dare.
I said, “Yeah, love you. Peace out homie.” And click.
Somewhere in there I feel a bit of guilt, but not a lot, very little actually. So, yeah, I clicked the “end call” button, popped a sleeping pill so I could clock 4 hours of sleep and get up and back to work.
I feel like I’m racing. Racing towards Hope and racing against time clinging to life before full-time Hope.
There are things I want and need to do before she gets here. It feels like there isn’t enough time. It probably doesn’t even matter, but it seems that it does on some level. These fleeting moments of being able to say no and shut it down feel delicious. I’m giving myself a break about the tiny bit of guilt I feel about that.
There’s a part of me that feels like I’ll be trapped once she’s here. She’s not an infant, and we’re not really trapped, so I’m guessing it’s the reality of the WE versus the ME. I really am fretting a bit about what happens to ME as a separate entity, separate identity. I didn’t imagine this identity thing really freaking me out as much as it has.
Ugh. Again, emotions are messy. And nothing like practically hanging up on your obnoxious 12 year old daughter one week before placement, followed by irritating AM texting from an ex who wanted to remind me that he thinks of me all the time <eye roll>. Yeah, that kind of morning. Blech.
Team meeting about the kiddo later today.
Sigh…
AdoptiveBlackMom 
January 14th, 2014 at 6:23 pm
This sounds how I’ve been feeling regarding Stinky leaving but flipped.
January 14th, 2014 at 7:42 pm
Yes. The identity issue. Although I’m not even close to having a child in the home, I can definitely empathize. I get scared that I’ll give up all the uniqueness of me to focus on a child and that is a very scary thing.
This parenthood thing is more than a notion.
January 15th, 2014 at 3:11 pm
It is so serious! I know I’m ready, but is a wicked head space.
January 14th, 2014 at 10:22 pm
I hear you and wish you well. Honestly I have a sitter come once a week to watch the kids so I can have some me time so I don’t lose those aspects which in turn keep me healthy. It is an adjustment but you will get use to it and oh yeah totally worth it!!!
January 15th, 2014 at 3:13 pm
Thanks. I have to remember that nurturing my own identity is healthy and good for both of us.
January 15th, 2014 at 8:13 pm
Thanks for sharing this. I can tell you from the “other side” that she is just as terrified as you. As you probably already know, this is a huge step for her as well. I’m sending all my love your way. You probably have a whole team of support, but please feel free to ask me any questions – I’m more than willing to help any way I can. Now get some sleep 🙂
January 15th, 2014 at 8:24 pm
I imagine she’s actually probably more terrified than me. She’s the one giving up everything she’s ever known–the bad *and* the good. Thanks so much for your kind words and supportive spirit! And yeah, I may be sending you questions from time to time! 🙂 Thanks!