So Hope and I have had phone contact every day since I told her that she was moving. And every day our chats have hit a snag like an ugly hang nail.
I ended last night’s call abruptly because it was after 11pm my time, and I’d been working on my dissertation for 3 hours with only a few sentences to show for it (I’ve been doing analysis, so there’s technically stuff in my brain, but I can’t show that), and she was so obnoxious that I said to both of us:
“You know, I’ve only got a week before I have to deal full time both of our attitudes at the same time, and then I only will be able to leave the room rather than just say goodbye and hang up.”
She replied, “Oh really? Ok, whatever” with lots of attitude and implied dare.
I said, “Yeah, love you. Peace out homie.” And click.
Somewhere in there I feel a bit of guilt, but not a lot, very little actually. So, yeah, I clicked the “end call” button, popped a sleeping pill so I could clock 4 hours of sleep and get up and back to work.
I feel like I’m racing. Racing towards Hope and racing against time clinging to life before full-time Hope.
There are things I want and need to do before she gets here. It feels like there isn’t enough time. It probably doesn’t even matter, but it seems that it does on some level. These fleeting moments of being able to say no and shut it down feel delicious. I’m giving myself a break about the tiny bit of guilt I feel about that.
There’s a part of me that feels like I’ll be trapped once she’s here. She’s not an infant, and we’re not really trapped, so I’m guessing it’s the reality of the WE versus the ME. I really am fretting a bit about what happens to ME as a separate entity, separate identity. I didn’t imagine this identity thing really freaking me out as much as it has.
Ugh. Again, emotions are messy. And nothing like practically hanging up on your obnoxious 12 year old daughter one week before placement, followed by irritating AM texting from an ex who wanted to remind me that he thinks of me all the time <eye roll>. Yeah, that kind of morning. Blech.
Team meeting about the kiddo later today.