Learning to Say Yes (Sometimes)

So, my local county is not particularly friendly to those of us who are creating families across state lines.  We could not register for school yesterday because, despite my legwork, we hit a major roadblock yesterday.  Apparently when a child from outside of the Commonwealth is placed in my county, the county wants a blood oath that if this adoption thing doesn’t work out that I will reimburse the county for her public school education.

Yeah.  I call bull-hitsay.

So offended.

Had I lived in a car or been otherwise undocumented, we might’ve had an easier path.

But no.  I live in one of the most affluent counties in the country, and they have no desire to support adoptive families without nickel and diming us about public school tuition until finalization.   My county supervisor will be hearing from me and it won’t be pretty.

The good news is that we are registering this afternoon and Hope is going to school tomorrow.

Hang on; I need a moment of delicious silence to contemplate this.


With the few hours of school related respite I’m counting on, I’m also going to try to wrap my head around learning to say yes to Hope on some things.

Helping her learn expectations for our home has actually gone reasonably well, but while we were unpacking her boxes that arrived and discussing the purchase of some new shoes for an upcoming event she shut me down before I could reply to a request for a shoe with a low heel.  I hadn’t even had the chance to hesitate, but I suppose my brow must’ve furrowed in a way that suggested I was going to say no eventually.  #nonverbalfail

“You never let me do anything!”

Now this, of course, is not true and was likely an incredibly normal outburst for a tween.  But it led to 45 minutes of sulking followed by a hidden controlled cry for me.  I have had to say no to a number of things but I usually give choices to redirect a no to a “here are your options.”  Sometimes I need to just say yes, especially to the small stuff. Truth be told, I immediately thought a cute tiny wedge or kitten heel would look great on her and suit our purposes, but I never got a chance to say anything.

So this got me to thinking, how can I create some scenarios in which I say yes, if for no other reason than to reinforce that I can say yes, as much as I say no.

So, today we’ll look at some shoes on Zappo’s, and eventually I will say yes to a pair.

I will say yes to ice cream today after school registration.

I will say yes to Wii gaming.  (I will later nurse the bruises that all those arms and legs banging into me because she can barely control her body.  Turns out Wii is a contact sport.)

I will say yes to a trip to the trampoline park this weekend.

My girl just needs to hear yes a few times.


About AdoptiveBlackMom

I'm a single Black professional woman living in the DC area. I adopted my now adult daughter in 2014, and this blog chronicles my journey. Feel free to contact me at adoptiveblackmom@gmail.com, on Facebook at Adoptive Black Mom, and on Twitter @adoptiveblkmom. ©www.AdoptiveBlackMom.com, 2013-2022. All rights reserved. (Don't copy my ish without credit!) View all posts by AdoptiveBlackMom

10 responses to “Learning to Say Yes (Sometimes)

  • faithcbrown

    Wow…that is just crazy about wanting reimbursed…way to go school in making yourselves look really pro-child-NOT!

    • AdoptiveBlackMom

      Here’s the kicker that really made me almost lose it. Yesterday while registering I saw the students bill of rights posted; the one that says their main right is to a free public education. Hey I don’t mind taxes to support and provide said education but the picking and choosing of which kids based on legal status and presumed residency that doesn’t favor the legal documents in my possession–well I don’t get it.

  • thefamilyof5

    I also NEED to say yes more often!

    NO is just easier isn’t it sometimes!

    I get stuck in a rut of ‘no’ and find I need to break the cycle and be daring with a ‘yes’ once in a while 🙂

    Ps outraged on your behalf re the schooling/funding thing, that’s disgraceful.

    • AdoptiveBlackMom

      No is an easy default but I realize that right now she really, really needs to hear yes. I don’t want her thinking I want to change everything about her, when I really don’t. Creating structure has been really challenging during these first few days, and yet I know it’s critical for us. Creating the needed structure has involved my saying no a lot more than I realized.

      Yeah, the school situation is just…so infuriating.

  • lifebytce

    Great insight! We all have that need, the need to hear yes sometimes. Boo to the school situation.

  • A-Kay

    Sorry to hear about the school situation. I will be hopeful that it will all work out for you

  • AdoptiveNYMomma

    Good idea to create some yes situations. You are right on about the hard part balancing I can totally relate!! Sorry about school that stinks but glad it worked out.

  • justmyluckylife

    It blows my mind the commonalities our children have despite their age differences. My little girl is 3.5 and she also does best with “here are your options” scenarios and has a very hard time with the “no”. I realize that this is also the age she wants to have control over her situation, so it could be for very different reason’s than Hope, but fascinating nonetheless.

    • AdoptiveBlackMom

      Yes, it really is about control and a fear of more loss. The loss and trauma stuff is so deep, so very deep. I think they are probably more alike than not; it’s all fight or flight stuff that is hard wired, I think.

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