One day I may share the details behind these feelings in more detail, maybe, maybe not. Just know that today rates as one of the lowest days of my life. This adoption thing is a beast. Trauma lingers and just wreaks havoc long, long after the original incident. It’s stunning how the long the reach is and how devastating its touch remains.
Today was so difficult because I had to step up and be the mom of a child who has endured unspeakable trauma. I’m not proud of the stripes I had to earn with the decisions I had to make today, but I made them just the same. And I am heartbroken by them. I have had some tough days in this life, but few will compare to the day I had to make a decision that will be one of my and Hope’s life crucibles. I know that everything will change after this. It’s scary, but there’s also hope in the midst. Just know that today was a tough, tough day for me and for my lovely Hope. But tomorrow will be a new day for us.
Tonight I am practicing my own self soothing behaviors watching trash tv, eating fried chicken fingers, eating a rustic loaf of bread slathered in butter and cheese and losing myself in a bottle of blush vinho verde…yeah, the bottle, it’s yummy. Oh and I’m trying to catch up on a few things at the office. I shudder to think how my late night, tipsy emails about spreadsheets will read in the light of day. Oh well.
My wish this evening is that someday my precious Hope will find it in her heart to know that the drastic decision I was forced to make today was in her best interest, that I did it out of love, that I did it to save her. I hope someday, sooner rather than later that she won’t be so very sad about leaving bad things behind and embracing goodness and light, and that she will, on her own volition, someday choose to step into happiness in this new chapter with me, the Furry One and all of the many people who have come to love her after only a few weeks and months.
I hope someday that the trauma of the necessity of my decision will fade and that the hurt, anger and downright fury born today will be replaced with love, joy and true healing. I hope someday that she will know and trust that I will always have her back, to care for her, to always put her essential needs first. In the face of anger and heartbreak I proved that today. I hope that we both recover from all the events of the day and that we will find our happy together, healing and healed, safe and sound, loving and loved.
This journey is the greatest test of faith I have ever endured. Everything before was a test for this moment. My Holy Homeboy doesn’t promise us peace, he promises us peace in the midst of the storm. I’m still paddling in the storm; you can’t see all my tears because it’s just raining so damn hard. But we’re going to be ok, we will make it. Be encouraged, somehow, I am.