Radio Silence

silence

It’s been more than three weeks since I last heard a peep from my church on my request to publicly dedicate Hope. I mean nothing. Not a quick email, phone call, nothing.

The last email I got thanked me for letting them know that National Adoption Awareness Month was coming up and they are praying for me and Hope.

The silence is actually deafening. It hurts my ears and my heart.  I wish the Holy Homeboy had built me for patience, but I discovered many years ago that he simply did not wire me that way.

Sigh.

I finally sent an email withdrawing my request. I’m sure that somewhere the Holy Homeboy is disappointed in all of us, but I couldn’t take anymore, so I just pulled back. I’m strong, but this was the place where I drew strength. and it all dried up.

You can’t be strong if you’re thirsty. #ABMism

Each day the silence and the rejection it implied became more painful; each day it revealed to me how we were viewed by our church—as some kind of anomaly. Each day it told me that we don’t fit, even if on the surface it looks like we do. Each day it affirmed to me about how our church’s mission maybe didn’t really mean me and Hope should be there. Each day it just took something from me…it actually stole a part of my heart from me, right after it stomped on it.

Or in this case it's better than no response at all.

Or in this case it’s better than no response at all.

I am protective of Hope. I know I will have to tell her that this isn’t happening. I think I’ll wait until she asks though. She will, and I will deal with it then. I don’t think she needs to know the truth. She’s lost so much already. I can’t bear the thought of losing a church too. We’ll probably still worship there for a while; she enjoys it so very much. But I don’t see myself there anymore. The thought of going just feels…empty.

I hope that I will forgive as the Holy Homeboy does. And that I will find some grace to cope; adoption requires so grace and some days I don’t feel built for that either.

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About AdoptiveBlackMom

I'm a single Black professional woman living in the DC area. I adopted tween a few years ago, and this blog chronicles our journey. Feel free to contact me at adoptiveblackmom@gmail.com, on Facebook at Adoptive Black Mom, and on Twitter @adoptiveblkmom. ©www.AdoptiveBlackMom.com, 2013-2016. All rights reserved. (Don't copy my ish without credit!) View all posts by AdoptiveBlackMom

10 responses to “Radio Silence

  • AdoptiveNYMomma

    Wow how very very unfair and upsetting. I am truly sorry that you too are experiencing discrimination by a community suppose to support you. I pray you find what you need to meet your spiritual goals and a community who welcomes you as you are.

  • Katie

    Ugh, that is so disappointing, especially since that church has been such a good fit for you both up until now. I hope you and Hope can find a new church home that understands adoptive families better, or at least is willing to try.

  • Valarie J

    Sounds like you need to go church-shopping! My wife and I found good people in the Unitarian Church who are very used to different kinds of families and were always supportive. I know it’s not Christian like you’re used to, but their sermons are very similar and they would have no problem with you believing in Jesus if that’s what gives you strength!

    • AdoptiveBlackMom

      Thanks Valarie. I really want to go church shopping and probably will dabble a bit, but Hope is actually doing well at this church and I hate disrupting that. There’s a certain amount of hypocrisy that I feel like I might have to live with for a little while anyway as I try to get past this. 😦 I’m sad.

  • momto3sugars

    Friend, leave! You and Hope need support! I am in shock and in total disbelief! Please, please find a church that has true believers and true friends to be with during this time in your life! Maybe start visiting other churches on special days or just for their “special events” to start with… I wish you lived here!!! Our church is amazing and so full of beautiful families that were made in many different ways! We have an “adoption dedication” of two young (10 and 11 year old) girls recently adopted by our children’s minister and her husband planned for the very near future! A beautiful ceremony that will mean so much to this precious family! God Bless you as you grieve this loss and as you look to what the future holds for you and Hope!

  • SerialAdopter

    I totally get that leaving isn’t that simple. I also understand that sometimes we have to make do with a situation for the best of our kids. You’ll know when the time is right. The whole situation stinks for you and is surely heartbreaking to the Holy Homeboy as well.

  • Caitlin

    This breaks my heart. As you can imagine, we’ve gotten a similar silence from a church for being “different” when we reached out for community. Thankfully, a new, incredibly welcoming church came into our sights at just the right time. I’m hoping and praying the same thing happens for you and Hope.

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