So, a couple of days after sending a polite, but disappointing message to my church withdrawing my request for some kind of dedication ceremony I get an enthusiastic message from the children’s pastor.
Long story short, they finally get it. That’s the good, no, awesome news.
But you know, my feelings are so messy. I’m still mad, and I’m still hurt and Lord knows I hold a grudge like my life depends on it.
Yeah, I know, major personal flaw. Whatever… it’s learned behavior for me; get burned enough and the ease of forgiving wears away over time. #jadedandcynical
Anyhoo, I read the email and just felt…tired. Exhausted. Furious. Why couldn’t this email have come during the last 3+ weeks? Why now, after I said I just didn’t want to pursue it anymore? Why do I feel like I had to fight so hard? Why do you now say you wished you had had this great idea at the beginning of the year?
I’m relieved, and yet I’m still angry. Pissed.
And then I feel guilty for feeling furious because well, I have broken through…We’re going to have some kind of ceremony, a public ritual. It will be open to other families like ours. It will be wonderful for me, for Hope, for our family, for all of the adoptive families who choose to participate.
I think the Holy Homeboy is pleased.
And I am happy, grateful…feeling vindicated, resentful—which doesn’t even feel right when I’m talking about my church. But there you go. I feel all of this stuff, no denying it.
So, I’m guessing the Holy Homeboy is probably not quite as pleased with me. I’m prayerful that this bitterness melts away quickly so that I can really enjoy this event; so that I can really absorb its meaning, so that Hope is able to be excited about all this too. As soon as I tell her.
This will be epic.
AdoptiveBlackMom 
October 30th, 2014 at 11:00 am
I’ve been reading your blog for a few days now, and I think your story is interesting and inspiring. I’m so happy you finally got a response from your church. I wanted to post something a few days ago when you were disappointed that you hadn’t heard from them, but I thought it might sound like I was sticking my nose in. I know it was hurtful you didn’t hear back, but this community seems so supportive otherwise, I suspect the slip was accidental and not intentional. Anyway, it’s fantastic you’re finally getting this public ceremony.
October 30th, 2014 at 12:59 pm
Hi there! Thanks for the read and the comment.
I am happy about the turn around, still processing what it took, or rather what it felt like it took to get here. I do realize that this journey has made me really open emotionally in some ways and really cynical in others. It’s going to be a really great things for us. 🙂
October 30th, 2014 at 2:50 pm
I’m so happy that they finally get it! The Holy Homeboy (love that btw) totally understands your feelings; remember he already knew how you would feel. Your feelings are valid im that you are moving forward with the ceremony. You got them even if it took while to say “hey shes right we have to do something to her know that we support them and acknowledge this important life event! You not only did this for Hope but for all the other families! !! Way to fight for your family
October 30th, 2014 at 3:36 pm
Thanks. You’re right, He does know how I feel. 🙂 Grammy broke out with Frozen’s “Let it Go!” (LOL) even though she got how I felt. I’m on the upswing though! It’s going to be such a great time for us. 🙂
October 30th, 2014 at 9:42 pm
OMG so happy happy happy for you and Hope!!! I was reading through all your emotions saying “yep makes sense” Oh boy the ride the Holy Homeboy puts us on sometimes. So truly happy for you both.
November 1st, 2014 at 2:43 pm
Woo Hoo that’s great. I totally get the range of emotions. Letting it go is often easier said then done, but as you continue to process it all I’m sure your bitterness will melt away.
November 2nd, 2014 at 9:11 am
Oh, this is so good to hear. It’s really hard to know what went on on their end between their initial response and this turnaround, but I’m glad you can all move forward together.
November 4th, 2014 at 2:03 pm
I’m so happy for you. And you should be proud of yourself for the fight, the fight for your daughter, the fight for what you knew was right and good and true.
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