This time of the year I struggle. I always have struggled during what is supposed to be a “joyous season.”
Oh I’m genuinely grateful, and I go through all the motions and rituals of the season attempting to be cheery.
But, I’m not. I am very moody. I brood. I pick fights. I bicker. I don’t want to listen. I am passive aggressive and trigger finger irritable. And I am often depressed, very depressed. Attempts to cheer me up are received with grins that help me fake my way through what is invariably just being pissy.
It’s very cyclical, predictable and more than just some seasonal affective disorder stuff. I just spend several months of the year pissy, all out pissy. Bah humbug.
I wish this year was different. It’s not, and I’m on the warpath again. It is actually worse this year; it almost feels like the despair I felt shortly after Hope’s placement is heaped on top of my already foul mood.
This isn’t good for what’s supposed to be a healing home, and it’s probably not so good for a hormonal teenager whose mouth I wouldn’t mind gluing shut about 67.89% of the time either.
So, add a couple of doses of guilt and self-loathing to the mix for good measure.
I can’t even withdraw this year; there’s no where to hide. And there’s only one a person or two to vent to, I mean totally no holds barred venting, because this is supposed to be a joyous time of the year and didn’t I want to be a mom? And aren’t we getting on so well?
I don’t want to admit that I’m going through a rough time. I hate how hard of a time I’m having getting myself together and keeping myself functional.
I’m feeling loss acutely at the moment. I’m struggling. I’m really struggling.
Oh look, another month of 2014 still left. Oh joy.
AdoptiveBlackMom 
November 30th, 2014 at 10:19 pm
I want you to know – you’ve got this. It’s ok for things to be hard and for us, as humans, to have a hard time. I just spent the last few weeks just struggling at times to keep it together while attempting to “fake it” (and apparently still doing a terrible job of it) after dealing with a challenging last few months. For me I had to realize – life is hard and that it’s ok. I am such a perfectionist and life is not perfect. As much as I want to be super woman that I am not always going to be and for me I am learning to live with that. Like I said you’ve got this. Take everything one thing at a time and enjoy what you can and pretty soon it will be January. 🙂
Thinking and praying for you!
November 30th, 2014 at 10:57 pm
Thanks.
November 30th, 2014 at 10:50 pm
You are so honest and I think because of that you are extremely healthy! Families all go through times of crankiness. You are a great mom EVEN WHEN you feel this way! You can do this! Keep on breathing!
December 8th, 2014 at 9:57 am
The more parents I meet, the more I realize that we all carry some burdens with parenting in general. On last night’s podcast, Mimi and I talked about the loneliness associated with parenting because talking about how hard it can be is kind of taboo. All I can say is I’m trying, I’m trying. Thanks for the support. 🙂
November 30th, 2014 at 11:58 pm
I love your honesty. And I have no doubt that you will get through the next few weeks, one day at a time.
December 8th, 2014 at 9:57 am
That’s it, day by day, hour by hour! Some moments are better than others, but I’m pushing through. Thanks!
December 1st, 2014 at 5:09 pm
Hugs…
December 8th, 2014 at 9:58 am
Hugs back! 🙂
December 5th, 2014 at 11:15 pm
I like how you are honest rather than blocking out the emotions. I think you are a great Mom and most moms with teenage girls would agree to wanting to not hear a large portion of what comes out of their daughter’s mouths. You don’t have to love every single moment to be a good mom.
December 8th, 2014 at 9:59 am
“You don’t have to love every single moment to be a good mom.” Thanks for this. It’s so liberating. Mimi and I talked about this on the Add Water podcast last night. It’s hard to admit that it’s not all rainbows and sparkles. 🙂