I have baby weight.
Ok well, with Hope being now 14 and 5’8” I suppose it’s not baby weight. To be fair, it’s more like adoption/dissertation weight.
I’ve never been a skinny chick. About 5 years ago my internist actually said that I have a large bone frame (I’m legit big boned!) and I nearly wept with joy. I put on about 15lbs while I was doing my EdD and I’ve since gained about another 10 since Hope’s arrival in 2014.
This is the heaviest I have ever been in my life, and I don’t like it. I try not to beat myself up about it too much, especially since I have a checked history with disordered eating. But still, this body thing has not been good for my psyche.
A couple of months ago I went shopping for some new work clothes and was horrified that I’d gone up two sizes and the new size wasn’t even all that flattering. I ended up buying two wash and wear dresses at J. Crew that didn’t look like tents despite my having to purchase them with more than one X on the size label. The whole experience was really depressing, and that’s no exaggeration given my recent post on the subject.
This week I’m on the road to visit a prospective employer. They’ve been relentlessly recruiting me for a couple of months, and despite my repeated pleas of disinterest, I’m flying out to do a site visit. (SIDE NOTE: Friends/Colleagues who are reading this, seriously, I do not have plans to leave the current gig. If I was serious about a move I wouldn’t be writing about it *wink.*)
Yesterday I set out to purchase a new business suit. I stepped up my workout routine the last two months with yoga, a plank challenge and cardio. I psyched myself up to go to the “Women’s” section of Macy’s to find a pant suit that would make me feel good because it actually fit. I told myself not to be concerned with the numerical size, but just focus on fit and feel.
What I did not tell myself was to leave Hope at home.
I’m still eager to have the shopping experience with my daughter that moms and daughters long to have: Sifting through racks looking at clothing, playfully bickering and then picking out stuff. I mean, it’s happened, kinda, but Hope really doesn’t like clothing shopping despite having the long lean body that I might be willing to lose a lower arm for. Her recent growth spurt had her going from a size 8 to a size 4, and her legs go on for days. Oh and she could live off of chips, ramen and those nasty vienna sausages that come in the can. #thatmetabolismtho
Anyhoo, Hope tagged along on my trip to Macy’s where she proceeded to do the following:
- Play in the clothing racks like she was 5 years old.
- Repeatedly yell out my slacks size from 7 racks over in an effort to *help* me find something to wear.
- Yelled out how all of the clothes in the “Women’s” section looked like granny clothes.
- Kept asking if I was going to buy her something. #nodammit #shoppingformeonly
Eventually I snatched her up in the dressing room and explained that she was kinda killing my shopping vibe since I wasn’t feeling really good about myself. Oh and dang it, this shopping trip was not about her!!!
She had no clue. She said she hadn’t had a chance to play in the racks as a child, and she thought she was being helpful. From her perspective, *we* were having a great time. From my perspective I wanted to take my fat curvy self home to eat another piece of Hope’s birthday cake with extra icing. #emotionaleater
In the end, I did get back in the right head space. I got a nice black suit that will meet my needs. The slacks are little big so I’ll have them tailored sometime in the next couple of weeks. #vanitysizing I feel good about my purchase, and after our chat, Hope ended up being more helpful than hurtful. She tried and I was grateful.
My lesson yesterday was realizing that Hope doesn’t seem me as a chunky girl. I’m just mom, and I transcend size. She can’t understand why I would be concerned about my size or her yelling it across the department store. She’s always mystified that I workout and that I actually enjoy it or that I eat so many fruits and vegetables. I think she actually thinks I might be modeling a relatively healthy life and decent body image to her.
I guess Hope can teach me a thing or two sometimes.
Still, she bet not run through them dang racks again. #nomaam
June 28th, 2015 at 11:26 pm
I am so happy that you found something and the entire experience wasn’t too horrible. Asides from Costco I despise shopping, in fact I may be the worst shopper ever so I can appreciate your dislike for it.
I also really love that when you explained to Hope why her behaviour was upsetting you that she made an effort to change her behaviour – that sounds like a parenting win to me!!
June 29th, 2015 at 9:51 pm
Yeah, I guess it was a win. It was icky at first though, but she really did try and I appreciate that.
OMG, I LOVE Costco! Love it! We go…weekly!
June 29th, 2015 at 3:11 pm
Lol! I can’t stand when my daughter plays in the racks and to tell you the truth. I rather shop alone. I actually have more fun! I’m happy that she sees you as mom and is not hung up on any particular size.
July 2nd, 2015 at 10:17 am
Sometimes shopping with Mary is a nightmare! “That’s so ugly!” “why is that so bright?!” “Why do you shop in the man’s clothes!?” “You need a size 20,000, you said?!” Like, chile! Come’on! She’s really good about shopping for her brothers tho, and for her other mom, who of course is 10 sizes smaller than I am! So i feel your pain! Glad you were able to find something in the end, and that Hope turned out to be more helpful. Good luck on the interview (even though you don’t want it! LOL!)