Tag Archives: adoptee voices

Ask Hope, vol 4

What was the scariest part about being adopted?
I think the scariest part about being adopted for me was just the fact that I would be moving to a new state with a person that I had just met. Leaving old friends and stuff behind wasn’t really that difficult since I didn’t really have many in the first place, though there were a few people that I wish I was able to keep in contact with post-move. Moving mostly scared me because I had always hated having to adjust to a new school because middle schoolers are rude. I did have thoughts that I might end up with a person that I wouldn’t like. I was uncertain about adjustment and how I would do with such a big change. I was also uncomfortable at first since I wasn’t used to people doing things for me and caring for me so I didn’t know what to do and I wouldn’t ask about things that I wanted to know.

What advice would you give to parents of adoptees who have lost a parent?
I am not sure about the kind of advice I would be able to give. It really depends on the kid, and how the situation came about.

I think that if the parent is someone with which the kid had grown up in good-decent circumstances that they should have quite a bit of attention paid to them. If the kid brings up the parent on their own or clearly shows how they feel about the deceased then that should be a big part of how you decide to handle this. I think that they should be able to mourn the parent and remember the parent openly. I feel like you should be open to talking about the parent with the child when they feel comfortable opening up.

ABM weighs in: Create a permanent space for acknowledgment, mourning and open discussion. We have very visible pictures of Hope’s parent in our home. We were able to have these pictures because of our open relationship with extended biological family. I never thought I would have pictures of Hope as a little or with her father. Open adoption gave us that gift. Hope’s father is very much a part of her life, even in death because of a commitment to just including his memory. 

How important is it to have connections to your biological family?
It really just depends on the kid and how their connection is and if they want to have that connection. I think that the age of the kid plays a big role in this as well. A younger kid, like below the age of ten, is not very like to know how to make that kind of decision. I would say that if the kid has had contact with their biological family throughout their time in the system, and they have been having positive experiences I think that it is a good idea to maintain that relationship. If they haven’t had any contact or if they have had contact and it was a bad experience for them, depending on how they feel would be the best way to go.

I think that regardless of the two situations you should wait until they have had a decent amount of adjustment time and start off by bringing up the subject of possibly wanting to meet family or ask if they have ever thought of doing so. I don’t recommend taking it upon oneself and making this decision for the child.

ABM follow up question: How’s your experience been? Is there anything I could have done, still do, to make this connection stronger/better/easier?

My experience has been pretty good. I mean every relationship has its ups and downs but I never had any huge problems that made me think differently. When I first moved in I had a bit of a hard time adjusting. A lot of problems emerged at different points during the adjustment period. My mom worked with me a lot, she also worked really hard to make sure that I was able to experience many things. A lot of the things that she did made a big difference in my life. I was able to see just how much I had gained, and I was able to see all that I had to be grateful for. I feel like opening up would have been better for the construction of our relationship, but we were both in a tough situation that required lots of work. Another thing that I think I could have done id that I should have tried to do things differently. I was so used to how I had always done things that I continued to live how I previously did even though my conditions made my defenses useless. I was in a safe place, and I didn’t need to continue to defend myself. There is probably so much more that could have been changed that would have helped our relationship. Even though somethings could have been changed our relationship is very good, and we have become very alike in many senses. Once the bond is made is just gets stronger every day afterward. 

[ABM cries real tears. I LOVE YOU HOPE.]

Do you ever see you getting into adoption advocacy? To help other adoptees?
I’m not really sure about that. I’m not sure how I would be able to help out another kid through their adoption. I think for a kid getting adopted, it is easier to maybe give the parents some insight as to what the kids might be thinking or feeling. It would definitely be nice to be able to help the other adoptees out, but I know from my own experience that many can and will be stubborn about a lot of things and aren’t going to be very likely to be looking for another person giving them suggestions or for another person to be telling them what to do.

I think that parents need to pay more attention to the signs that their child gives them. They should follow their behaviors and work up a comfortable relationship with them. From my experience, I was very defensive and kept everything closed inside and didn’t like sharing anything. I was used to keeping to myself, and I didn’t really engage with my childhood and was used to doing everything for myself.


Ask Hope, vol.3

Do you talk about being adopted much with your friends? Do you notice that you gravitate towards peers that have been adopted?

I have only really talked about it to my friends if a question regarding where I’m from comes up.

I have a few friends that are adopted, but that’s something that I usually don’t find out about until we’ve already been friends for some time; so I would say, no, I don’t gravitate towards others who have been adopted. I’ve known the same little group of people since I’ve been here, and that is who I stay with unless I meet someone new that I click with.

Do you think you would have accepted being adopted if you were older, like 15/16?

I’m not really sure about that, it was never something that I have ever really thought about.

While I was in the system the one thought that came to me many times was that I would just age out and move into my own apartment with some support. I think that if I was an older teen and an opportunity for adoption came up, I think that I would definitely be ok with it, I’d actually be glad and probably happy about it. Although at that point, I may have become discouraged because of how long it took for me to be noticed, but I don’t think that I would ever turn down such an opportunity.

I think that the possibility of me declining would depend on a lot, such as how far the adopter is (location) or just how I feel about moving at that time. If I were to be adopted at that at age, I would be starting or in the middle of high school.

What do you think would make the foster care system better? What advice would you give to kids first coming into foster care and what would you say to the foster parents as well?

Well, in my opinion, the foster care system needs a lot of work. It’s not the best although I know that sometimes they are just working with what they are given. I think that the system needs to be more thoughtful when choosing who is eligible to foster because some people do it just because they can get some cash for housing the kid. Sometimes it’s not even the foster parents themselves [who are the problem], but their own biological children, if they have any. I know everyone has a different experience in the system, but I can say from my own experience that it wasn’t all that fantastic but not every home was bad.

Another thing that I think would be a great improvement for the foster system is that the social workers are checked as well because some of them don’t fulfill their duties and just skim through the process, even though they are supposed to be one person the child is able to look to for help.

As for advice, I don’t know if I really have much advice to give since there isn’t much on the child’s part to do once they are placed in a home. One thing I definitely would say is to not let the foster parents you are placed with treat you any kind of way, tell your social worker. Don’t run away from your foster home, that’ll probably make it more difficult for them to try and get you adopted, and it will put you in a bad spot. It would be easier to just ask the social worker to move houses if the situation is really not working or if they are just nasty people with a bad attitude.

For the foster parents, if you have biological children and are fostering as well, please treat them like you would your own children. They are probably already having a difficult time or have had a difficult time. The mistreatment can stick with them and affect them later on, which makes it hard to really trust or believe in any other adults.  Pay attention to them and don’t tell them every 5 seconds what they may or may not be doing wrong. Foster kids need encouragement and positivity to get through it all. Don’t assume you know what they are going through or know what they feel like, regardless of how long you have been fostering. You aren’t them, so just listen to them.

If she were able to chat with kids still waiting for their very own Adoptive Black Mom, how would she coach them up, i.e., help them understand what to expect and how to emotionally prepare for life with a Forever Family?

Well, for everyone it’s different and the environment that they go to will be different for everyone. One thing that I would tell them is that they should really be serious and think when they are asked about their parental preferences and the kind of environment that they want to live in. When they do finally meet the family for them, both parts [prospective parents and kids] have to work together in order for it work out. If you can, tell your parent about things that help you and about things that upset you. Letting them know some things can really help with them in helping you and understanding your actions/behaviors. Don’t expect something super perfect; parents are people just like you are and they go through things the same as you. If you are having a hard time, let them know.

What is the best response an adoptive parent could give to a kid who is saying something to the effect of, I hate you, you are the worst parents ever.

I don’t really know. I’m sure at some point all kids biological or adopted have said something like “I hate you, you are the worst parents ever.” That’s just how kids are and I’m sure at some point everyone has said or thought the same thing about their own kid or about their own parents. #itsnormal

In terms of what the response should be, I don’t really know, but I do know that an aggressive approach may not be the best choice. Everyone probably just needs time to cool down. I do think that as the parent you shouldn’t just let it go, but I also wouldn’t recommend making a humongous deal about it. Lastly, I think that this is more likely to happen during the adjustment period and is probably just a part of the cycle.

 


Ask Hope, vol.2

What are best and hardest things about being adopted as an older kid?

Being in school, at some point talk of one’s parents comes up eventually and so for a while, I was constantly telling others that I was adopted and that I wasn’t from Virginia. Mostly this happened because I came halfway through the year.

One of the better things I guess is because I was older, I didn’t have to worry about losing any more friends that I made from moving around. I was able to keep friends from that time onward.

What are you most excited and nervous about as you enter (young) adulthood?

I don’t think that there is anything that I am particularly excited or nervous about. I’ve spent the past school year at a boarding school so I am ok with living away from home for a long period of time. Although I’m not worried about living without my mom, I am worried about how my procrastination will develop. I lose track of time very easily so I am definitely worried about how I am going to manage myself and keep myself in check and make sure that I keep my focus on what is important rather than getting caught in an endless loophole of distraction.

[ABM adds: We’re looking at some cool productivity apps that set timers and block sites for periods of time. If you have apps you like that help reduce distraction and increase productivity, please share them!]

What’s your current fav song??

I really love Kpop. Right now currently my fav song(s) are Wave/Illusion – ATEEZ and Twilight – ONEUS

What’s the best dirt on ABM?

Dirt? Hm, I don’t really know what I could possibly tell you. What do you already know?

[ABM responds: WHEW! Grateful I grew up without social media!]

Do you have any advice for younger kids who may feel out of place sometimes (for whatever reason they may feel that way)?

I’m not quite sure in which situation you are asking about but if it is in the foster care system then I don’t really have much advice for them because there isn’t much that they can really do but to try and wiggle their way into a group of people that they can talk to. It’s pretty likely that a kid in a foster home with other kids will feel slightly out of place. Although they may all be in the same place or situation doesn’t mean that they will be kind or will work with the other kids.

If I would give any one piece of advice it would be to not just let yourself be outcast, it’ll give the other kids a reason to come after you. Try wherever, whether at home or school, to make friends or at least find someone who you can talk to and someone who actually acknowledges you and treats you in a friendly manner.

What do you wish people understood about being adopted from the foster care system? What could adults (teachers, parents, doctors) do to be more helpful?

I’m not quite sure.

I do think that many who are adopted from the foster care system might have an issue with trusting the people around them, especially adults. Another thing that people should try to understand might be that the child could have a very hard time adjusting and that they might have some other issues from earlier on in life, or just during their time in the system.

I’m not really sure, but giving them space, listening to them, and just working with them. One thing that helped me was that I had some time to adjust to my surroundings before I started school so that everything wasn’t completely foreign to me. I got to see and do lots of things and had many experiences which helped me become comfortable and assisted in the progression of our relationship.

 

 


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