Technicolor Fantasies

It’s been a hell of a week.

The angel of death has touched colleagues, distant friends and family this week.  I discovered there’s a food theft/trash hoarding problem in this house (again). A new tennis racket was destroyed in a fit of frustration because apparently you can’t just walk on a court and think you’re Serena Williams even if you regularly post high scores on Wii tennis. An unsolicited, but  serious job offer was extended that made me consider what “leaning in” means for me career and family wise. Some kid on the bus brought alcohol.  Some other kid seems to have started cutting. Band field trip fees are due. I realized that Hope has gone from being economically disadvantaged to being so very entitled, and that ish needs to be shut down. I broke out in tears during a confrontation with my family pastor on Easter Sunday about the BS way my church has handled my family blessing request. I am fasting from coffee and my evening cocktail, so I’m pissy and petty like a viper and snap in an instant. Pictures from my sister’s recent nuptials reveal that I have indeed crossed over from curvy land into fat land. And if I find that damn tablet on the floor one more got-dern time….

Yappy did finally master sit/stay and make it through his temptation island training test this week, so there’s that.

But, he’s also got his own hoarding problem with that growing lair of his under my bed.

I’ve barely, barely remembered Elihu’s birthday this week.  Oh, I’m not prepared to do anything for said birthday, but I did remember to forget it a day early. #helovesmeanyway

I’m tired. Worn out. And I swear my brown knuckles are currently white.

Wasn’t vacation last week?

Oh, right that was a vacation with Hope, which was great incidentally, but when I realized that all the good me stuff I had planned for Easter Monday wasn’t going to happen because I had forgotten that Monday was a student holiday, I realized that the mommyhood vacation realness leaves something to be desired.

Man, this journey is the business!  Do you hear me?  THE BUSINESS!

I went to my agency’s support group for participants of our older child adoption program yesterday. I admitted to something there that seems dreadful to ever utter.

I fantasize about my life without Hope. Pre-Hope. During-Hope.  Post-Hope.  Hope-never-existed-Hope.

I fantasize about my life without Hope.

I am going through a period of constantly fantasizing about my old life, in particular, my single, no kids, just me and the Furry One life.  I know I’ve romanticized it a bit.  You know, it’s like remembering in technicolor.

I remember longingly the ease of slipping into a happy hour with friends or heading to the theatre for some Shakespearean adaptation. I remember thinking about how delicious it would be when I finished school and finally took a nap again. I fantasize about napping in general, with really, really nice bedding. I remember my complicated life as not seeming or feeling too complicated at all in technicolor.  I remember being able to see a cool deal on Groupon and just picking up and going somewhere for the weekend. I remember getting massages and getting my hair razor cut by this awesome chick at the salon across the street from my office.

If I stretch my mind, I remember back more than a 15 years ago when my roomie and I would hit the salsa clubs and shut them down midweek, night after night, dancing with our friends. I remember the first time my realtor took me out to look at homes to buy and finally feeling grown up. I remember decorating my home just the way I liked it and having Juneteenth parties and dinner parties and just friends over.  I remember how having all the control in my life made me feel. I remember how I took it for granted.

I fantasize about what my life would be like right this minute if I had made the choice to continue on that path when I got to the fork in the road.  I fantasize about still being in control of my life.

Well, not all of it.

During these technicolor fantasies, I happily gloss over the heartbreak when one of the great loves of my life dumped me, or when one of my dearest friends died, the first one in adulthood and I never got to say goodbye. I choose not to focus remembering how I wondered if I would ever marry and have biological children. I choose not to dwell, during these fantasies, on the people who openly asked me, painfully and insensitively, if I was ever going to marry and have children. Or the time that I was presumed to be a lesbian because I hadn’t married or brought a man home since college. I choose not to remember the trail of tears of less than great relationships, including and especially the one that launched me into my doctoral program because it was so toxic that spending $70K seemed cheap, yet rewarding expense of ridding myself of his awfulness. I don’t bother with a lot of thought about when the doctors told me I wouldn’t have biological kids and how hard I cried sitting in that office…alone, with no partner to console me. I don’t remember deep enough to dredge up the lonely moments when I thought, on my way home one morning after a night out, that there’s got to be more to life than this. I don’t think too much about how this isn’t the first church that has made me feel like an outcast or how suspicious it all makes me of the whole institution of “religion.”

Nope. I don’t remember any of that as I construct the fantasies of my life pre-Hope.

I’m weary this week.

I do hope that one day, I’ll be reminiscing about these times in my life and that I fail to critically remember ishttay weeks like this one, when I wish I could change the locks or move under cover of night…without her. I hope I don’t remember wondering if any of this was a good idea. I hope I don’t remember how long it took for the joys to outnumber the crap-filled emotions that are too numerous to list here. I hope this period looks vibrant in the future.

But I hope that it doesn’t look so great because that future period sucks way more than this one. I wish I didn’t have to romanticize this period of my life outside of my home.

Wouldn’t it be nice to just reminisce because it was a good time, not because its a technicolor fantasy about “the good times?”

So here’s to hoping next week is actually a good time and a fantasy real.

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About AdoptiveBlackMom

I'm a single Black professional woman living in the DC area. I adopted tween a few years ago, and this blog chronicles our journey. Feel free to contact me at adoptiveblackmom@gmail.com, on Facebook at Adoptive Black Mom, and on Twitter @adoptiveblkmom. ©www.AdoptiveBlackMom.com, 2013-2017. All rights reserved. (Don't copy my ish without credit!) View all posts by AdoptiveBlackMom

13 responses to “Technicolor Fantasies

  • AdoptiveNYMomma

    Oh hon heads up. You can do this and yes when you look back some of this will be technicolor too!! Stay strong you can do this.

  • My Perfect Breakdown

    Some days (and weeks) are hard, but I am beyond confident that you can do this. And one day you will look back at all of this and the happy memories will outweigh the negatives and struggles. You can do this, all of this!

  • Meredith at My Pink Champagne Life

    You’re not alone! Every parent goes through this (even if they don’t admit it). This is a season, and the great thing about seasons is they change. If more parents would be brave and do what you’ve done-admit you don’t have all the answers-there would be a lot less people wearing their perfect parent masks. Hang in there, God bless!

  • Belladonna Took

    Here’s one parent who went through it – and it got so awful I moved clear around the planet to get away from her. (Okay, also because I got married, but I LEFT HER BEHIND and it was GREAT.) And guess what – we survived. We actually like each other. In other words, what you’re feeling now is totally normal, and it will pass. Just hang in there – the teens don’t last forever… 🙂

  • TheChroniclesofaNonBellyMama

    Girl, im going through this drama with a 7 year old! A 7 year old that we are potentially adopting before the end of the year, who is making me really really really reconsider it! The hoarding food under her bed, the incessant lying and being mad disrespectful for no reason, is just enough to make me wanna blow my own knee caps off just so I can spend 3 months in the hospital rehabilitating to get away from her. But I love that damn kid! I truly do, and she’s going through it right now so I get it. It’s so easy to fall into that “I/you gotta get the hell outta here!” stuff, that we don’t realize that 10 years from now, when they are gone, with their own lives, in their own cities, and possibly with their own kids, we will reminise not about the times without them or before them, but about those family vacations, and those family dinners, and holidays. I know this for a fact because my parents tell us all the time. We go through ish, where we want our “old lives” back, but all that stuff isn’t as fun, when all you do is think about your kids the whole time the second you get to experience a glimpse if it sometimes.

    • AdoptiveBlackMom

      LOL, re the knee caps. Yes, I’ve also wondered what bodily harm I could cause myself to get myself sent away. LOL. But I quickly remember that I’m Hope’s #rideordie chick. It’s hard, so very hard. But sometimes I can clearly see the progress we’ve made, which gives me a glimpse of what else is possible. It keeps me going until the next blow up.

  • Audrey

    You got this. Every day brings a new challenge but such is life.

    I believe you admit it, accept it and get back to daily life. Hindsight is always a beautiful place but it isn’t real. No one like to think or remember the bad stuff. We all do it, especially with old relationships. Hope is your daughter and while you won’t always like her, you will always love her. And that makes getting out of bed one more day possible.

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