On Christmas Eve nearly two years ago, Hope called me “mom” for the first time. It was the most precious gift I could have ever received since it was entirely her choice to call me mom instead of my given name.
I love the sound of her calling me mom. It’s become so routine, so natural now that I almost take it for granted.
And then something reminds me that mom, and other names or terms of endearment, are Hope’s little presents to me. I don’t know if she knows they are presents, but they really are.
In moments when Hope and I are really connected and things are good, she calls me mama.
On nights like tonight, when I’ve been out to a group meeting talking about this adoption journey and I call her on my way home to check in and see if she needs anything, she answers the phone excitedly, “Hi mama,” and I smile.
I know she’s excited I’m on my way home. I know she’s fine, but she missed me. I know she loves me. I know she’s been thinking about me.
I know that no matter the funky BS we may have been going through, she loves me.
Mama is music to me.
Mama reminds me that we’ll be ok.
I hope to be worthy of being called mama every day by my daughter. Most of the time I feel unworthy. Like a lot of parents I fret over whether I’m doing any of this parenting well at all or if I’m just really, really effing everything up and failing miserably.
I guess I’m doing ok. I’ve had a string of mamas this week. I’ll take that as some validation.
Tomorrow, I’ll try to earn this epic term of endearment again.
I think I can.
I think I can.
AdoptiveBlackMom 
September 9th, 2015 at 11:18 pm
I know you can! 🙂
September 10th, 2015 at 12:16 am
Somewhere I recently read that there are just 2 kinds of parenting: good enough and not good enough. Because true perfection doesn’t exist! And almost all of us are good enough at this parenting thing. (I’m an adopted-through-foster-care mom too, so I’ve seen the other type up close and personal.) I know that the term mama holds a special place for you, but I’m sure you already know that a teen’s yardstick should not be your measure of daily success. Good enough is my aim now that I’ve been reminded that perfect isn’t possible 🙂
September 10th, 2015 at 12:02 pm
I love this post…and you’re right…Mary calls me “Sammie” a lot of the time, but then there are times, when her face lights up and her eyes shine (like seeing elephants for the first time at the zoo) and she turns to me and says, “This is AMAZING Mama!!! Best day ever!!!” Those are the best days for sure…You’ll always be Hopes best mama…
September 10th, 2015 at 7:54 pm
It’s the best name in the world isn’t it!?!
September 10th, 2015 at 10:17 pm
I love this!
September 21st, 2015 at 10:55 pm
My youngest daughter likes to call me Mama too. All her siblings rib her for it. Not sure where she got it or why she likes it, but I think it’s sweet. And it’s always on those high points, good times, that she does it. Interesting. You’re definitely in store for a lot more Mama’s in your future!