Last week, when Hope exhibited some COVID-19 symptoms I had a complex moment of panic. Naturally I worried and ran through all of the possibilities that a parent goes through, fretted about how she caught it from me and praying that she would be ok.
I also thought about Hope’s family.
Her birth family.
And then I really spun out.
Should I tell them she might be sick? Should I tell them I was sick? What if she got really sick? Of course I would tell them; they should know.
Would they blame me? Gosh, they should blame me. I should’ve tried harder at really quarantining within the house. I should’ve stayed in my room and rode it out.
OMG, what if Hope endured all she did only for her mother by adoption to give her a deadly virus?
I took her temperature again and went back to my room to gather myself because I was falling apart.
I’d already struggled with being sick myself, causing Hope, my family and friends who knew a lot of worry. I felt stupid for catching it and terrified that I might die and leave Hope.
I’ve had a lot of really big feelings this last month.
When Hope showed some symptoms, I called my primary care doctor’s office and demanded that we be tested. I needed to know whether Hope had it. At that point, my doctor was convinced I had it, and with that we all kind of assumed Hope would have it as well. But I was three weeks into being sick; how come Hope’s symptoms fell out of the ‘two week’ window?
Well, we finally were tested late last week.
My doctor called after we got the news from the clinic to discuss it. He’s still convinced that I had it and that Hope probably did as well. He thinks she was largely asymptomatic, and when the symptoms did emerge it was the virus’ last lap.
Essentially, if we had been tested the first or second week of my own illness, our results might’ve been different.
In any case, the hard core lockdown is over and we are back to regular “stay at home.”
Hope through this remained largely unfazed. She asked if she could still do some of the weekly errands. She also wanted to be sure that we would keep our recently developed habit of having chai tea lattes in the morning.
Having tea together is our new bonding time. She will drink coffee, but isn’t the biggest fan so earlier this month on a whim I made her a chai latte. She fell in love. Some days I don’t even see her unless we are having tea because she’s hold up in her room and I’m tied to my laptop.
I did tell Hope’s family this week. We are family, and I wanted them to know how she’s doing…how we are doing. I also wanted to be sure they were ok and to encourage them to stay put if possible. This virus is no joke. Hope had very little closure when she lost one of her parents and these days you can barely have a funeral–I can’t bear to think of Hope having to go through something like that again due to COVID-19.
So, that’s it. We’re ok. I’m still recovering, but feeling more like myself each day! Thanks for your kind words and support over the last few posts. I really appreciate it!