I am in the midst of a trauma related whirlwind the details of which are not mine to share.
This moment has clearly revealed Hope’s true vulnerabilities out in the world, and it’s requiring an enormous amount of emotional restraint from me.
I am a mess of sadness, heartbreak and unmitigated rage. That rage is not directed at Hope, but a third party who also has peeped my daughter’s vulnerabilities. It is taking everything in me not to round up my squad and take matters into my own hands. I also know that If I shared what is happening with Hope with some folks in my life, things would get very, very out of hand very, very, very fast.
And trust, I am so tempted to let that ish play out.
But Hope needs me, and I am acutely aware of how much she needs me in this moment. She needs me as a mom. She needs me as a woman who has lived through some things. She needs me to just love her and reassure her that it’s going to be ok.
I am committed to keeping a 30K foot view of what is happening to my daughter. I can clearly see what is driving the behavior and what is driving the emotion and the need. I know that this mess is trying to fill a hole that has existed for a long, long time; I know this has everything to do with her life before me and the pieces of life that are still missing.
I know that there is nothing that I can really do or say to fill that hole; it’s primal. I get it. It’s also breaking my heart.
During the last day, I have tried to reason with her. I listen to her without judgment. I’m trying to keep the lines of communication open. The only way to do that is to keep my own emotions in check.
Last night I had to take a late evening walk just to call a friend to let out my own emotions. There I was out with goofy Yappy walking the neighborhood in the dark, in the rain with a headlamp letting it all out, so I could come back with my own emotional mask on to reengage.
I’m glad I had that chance because I walked back into a whole ‘nother bucket of bs.
There is a silver lining in this moment; this moment could be so worse. It could be so much more devastating, but Hope was already questioning her feelings about her choices. She wanted to talk to AbsurdlyHotTherapist about it but hasn’t been able to get an appointment. I’m encouraged that she was trying to figure out how to work through this mess on her own and in a healthy way. I’ve reached out to him to beg for an appointment and to give him a heads up on what’s happening. I need her to have that unbiased third party to help her.
Hope is a horrible liar; she also is horrible at keeping her own secrets, much less anyone else’s. She almost always tells me or AHT what’s up or creates a situation in which I find out (See stupid games from last month). She told me that her lies are more about wanting to avoid disappointing me than a fear of something like me putting her out.
On the one hand she trusts that I’m not going to threaten her physical wellbeing, but I do wonder if she thinks my expectations of her are too high? It’s got me wondering if expectations are too high for her? I need my own barometer check.
Ultimately, I know that we will get through this, but I don’t know how long it will take. I don’t know what the collateral damage will be. I don’t know…what is around the corner.
I also know, that this could happen again and again.
Trauma stuff is hard.
Adoption stuff is hard.
There are very real wounds.
I know I am not capable of fully healing her; I can only support her, love her, be there for her in these moments. She is transitioning into adulthood, and I worry a bit about how much my protection can extend around her. Before it seemed like a nice little bubble, now it’s just this amorphous thing and I can’t control the environment for her. I know that is normal, that actually aspects of this is normal for kids her age. I also know that as a middle-aged woman, I’m still, *still* dealing with some bullshit from my own youth, and I didn’t any a fraction of the drama in my life that Hope’s had in hers. I worry about where that leaves her.
All I know is that I’m still her ride or die. I always will be, but whew…this phase of parenting is not easy.
August 16th, 2020 at 12:57 pm
You and Hope are both in my thoughts.
August 16th, 2020 at 3:26 pm
Assuming it is relationship issues. MAYBE she can make a list about what was wonderful about it. Another one about what was so so. Another about what was less desirable.
Then, another about what she wants in a relationship and specifics of how to know if that is there AND what are her red flags no go list with specifics of how to see them when you want to pretend. AND, Finally a list of qualities she wants in another person with a second column to check off which of them she embodies.
All this list making takes time and attention and that can help as a person moves ahead again in life. We all make mistakes and assumptions and want to see and not see who another person is. Depending on one thing or another perhaps you can make such lists from your own time at about 18-22 and see how your view of them have changed and what is still good….because you look at relationships too.
Believe me, when your child is over 45 you feel the same raw emotions when they are hurt by other people. Makes notes for yourself. You do not need to see her lists if she doesn’t want to share. The processing is the point. (Oh, and never say you were worried x had Y problems as rebounding back happens and then you are really up a creek and no oar and crocodiles are sizing you up!)
I AM SO VERY SORRY THERE IS UPSET. I AM SO GLAD SHE IS AT HOME WITH YOU NOT DOING THIS ALONE AT SCHOOL.
August 17th, 2020 at 10:00 pm
Indeed it’s hard.
Hope it gets sorted out soon. It’s hard to watch from 30k feet when all you really want is to get in there and sort it out, protect your kid.
I still feel protective and my kids are middle-aged.
August 18th, 2020 at 7:03 pm
I’m always here if you need a shoulder or someone to distract you for a minute so you can just breathe.