The fall season is typically my most challenging of the year. While I am usually ready for sweater and boot weather, I struggle with the diminishing day light hours, less outdoor time–which means less patio time–and the sense that we should all be nesting.
This year, I feel like we’ve been force nesting for the whole year. When quarantine started for me and Hope, it was the just the second week in March. Since then, we’ve only been out of town once to visit my parents.
I buy the groceries, typically over 2-3 quick outings a week. We see most of our doctors online, but we have had several in person visits, including more frequent visits as of late. We’ve “risk splurged” and gone to the beauty supply store and a recent trip to Ulta to just…browse. I’ve hit Michael’s a couple of times for yarn. I’ve gone out to happy hour/dinner (outside only) with my podmates maybe 7 times (roughly once a month) and I recently started seeing someone and because of concerns about risk, we mostly hang out at his place.
Now that I write it out, it seems maybe like a lot, but it really hasn’t felt like it. Hope has definitely had more time outside of the house than me. She’s worked two jobs during this time, and at one point was out of the house nearly everyday. Both jobs are in the rear view now and she has withdrawn from school for the rest of the semester.
Hope is the epitome of a homebody. She will stay in pjs for days, snacking in bed (and sleeping with the litter of wrappers), and happily go down Tik Tok/YouTube video rabbit holes if I let her. While she might genuinely want to be more social, she can be content chillaxing in her adult onsie.
I like having the choice of staying home, but I’m social. I appreciate being out and about. I’m frankly worried about my emotional health going into the fall. I don’t feel like I have that many choices, and zoom and MS Teams are just stand ins. It honestly feels like things are closing in.
I’ve pulled out my therapy light. I’ve got several craft projects, and I’ve finally logged into some of the free movie apps. I recently started the couch to 5K program to see if I can build up to more time outdoors during the winter and fall months. Hope and I are binge watching Lucifer on Netflix, and I’m sure I’ll find something else for us to watch when we’re done.
Hope needs a lot of attention and nurturing right now. It’s been a rough few months. She’s doing great, but I’m worried about what if I can’t be what she needs during the dark months ahead? What if I go down my own rabbit hole? It’s not like I can call family for back up because of the pandemic. I mean, sure they will come if things are really necessary, but at what point is that? I haven’t really developed comfort with going away for a weekend–I worry about COVID exposure. We probably will for the holidays, along with pre-travel testing.
I am also worried about the upcoming US election, the fall out, these whackadoodle “militia” groups and just chaos. There was a “proud boys” gathering less than 2 miles from my home this week. Should I, too, stock up on weapons? Can goods? Am I even crazy for thinking about this?
So the fall, it’s here and…I’m fretting.
AdoptiveBlackMom 
October 11th, 2020 at 8:46 pm
Its ok for you to need attention too!!! I hear you when you say it is tough and am glad you pulled out your light. You will need more support for sure so what options make you most comforting…sure Zoom for work but what about with friends? Yes outings are good and I hear your concerns for COVID but get some outside time to clear your head and lungs. Take a hike or a walk on odd but daylight hours on a path. Yes the elections are frightening but do what you can to keep yourself protected during that time both physically and emotionally. It is hard. It is a struggle but you are an amazing woman and you can do it.
October 14th, 2020 at 4:53 pm
You’re not crazy for worrying. My husband is the calmest person on earth, and he was talking about buying guns. I suggested we just leave, instead. I refuse to go to war with people for no good reason.
October 15th, 2020 at 12:57 pm
I am fretting too. Thanks for the normalizing.
Please be careful and safe. The people threatening violence are scary. That one party in my state is putting out fake ballot collection boxes and no one is charging any one for doing so or for Hatch Act violations is also spooky.
I am so tired. THANK YOU for making time to post. You help.
October 16th, 2020 at 12:33 pm
You are not alone. I feel the same way. I’m very worried about how we are going to manage this winter without moving around as much. We continually kick the issue of visiting indoors down the calendar but it’s starting to get too cold to ignore how we are going to handle this. I also wonder how to give my daughter what she needs since her anxiety has increased significantly and I’m also trying to manage mine. Some ways that I’m working through this – I give myself a lot of compassion, I allow myself space when I need it without shame, and when I’m able, I really pour into her what I can. I know that she is getting what she needs, on the balance, and I’m learning to be okay with that.