Triggered

It’s been over a week since I totally lost my ish.

I’m better now. We’re better now. Therapy has kicked in and meds are fully on board. I’m making moves to reduce my schedule for a month or two so that I can devote more time to caring for Hope and caring for me.

The weekend I lost it…my own depression was spiraling after months of holding it together. I took a few days off from work, slept a lot and just worked on getting it together. I also announced to Hope that I was going to take some control of some decisions about her care-taking and treatment. We both needed some stronger interventions.

I also took some time to unpack what really sent me over. Originally I thought it some off the cuff comment Hope made during our afternoon walk, but I was already pretty far gone.

My niece was dedicated that morning, and Hope and I watched by zoom. Baby G is adorable and it was such a sweet event. I missed my nephew’s dedication due to a work event a couple of years ago. It would’ve been nice to have witnessed it in-person, but you know, pandemic.

Anyway, during the dedication prayer, I just cried. I’m emotional by nature, but this was a trigger.

Hope deserved a dedication. I deserved it. My family deserved it. This ritual is something our family does and my old church denied us all the ability to do it, to witness it. And Baby G’s dedication brought it all rushing back.

And the grief was fresh all over again.

There are so many things about adoption that are absurdly complicated, full of loss and just, well, sucky. For us, the dedication was one of those things. Long story short, my old church couldn’t seem to figure out that families of older kids who are adopted need religious rituals too. For me it was something that was important, something that would keep me connected to church, something that would bind my new little family.

Hope and I bonded without the ritual. But my connection with organized religion essentially died after that. Hope and I attended a Unitarian church for a couple of years and if we feel the need to go to church, we will still visit that church. Aside from that, I essentially quit church.

I still am a believer, and quitting “church” meant that I could really and without apology embrace all tidbits of things I believe outside of traditional Christianity. In some ways that has been freeing, but the reality is that I miss the ritual of it all. Of course, watching the devolution of American Christianity over the last few years has done nothing to renew my interest in rejoining a church, but I do miss the ritual of church.

All of my feelings about church resurfaced during the dedication prayer while Hope was sitting watching next to me. It was a lot and it hurt. I was already stressed, I was super tender and when Hope mouthed off later I. Was. Done.

I just went down the drain.

So, now my therapist and I are gonna spend sometime working through my feelings about faith and church. There’s a lot of unresolved stuff there, a lot.

But I’m aware of it, and that’s part of the battle. For now, I’m ok. Hope’s ok. And we’re thankful for another year as a family.