- I really start each week thinking about writing more, and then the week gets going and blah. I really don’t want or need to be in the office full time, but some days my screen fatigue is so bad that I am just exhausted at 5. Yappy has been demanding another long walk in the evenings (1-2 miles) and I’m dunzo after that. So, I just manage this one post.
- I’m starting think about adoption more intentionally again. I heard myself say during one of my talks recently that I really have icky feelings about the use of the term adoption when referring to pets. It’s like I think, “But that’s a human word! And I bought my dog off of craigslist. I was thinking about it when I was on Twitter and #4weeks was trending. Sen. Joe Manchin (who should just come out as an old school moderate Republican at this point) said he didn’t think people who give birth (and before anyone gets slick about my phrasing, this is a trans-friendly household, so mind yours), really needed 6 weeks of paid leave and maybe 4 was sufficient. Asshat. Anyway, it made me think of my own journey and the tiny wound I still feel about being infertile, and how I always knew I wanted to adopt. I dunno, I’ve been thinking alot.
- There’s also an AdoptUsKids billboard near the house that promote adolescent adoption. I’ve been reflecting on my journey, and what I’ve learned about adoption. The reality is that I really, really wish that adoption wasn’t necessary. I wish folks had what they needed, whatever the need, to support them parenting. Even with the sting of infertility, I know that I’m super fortunate to be able to afford adoption without incurring any debt. I wish families were more functional, and thats folks had the capacity to parent.
- I wish birth control was free. I also wish conservatives would stop playing…acting like they don’t do the secks till the break of dawn just for the sheer enjoyment and dopamine bender. Stop it. Hell the freakiest folks I’ve ever known were and are GOPers. I digress.
- I wish we worked to preserve families. I wish we would treat addiction like the disease it is instead of a arbiter of morality. So many people crave connection, intimacy, acceptance and love without ever getting their needs met; yeah, they turn to drugs, chasing that moment that the high made them feel seen. I’m not sure what the programs should look like, but I know I’m willing to pay the taxes to pay for them. I know if it could reduce the nearly half million kids who are in foster care or support birth mothers who might be in teh middle of crises. Jeesch, we just gotta do better as a society.
- I look forward to seeing the new documentary on Colin Kaepernick; I’ve seen a few blurbs about how being adopted into a White family and him coming to a more dramatic racial awakening as a result. They, the blurbs, conclude that that’s really what has made him “militant.” Really? Not the neverending torrent of extrajudicial killings of unarmed Black folks? Ok, but real talk growing up in Whiteness is very much a part of this story. I’m also sure that there are some White APs out there legit shaking with fear that their little brown skinned Brad will end up spouting BLM or worse being ungrateful and hating them. Chile, this is a wholle mess. Anyway I’m eager to see it.
- November generally brings back lots of memories of Hope coming to visit for the first time. Two weeks of drama. We laugh about it now. I dropped the turkey outside my front door. Hope sat in the floor looking at her foot during dinner. She met the family who embraced so beautifully. It was two weeks of a lot for both of us. Eight years later, and it’s all jokes and love. I understand our emotions so much more now. I get that she was terrified; I was also terrified because this was the first glimpse of parenting I’d really had and here I was on front street with my family feeling really, really inadequate.
- I’ve been thinking about adoption’s image, the whole narrative. It has good guys and bad guys, but which is which sometimes depends on which member of the triad you are. Sometimes your both, sometimes you’re neither. I think about how Hope and I hide in plain sight as a same race adoptive family. We don’t hide though; Hope insists on being transparent about her adoption. I remember one day she told me that she actually had several friends who were also adopted. I’m thinking wow, how did these kids find each other? Hope always shares; I think it draws other adoptees to her.
- I remeber being a little sad at the beginning of my journey; I was resigning myself to the fact that Hope probably wouldn’t really be like me, like she would be my daughter and I would be her mom, but she wasn’t going to adopt any of my quirks. Now I laugh when I hear her use a turn of phrase that I use or when she smells the milk before pouring it -even when you KNOW it’s fresh- like I do. It’s a tic I developed as a result of some childhood stuff. I do it with almost all dairy products. Or, as I realized this week, how she’s picked up that I was folding my towls differently. She now folds them like me. I get a little thrill of pride when I notice these small gifts.
- I think about finding other words besides complicated to talk about adoption. There is a hard prism to look at adoption through. So for now, complicated will have to do.
October 28, 2021
October 28th, 2021 at 9:42 pm
It is complicated. Thank you for talking about it.
Always good to hear from you but I support you taking care of you first.
October 28th, 2021 at 10:56 pm
First of all, I feel so many of the points that you make here, and I agree with many of them.
What hit me the hardest and felt the truest of all was when you said ” It has good guys and bad guys, but which is which sometimes depends on which member of the triad you are. Sometimes your both, sometimes you’re neither.”
That is an incredibly true sentiment. I am a birth parent and I can tell you from my perspective…it’s nothing short of “complicated”. I blog about my experience with that a lot, lately more so it seems.
Thank you for recognizing all of the different perspectives that may be out there.
I wish we lived in a world where when it came to adoption and this precious triad…there truly were no “bad guys”. It just doesn’t need to come to that.