This last week has been incredibly difficult. Without revealing too much, Hope and I had a substantial blowout, and her reaction to it set off a series of events that just have created what feels like a drama cycle that will never end.
Basically life is a shit show.
I have so many emotions. I ended up having 2 therapy sessions just so I could process my own shit after last weekend. Yesterday I realized that a lot of what I have been feeling can be best described as grief.
Grief is hella messy and can be an amalgamation of so many other feelings.
I am sad. I’m furious. I have regret. I have love. I care. I feel fragile. I am confused. I’m just a mess.
And despite her protests, so is Hope.
Although I’ve just tried to put on a brave face this week, the truth is I really am a mess.
One of the only things I can do is to let go, and my natural instinct is to coddle her, draw her close, hug her, care for her, and smooth the path for her; I’ve come to the chapter in parenting when I have to stop some of that. I have to let go of the wheel and let her drive.
At the moment it appears that she might purposely drive it into a ditch just to prove that she can, but she has to drive herself.
It’s hard. It hurts.
I’m here to catch her if she falls, but having to actually allow her to fall is so hard. So much of this life has been helping her progress towards adulthood and making it as smooth a process as possible. I feel like I failed.
I know I didn’t, but it really feels like I did.
You know those new NASA pictures, I want that for Hope.
Hope, I think, is just glad that she didn’t age out of foster care. It’s almost like this is a delayed reaction to coming of age. Also, it’s like she never allowed herself to dream or think about what she might want to do in this life.
Trauma is a bitch. Trauma did this.
I don’t know what the future holds for Hope and me. Things are serious enough that I’m considering ending our online story because it’s just too hard to write about. I have about 5 different versions of this post and none of them, not even this one, adequately captures my feelings and experiences of the last week.
I’m headed off to go see a friend for a bit because I need to get out of the house. Send Hope lots of good energy and positive vibes. We need them, but she needs them more.
July 15th, 2022 at 3:27 pm
I get it I do. You can email if you need to. It is messy and I can’t make sense of this stuff right now either.
July 15th, 2022 at 4:17 pm
Whatever happens, I wish you both well. And if you stop posting, I’ll imagine you going forward.
July 15th, 2022 at 4:39 pm
UNDERSTAND and sending support. It can all be super hard. I remember. If you need to break from writing do what is right for you. Please do tell however if coming back doesn’t work. YOU are cared for and about as is Hope. Even if you just send shopping lists or 2 items knowing you are still ok would be lovely. I remember how hard parenting children that age who had trauma can be. I know the ditches can be deep. I also know love can survive and people that age grow up and change. TRAUMA is terrible and has deep ugly roots, but it does not always win the the war even when it wins some battles. I know you will go forward; I cannot know your road, but I know you love Hope, and she knows that too even when it is hardest.
July 15th, 2022 at 4:49 pm
“TRAUMA DID THIS.” No truer words were ever spoken. Go ahead and grieve (and yes, HOPE); you will do your level best.
July 16th, 2022 at 11:02 am
I’m sending Hope (and you) good energy. I’m sorry things are so difficult right now.
July 18th, 2022 at 10:13 pm
Thank you for letting us into your story. Sometimes (well, often) when I read your posts I sit back and am amazed that you’re writing what I’m feeling. Foster care is so fucking hard sometimes.
July 19th, 2022 at 3:14 pm
I hope you won’t stop, but I can understand the wanting to. I go through long periods of not being able to post because the shit is just too deep and nasty, and I’m not that kind of blogger. So … I hope if you stop, it’s just to take a break – because your voice is resonant and important, and the time will come when you can sing again. Wishing you both all that’s good and rich and fruitful.
July 19th, 2022 at 8:52 pm
I’m sorry to hear this. Sending you and Hope lots of light and love ❤
July 20th, 2022 at 1:10 am
Sending healing vibes your way for you and Hope. Letting go is so very hard.
July 20th, 2022 at 9:50 am
So much love to y’all.