Does everything feel hard to you?

Just me? Huh…

Everything is hard.

My respite in the Bahamas was short-lived. I was back in the office last week and feel like I’ve been on the usual rollercoaster ever since.

Hope basically kept the house and Yappy in order while I was away, but something just felt…off when I got home. The energy in the house hasn’t been good since the beginning of the pandemic, but there were all sorts of little things around the house that didn’t seem quite right when I returned. I just let it go and pressed forward because, really, what else am I going to do?

The moving-out deadline looms, and it’s freaking me out. Hope remains unemployed and unmotivated. We are currently in the very slow-moving car crash. Like, you can see it happening. This week the psychiatrist asked if I would be willing to put a pause on things. It was hard, but I said no, not without some kind of effort from Hope.

I take no pleasure in how all of this is shaking out. I’m miserable, totally and utterly miserable. And I’m realizing that everything is just feeling harder and harder to do every single day.

I’m scared that everything is going to fall apart, and that I don’t know how to stop it. I do not believe dropping the step-up or move-out requirement is going to change much at this point. I believe that we both need a lot of help and support, and we’re not getting those needs met. 1) They are hard needs to meet,2) getting the help and support we need is hard to access even with resources and 3) Hope is resistant to help. It’s all making me an increasingly nervous wreck.

I managed to make an appointment with a psychiatrist for me this week. It’s been a while in the making, and now I just have to wait two effing months before I can go. Fun times. I plan to call my own primary care doc by the end of this week to see if I can get another medication bump in the meantime. I am miserable.

Communication in the house is still tip-toe driven. And I’m constantly facing what feels like quiet resistance from Hope. It feels like we are utterly light years away from the close relationship we once had. Occasionally I’ll see glimmers of it, but it’s largely hidden.

I just want to see my daughter fully functional, able to better self-manage, emotionally regulate, and maybe, just maybe happy. I haven’t given up hope and I never will, but it just seems so impossible to achieve at this point. I know this moment will pass, but it would be really nice to know when.


About AdoptiveBlackMom

I'm a single Black professional woman living in the DC area. I adopted my now adult daughter in 2014, and this blog chronicles my journey. Feel free to contact me at, on Facebook at Adoptive Black Mom, and on Twitter @adoptiveblkmom. ©, 2013-2022. All rights reserved. (Don't copy my ish without credit!) View all posts by AdoptiveBlackMom

11 responses to “Ugh

  • teachmetonight

    You have been incredible. I hate that you are miserable. Thank you for keeping as confidants while protecting your privacy and Hope’s. The tightropes that you are walking? A LOT.

  • rose

    Joining teach about hating what you are going through. No answers from me but lots of understanding that it is thoroughly miserable and that you have no way to help her. If she hasn’t figured out how to have a safe bed is there anyone you know with whom she can safely and appropriately bunk down? Sounds like she is totally sleepwalking. Scary.
    Sending you support always.

  • stumptowndiy

    Hi Dr. ABM,
    I’ve been meaning to reach out to you to show some support and solidarity ever since you started writing about things getting hard with Hope – several months ago I think!
    I don’t know the details of what’s going on of course, but everyone I know in similar situations has had unbelievable, unfathomable, unprecedented challenges. And for many of us, the hardest part was feeling so alone – like no one could relate to us, like the people we normally turn to for support (family, friends) just couldn’t understand what we were going through or why we had to handle it the way we did. Even if they tried, it’s just such an unusual experience to be parenting a child adopted as a teen or pre-teen.
    I’ve been thinking of you and if you’re anything like me, I know there’s nothing I can say that will comfort you in this horrible situation with impossible choices. So I will just say I care about you and about Hope and I am hoping for the best for both of you.
    Warmest regards, Ann

  • Snarl Furillo

    I’m so sorry your family is in such a difficult season. I’ve admired your dedication to and love for Hope for years. No advice (unless you specifically want the extremely dubious expertise of a former mentally ill neurodivergent undermotivated 20something 😕), but I’m always listening with empathy and solidarity and hoping for peace and healing for you and Hope.

  • liz n.

    I have no magic words because no child and no parent is the same as another. It’s so HARD when you have to let them go, whether either of you is ready for it or not, and no matter the reason why. Sending both y’all peaceful and healing energy. You’re both navigating a scary time, and you both deserve to be feeling joy and contentment instead of *gestures at heavy, disagreeable factors* Much love to you both

  • rose

    SO much love and support from so many. GLAD you can see you are not all alone. Wishing for positive movement.
    Will you stay on Twit*** or move to what other platform? I do follow your blog but also see you there. Am unsettled by what am hearing and new apps are hard for elderly me. Scary times all over.

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