Tag Archives: Adoption Placement

Birthday Wishes

Today is my birthday.  I thought I would be happy, but I’ve awakened to a bit of the blues today.  They started sometime yesterday and have just gotten worse every few hours.  I’m struggling with me issues today.  I’m sure it’s all normal, and I’m hoping we blow through today so I can get on with it.

I don’t feel like I’m going to get to do what I want to do for my birthday and it doesn’t feel very good having to nurture the new center of my universe today.  I hate that that sounds so selfish and narcissistic.  I hate that it sounds like I don’t really want to share the day with my daughter.  I hate that I have anxiety about how this day will turn out because things feel so ridiculously unpredictable.  I wish I didn’t feel this way, and I’m terribly sad that I do.  #kickingmyselfwhileimdown

And I got email spam from a faux funeral home this morning.  Yeah, no kidding #41isthenew21

Hope has already given me two drama free days.   That’s right—no meltdowns since the epic, “No, The Furry One is not Kujo” confrontation.  There’s been no back talk.  There’s been no foot dragging on chores.  There’s been compliance.  There’s been giggling.   There’s been sweetness and goodness, and on a trip to the library where we sat for an hour while we read magazines, I looked over at her and thought, “This is so nice.”  Later she read me two books by Shel Silverstein.  I hate Shel Silvertein, by the way, but I loved that she wanted to bond by reading aloud to me.  We were happy.

And as much as I lived in the moments of the last two days; I can’t help feeling like I know I’m just borrowing time from six months from now.  Tomorrow school for Hope starts in earnest.  We’ve got in-take with the new therapist on Wednesday.  Thursday a school orientation program and Friday we head south for one of my best friends’ wedding.   It’s a bit closer to what a “real” week might look like for us in terms of scheduling.  And I’m anxious scared.

And I’m scared that things will fall apart today.  All I want is to go to church, go to a nice brunch, maybe sneak off to the gym for an hour and cook for a few hours with my girl.  But after years of seeing mom’s slug through birthdays, Mother’s Day, and other holidays as the low priority, I know that my expectations of being seen and heard today by Hope are pretty low.  Hope is not yet able to devote capacity to other things besides surviving and adjusting, and I can see how much energy that’s taking.  And I really don’t expect anything more from her right now.  She’s struggling; several friends back home have stopped taking her calls, and one has apparently blocked our phone number.  Although she didn’t meltdown, I can tell she’s having a very hard time with how her friends back in WA are handling her move.

So, I’m scared that the pins and needles reprieve that I’ve enjoyed for the last two days will end today.  I’m fearful of the feelings of isolation that come with a meltdown; those feelings are the worst.  It’s bad enough that you are dealing in the moment with something rotten, then it’s almost like you feel shame for the whole mess and you can’t, shouldn’t, wouldn’t couldn’t dare breathe a word about how really rotten it all is to anyone.  I’m sad because the anxiety about the inevitable reminds me of the pieces of my identity that I’ve had to set down, while I’ll build my family and try to shore it up into something strong and amazing.  I’ve seen glimpses of that reality, but it also feels a bit like a mirage at the moment.

So today we will go to church and a nice brunch might turn into strawberry poptarts.  I will go workout, because I absolutely emotionally and physically need to, and we will cook.  But I won’t expect another smooth day.  I’ll let the universe surprise me.  I’ll try not to cry both happy and sad tears because they upset Hope so; she hates it when I cry.  I typically start crying the moment we walk into church because the emotional release is so great.   I’ll probably need to take something to keep that from happening today.

So this is my version of adoptive motherhood on my 41st birthday, my first birthday with Hope.  Wishing, hoping, praying for a drama-free day with absolutely no effing expectation that it’s going to happen.  Just trying to be thankful for the two early birthday freebies I’ve enjoyed, and secretly praying it’s the beginning of a pattern.


Facebook Make Up Sessions

“…my life ruined right about now i wish i would have just stayed in washington i hate it here right now.”


I didn’t even have to go into her Facebook account to sniff around like I normally do; she posted this as a comment on a photo, in a confab she was having with a FB friend.  I’ve set up our accounts that her posts always show up in my feed.

I was so sad to read that she was sad.  That said I also know when she posted it we had just locked horns badly because she threatened the Furry One.

Hope’s been on a quest to use The Furry One as a test of my loyalty to her.  She’s insisted that he is trying to bite her and that he doesn’t like her.  It makes her sad that he doesn’t want to sleep with her and that if given a choice, The Furry One is content right under one of my butt cheeks.  I’ve had him since he was 8 weeks old and he’s been my constant companion for 14 years. Of course he wants me.  He’s my first furry born.

They are both demanding of my time and both very jealous of the other, but Buddha does show affection towards Hope and the dog doesn’t bite.  He never has.  And now that he’s the equivalent of 98 in people years, he’s really just not about that vicious life.

We had a confrontation about her lying about Buddha, so then she threatened him.

And I went off.

Animal abuse and cruelty was at the top of my non-negotiable list, so when she threatened him I did not react well at all.   It doesn’t help that my resistance is low later in the day because I’m tired.  Make that utterly exhausted.

So I took a timeout—these are becoming routine in our home now.  I’m usually the one in timeout and I explain why, usually because I know that I’m too upset to have a productive interaction or I realize that I’m feeding into the ODD behaviors.  I just have to step away.

She eventually sought me out and we spent our time together before bed.  We’re cool.

Then I saw her FB post that was made while I was in timeout.

So, I inboxed my kid after she went to bed.

“Saw a post that you felt like your life was ruined here and that you hate it here right now. I know you wrote that after I was so angry about you accusing [The Furry One] of trying to bite you when we both agree now that he didn’t.  I’m sorry.  I am learning how to be a mom, and it’s harder than I thought. I am trying really hard, though. Sometimes I will do better than other times. Please know that even when I’m mad, I love you so very much. More than you’ll ever know. I think in time we will be just fine.”

“ps: [The Furry One] loves you and so do i.

“pps: I’m glad you like your school”

I didn’t say anything about it when she got up this morning.  I knew she would see it when she finally logged on.   Her response?

“Really mom?”

Along with this “sticker:”


Yeah, we’re cool again.   For now.

School Registration

Today we register for school.




I doubt that she’s quite as excited.  Let’s go burn off some of this energy, Hope.  Praying I have enough motivations to help her try to keep it together.  I have realistic expectations about her initial behavior, but I’m hopeful about Hope.

Let’s do this!

Shoe Drop

Awww yeah, the glass slipper dropped today.

It’s been an edgy day in the ABM household.  It hasn’t been horrible, but the glimpses of drama are starting to emerge.


The Furry One is beside himself with Hope in the house.  He’s fretful, clingy and begging for attention.  Hope is also clingy and begging for attention.   The combination after about 8 hours has left me loathing clinging for the day and begging for quiet and solitude…and a dose of my anti-anxiety meds.

She caught several attitudes today when I replied no to a request or just asked her to wait.  She nearly had a meltdown when a neighbor stopped by to do me a quick favor.  Disruptive, huffy, and just downright rude.

After finishing up our board game this evening, she caught a serious attitude when trying to add up her winnings.  I suspected that she had some problems with the math, so I suggested that we get some paper and a pen to help with some of the math and I also offered to help.  Full on attitudinal meltdown.  We took a 10 minute time out.  Came back after the time out for more attitude complete with a “You don’t need to keep me, just send me back to Washington.”  Yeah, zero to 60; we are there fast.  I suspect I’ll be hearing that refrain a lot in the next few months.  Sigh.  Awesome. #notreally

I replied, “Nope, you’re not going back unless we go to visit.  We’re stuck with each other, and I’m excited about that, and I love you.”

We just finished a follow up 20 minute time out, and now she’s talking to a friend.  And yes, I’m listening because she talks so dang loud and on speaker.  She’s talking to some little dude that she has a crush on and apparently had an AMAZING dream about last night.  And OMG, she just told him she liked him because he’s cute (#liveblogging!).  Thank you Jesus for the 3,000 miles between them (#jesusbeafence).

Gotta admire her hutzpah, though.  How many chicks do you know are willing to just call up a dude at 12 (or 30) and tell him they like him and why.  And now she’s all giggly again, and I have to go so I can hear her debrief version (which no doubt will vary from what I heard with my own two ears), and then we need to watch Big Bang Theory in my bedroom.

Meltdown over.

There is a lot of attitude living in the ABM house these days.  Good Lord, be a fence against the drama.  And since I’m praying, I need every boy at her new school to look like a medieval gargoyle.


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