Tag Archives: Eating Disorders

Thoughts on Food & Eating

I’m pretty open about my eating disorder. I am a recovering bulimic. I’ve been clean for over a decade.

I developed the disorder during my second year of college. My friends staged an intervention. I started going to counseling. That lead to more than 10 years of trying to get on top of things. Along the way, I developed Barrett’s Esophagus, have horrendous reflux, lost my gallbladder, and have to take a cancer preventative for the rest of my life. I usually joke that the Holy Homeboy gave me scraps for a GI tract, but the truth is that my illness did this.

Anyhoo, my last episode was triggered by my ex’s alcoholic relapse. I tumbled right on in that hole after him. It took 2 years of Eating Disorders Anon, Al-Anon, Codependents Anon, and an application to my doctoral program to get me out of that situation. That was the last time I binged and purged.

Well, I’m going through a high trigger spell right now.

Hope is triggering me.

She’s oblivious to this, as she should be. But she’s engaging in food behaviors that my body interprets as disordered. And it’s kind of driving me nuts.

Generally speaking, Hope is not a morning person nor does she eat breakfast. That took a lot of getting used to. I grew up in a family that sees breakfast as a form of communal worship, and getting three squares is one of the many ways I cope with my bulimia. Left to her own devices, Hope will eat one giant meal because lazy wins when you compare cleaning after 2 meals instead of one.

In recent months. Hope has gained a bit of weight, enough to concern her doctor, and I’d wager she’s gained a bit more in the two months since we saw him last. I have been trying to make sure that she has access to healthy foods: I cook. I successfully compete against the urge to stop off for take-out on the way home from work. I figured that if she was going to binge then I would make sure she had high-quality food to do it.

A few weeks ago I started buying her a few Lean Cuisine’s for lunch at work. Keep in mind, she works at Target, where she could buy these same meals, but I have to make it easy. I also know that food is one ofo Hope’s love languages. I figured that these might help scale back the late-night binges, which takes me back into the first 3,4, maybe 5 years of us being a family.

Hope experienced many bouts of food insecurity as a child. She would sneak and steal food constantly. I made her one of those boxes with snacks and promised to refill as needed. She’s binge nightly for months on end. She was nearly finished high school before she really was able to self-regulate. Now she will eat every meal I offer, but the late-night buffet stays too.

All those years I was never tempted to binge and purge. She had my full attention.

But now our mother-daughter relationship is evolving rapidly. She’s a really cool person, and I enjoy spending time with her. But this food pattern has me feeling things I don’t like feeling. And I don’t know if this is a new version of food trauma, now that she’s older, or a conscious choice to just load up when her body says go, or just what normal college students today do.

(I hate the last part of the last sentence. Why don’t I just announce I am getting and feeling older? Ugh)

I know I’m going to have to talk to her about it. I’ll feel awful if she’s just currently wired to eat like this, it’s a preference. Actually, I’ll feel guilty for asking her to change the routine. But what if she might actually be wrestling with disordered eating? Maybe me disclosing my struggle with the request to change the routine for me would lead to her talking about her needs as well. I would want to help her save herself.

I hope it’s nothing. It concerns me that my ED recognized these behaviors. I have all kinds of triggers; hell my job is a whole trigger. I know what I know. So we’ll talk; and things will be fine. I just need to do this really soon; otherwise, I might slip down this slippery slope. Wish me luck and grace.


Security Blankets

I usually take beach vacations that require a couple of swimsuits, a few sarongs, some flip-flops and sunscreen. Vacationing in Seattle for a week requires a decidedly different sort of attire.  Jeans and t-shirts are probably best, right?  I hardly ever wear pants, much less jeans.  I have a closet full of dresses and skirts.  I like them.  They make me feel extra girly.  They also hide a multitude of body sins that seem especially sinful at this time in my life when dragging my weary bones to the gym at 5am is way more challenging than it was a few years ago.

When I booked my tickets to go to see Hope two weeks ago, I pondered what I would/should wear to see my daughter for the first time.  Heck, I haven’t spent this much time fretting over what to wear on what is similar to a first date in decades.   I knew I used my girly dresses to hide my body, but I didn’t realize how much or rather I haven’t been able to admit it until this week.

I’ve long struggled with body issues, but I thought I had come to a place of acceptance, especially this year.  I’ve been too busy to worry about size and shape.  I have a nice sense of style; I pick clothes that fit and flatter.  With everything going on, I try to eat well, get some sleep, and press on.  This year has been the first time in probably 10 years that I’ve not been overly concerned about my body.  I’ve just been too busy.   It’s actually been a freeing relief for this gal who was held in the grips of an eating disorder for quite a few years.

Getting ready to go see Hope has made me take a breath from the swirling of work, school and even the totality of the adoption process.  Gosh, insecurity is a b*tch.  In the first real inhale/exhale sequence, Insecurity showed up right away, and she’s got me shook about what to wear and what my choice of what to wear to this meeting will say about me.  I want to seem approachable, warm, loving and cool…to a 12 year old.  Oh and I don’t want to seem fat or dowdy.  I mean I’m not fat or dowdy, but eh…you get the picture.  Good–friggin-grief; am I really having a mini-meltdown about whether to pack dresses that I just realized are a sort of security blanket?  Jeesch, guess I have something to talk to my therapist about later this month.  Awesome.

I want to embrace this body, and because even if she doesn’t care, I want Hope to see me embrace this body.  I want her to embrace her body and develop a good, healthy sense of self.  I tripped over a nugget last week when she revealed that she’d been bullied about being too skinny.  Well, I’ve never had that problem, and I can’t say that I was ever bullied by my weight actually, but I do know I want to model a healthy body image for Hope.  I want her to feel good about herself; I’m going to have to feel good about myself in order to help her learn that lesson.

So, yeah, jeans and t-shirts it is.  Thank heavens I got around to buying a couple of pairs of jeans over the Labor Day holiday, and I’ve picked up a couple of cute tops to give me a relaxed, yet put together look.   Oh I’ll pack a casual dress or two, as well.  A girl needs a security blanket every now and then, and old habits die hard.


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