Today is my 19th day of “social distancing” and my conclusion is, this is rough.
But of course, it’s a small price to pay for my health and the health of everyone else.
But it is rough.
Last week, I made it to about Wednesday before I hit the total wall slide emotionally. Work is draining me. There seem to be expectations that we all genuinely will be as or more productive teleworking…in the middle of an effing pandemic that hasn’t hit its peak yet and we actually don’t know when it will.
Yeah, I’m totally planning on crunching out data reports, launching some studies and being the all around boss chick!
No, I’m not.
I get up, walk and get dressed every morning. I go through my ever growing things to do list. I try to cram in video chats with my parents, my sisters, maybe a friend or two during the course of the day.
I’ve already lost track of how many Zoom calls I’ve been on because no one just wants to call anymore. By the way, I officially hate video chatting for work. It’s useful, but these last 19 days it has been so overutilized that I can barely stand getting on another one. It’s like the text message that should be an email? Zoom is the video conference that really should’ve been a phone call.
Every work day, I’m figuring out what one task is the most essential thing I have to do that day and what other two, maybe three things are light enough to for me to handle on the same day. The fact that I can only accomplish two things a day fills me with guilt and, frankly a heap of self-disappointment. I’m usually a high performer. My personal standard is extraordinarily high. I and my sisters take enormous pride in the fact that our 100% is a lot of people’s 150%.
And now, I really just am frozen in place. Every day is a struggle to remain functional. I have even not exercised like I normally do this week.
It’s bad y’all.
The reality is that I’m anxious as hell.
I’m preoccupied with people who know people who are sick. I’m afraid about getting sick or Hope getting sick. I’m afraid if I get sick then can Hope really take care of me? I’m worried about how long this will last. I’m worried about how I’m going to deal with not being triggered by Hope’s utter refusal to do what I ask her to do when I ask her to do it (It happens so often I’m just…UGH!). I’m freaked that if my parents get sick the most recent video chat might be our last.
I miss normalcy.
I’m not used to being this kind of worrywart. I don’t like it. So then I feel guilty about it. I’m just a mess really.
I don’t mind working at home. Honestly that’s not the thing—it’s why I’m working from home that is so upsetting.
I only watch the news for about 30 minutes a day. I avoid a lot of internet chatter about COVID-19, even though that’s what everyone is posting about. I have switched up my Instagram to follow dogs, lots of dog accounts. I don’t want to hear a lot of toxic positivity. I don’t want to hear about the Super Christians who just believe that they are immune because Jesus. I don’t want to hear that I should do more yoga, eat better and get some exercise. I don’t want to hear that the new found flexibility of full-time telework should allow me to really maximize effort. I don’t want to hear from exes. I don’t want to think about the two who are already on the other side of the veil.
I actually would prefer not to have to think for a few days.
And this is me after a week off from work. Yeah, that happened barely two weeks ago.
I did renew my online yoga membership. I am ordering yarn from Amazon to start a new, as yet identified project. I’m watching Tiger King on Netflix (Weird!). I’m dancing to DJs spinning on Instagram. I’m playing Boggle with Hope—taking no mercy, but seeing her step her game up to try to best me. I’m talking to Yappy, who looks at me lovingly. He also has given me a window into the secret life he leads when we’re out of the house. That life includes drinking from the toilet. WTH?
I’m grateful that my therapist has transitioned to an online practice. I have an appointment this week. Thank goodness.
I can’t even imagine trying to do homeschooling and such. One of my sisters is a kindergarten teacher. She’s got 4 kids and is now teaching kindergarten online.
Like it is just maddening. She’s not really able to homeschool her own littles because it is utter chaos.
My other sister works in IT and is working to ensure that our internet doesn’t go down. She’s on the outside of the bubble. I worry about her a lot.
Ok, I’m starting to ramble, and I’m sure you get the point.
I’m not exactly ok.
I will be, but right now I’m not. I see a mental health day coming soon. Definitely.
How are you all holding up?