“You know, we’re all looking at her pics thinking, “my child”, “my grandbaby”, “my niece”, but she gets to look at your pic and for the first time in a long time, she has the possibility of “my mom”. A lil scary for everyone, but I can’t imagine not having my mom, and to then have to have that window of possibility open because of a loving stranger across the country. Especially when she has needed and waited for that a long, longer than us. God really is amazing. #sundaymorningthoughts”
I’ve been traveling this weekend and have been chatting with one of my sister’s, Sister K (no, we’re not Catholic, and she’s not a nun, it’s just her blog pseudonym). I received pictures of Hope last week and delightedly shared them with my immediate family. We just can’t stop looking at this gorgeous kid. She’s my phone screen saver and I can’t wait to have one of these pics put on canvas to hang on one of my walls. I smile goofy grins when looking at her picture and when reading her little letter, which at current count, I’ve read only about 2500 times since receiving it last Tuesday.
But Sister K sent me the text message above and called my attention back to reality when she reminded me that Hope will get my response to her precious letter and my picture tomorrow. And it will be the first time she sees me. Holy moly! Humans are incredibly visual beings. What must be going through her mind? Will she see my picture and think this could be “my mom?” Will she think, “I guess I could live with her, she’s a’ight.” Will she think, “Uhm, no. Not going to work.” What if she doesn’t see rainbows and sparkly unicorns when she sees my picture? What if I’m her First No? I’m hoping the fact that she already sent me a sweet, curious letter highlighting similar interest means that at least my original bio was some indication of my sparkliness. What, if anything, will she feel?
I figure she might also be experiencing some of the anxiety I felt a week ago when I was waiting to hear back about her reaction to hearing about me. Ugh, that was a really icky feeling last week. I’m sure I gained a few more gray hairs.
My sister also triggered some thoughts about wanting a mom and wanting me for a mom. This is the kid who has said she wanted two moms because in not having one, she figured she should double down on this whole mom thing (adorable kid reasoning, right?). I’m wondering will I at least be passable enough to meet her lowest mom criteria (what might those criteria be?)? And then will she think I—AdoptiveBlackMom—am good enough to be her mom?
Here’s the thing, this is an older child adoption. She has somewhat of a say in whether this thing happens and whether it works. I can’t imagine being in her shoes, experiencing the life she has to date and having so little a say in what has happened up to this point. She has a little bit of power here, but I don’t know if she knows she has it, much less how to use it judiciously.
I’m not as anxious as I was before. I just wonder a lot. I want her to like me. It all feels more a weird mix of trying to make new girlfriends in grade school and going out on a blind date. The anxiety is manageable and laced with eagerness. I want her to not just like me, I hope she will be find this to be a match and that she will be open to being mothered. I’m not into the “Oh she will like you because you’re great.” There are lots of great people out there, I’m ok. I don’t need reassurances, well at least not from anyone but Hope. Her reaction is really the only one that matters today.
I hope I’m sparkly enough!