I’m glad that 2015 is coming to a close. It’s been a good, but tough year, and these last few months have left me feeling emotionally spent.
I have changed a lot this year. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I have developed better skills in a number of areas. I’m aware of shortcomings and areas I need to work on, even if I haven’t really begun the process of working on them.
It’s easy when you are going through a reflective period to pick yourself apart as you examine all your faults.
I have spent many hours replaying things in my mind, heavy sighing and shaking my head as I contend with my shortcomings and perceived failures. I often feel like I’m failing at this mother thing; I am realizing that all parents wish they were doing better, even if what they are doing is their best.
I spend hours replaying how I might’ve kept my temper and my mouth in better check with Hope as we’ve head butted worse than a couple of rams in the last few months.
I’ve mourned the life I envisioned and at times discounted the life I have because sometimes it’s just…hard.
I haven’t acknowledged how I have pulled together a support circle, instead of still sitting around waiting for validation from individuals from whom it may never come.
I’ve focused at lot on the struggle rather than the triumphs, and there have been triumphs. I put together our holiday video card during the last week and I had a grand time picking out pictures for the montage. There were definitely triumphs.
I’ve seen my daughter start to grow socially.
I’ve been able to keep a level head and not freak out when things reached critical points.
I kicked arse at work this year.
I focused less on weight and more on health.
I made time for fun.
I improved on my ability to let anger go more quickly.
Nothing major fell through the cracks.
I sustained a healthy, loving relationship with Elihu, and he and Hope finally met, allowing me the ability to integrate bits of my life together.
I activity sought help when I needed it.
Moment to moment, I did my best, even if it wasn’t *the* best for the situation.
I did ok this year.
And I’m hopeful for next year.
I’m hopeful that I will be a better person and a better mom.
I hope that Hope and I will work through our attachment issues that threaten us both so much.
I’m hopeful that I can continue to marshal the resources to help Hope be her best self.
I’m hopeful that Yappy will get over his separation anxiety.
I’m hopeful that my confidence in my home life begins to mirror my confidence at work.
I’m hopeful that maybe Hope and I can get a little closer to the visions that we had for mother and daughter.
I’m hopeful that I will focus more on triumphs and less on failures.
I’m hopeful for just…better.
And it will be better.