Earlier this month, I sent Hope for private comprehensive testing. I hoped to document a diagnosis that appeared in her disclosure documents, as well as to determine if there were any other conditions that needed to be addressed medically and behaviorally. This week, I met with the psychologist for the preliminary report.
I’d prefer not to specifically disclose her diagnoses, but I would say they are very common findings for foster kids and adoptees.
So, yeah, fun times.
Honestly it explained a lot of what we experience. I definitely intellectually understand why somethings I do work great and some things send us screeching towards disasters. I think I get it now.
I’m finding that most of the folks I talk to regularly are also adoptive or foster parents. At this time in my life, it’s just easier. I never have concerns about being judged. I don’t have fear about my daughter being judged. These relationships are invaluable to me; that said, they don’t completely fill the holes left by my pre-Hope life.
I do still have some friends whom I confide in and of course my family, but sometimes, I find myself being so cagey. My fear, defensiveness and over-sensitivity around feeling judged and being unable to articulate the depth of our issues holds me back from deeply confiding in folks. I am always worried about being able to fully overcome the syrupy sweet adoption narrative that bounces in the echo chamber, “You’ve been a family for two years, what could possibly be wrong?” Or, “Oh that’s not a *real* issue, my kid does that all the time (you just don’t know any better).”
My daughter’s issues are real.
My issues with my daughter’s issues are real.
It takes real effort and strategy to be my daughter’s mom and full-time case manager. It’s real. It’s not that I don’t know what I’m doing, it’s that some folks don’t believe our issues are real.
We hear a lot in the media about the need to destigmatize mental health disorders; I’ve concluded that they don’t mean all disorders. They don’t mean the stuff that actually leads to suicidal or homicidal ideation. They really mean, “let’s wait until you’re actually learning how to tie the noose before we scream, ‘See something, say something!!!”
Those efforts to destigmatize mental health disorders don’t talk about how we need to manage severe disorders in children. Those efforts certainly don’t speak of the challenges of managing neurocognitive disorders that are often along for the ride, making treatments difficult to tease into meaningful chunks for parents.
Those efforts don’t consider the reactions that parents get from friends, colleagues and family members who offer comforting bullshit like, “Oh I think that diagnosis is just an excuse for a kid to act up!” or “Gosh, they are just diagnosing everyone with *that* now; it’s trendy.”
It’s hard to maintain relationships when folks don’t believe science, aren’t willing to listen and insist on unwittingly shutting down conversations with folks who just need to talk about their ish.
As I was sitting talking with the psychologist, I was wondering beyond the “team” of professionals that keep me and Hope duct taped together, who would I share this information with. Not that I would tell a bunch of people, but I found that number of individuals within our closest circle with whom I would confide in hopes of getting support for ME was pretty small. Really, really small.
I’ve been burned too many times. My trust bank is low, and in real life, I often feel really alone when walking/talking/living outside of the foster/adoption community. I’m so blessed to have cultivated some great friendships within the community, but the revelation that sharing my struggles with some people with whom I have a long history and genuine affection isn’t worth my time because I already know it’s not going to end well…well that hurts.
And it just reminds me of loss. Just more loss.
I have been spending a lot more time in recent months working on diversity stuff, and I’m increasingly sensitized to the way that this journey has affected me in ways that make me other myself or make me feel othered. Being Hope’s mom is a beautiful, amazing thing. But it’s definitely not an easy thing, not at all. No parenting is easy, and for me, this journey isn’t either.
I’m the same person as before, but I’m not, I guess.
And folks who expected this journey to turn out differently are also the same people. I’m just seeing them differently, and sometimes it’s really disappointing. Sometimes, it just really hurts.
It would be nice to feel like I could share with people actually believing that my daughter’s mental health issues are a real thing that requires real attention in order to get her healthy and happy in a sustainable way. I don’t ever want to find myself in a situation side-eyeing folks because tragedy befell us and then folks wondered why I never shared.
I won’t be responsible for my response in that scenario.
So if you know someone with a kid who has mental health issues, please don’t be dismissive. There are so few safe outlets for support. Recognize that destigmatizing mental health disorders means supporting folks long before the drama becomes tragic. Listen, learn and believe that this stuff is real and that it is some hard ish to wrestle with and really, really hard to wrestle with in a meaningful way alone.
Please believe us and support us.
May 28th, 2016 at 11:25 pm
Everything you wrote us do true! Continue to fight for her needs.
May 29th, 2016 at 3:56 pm
We get that so often, it’s silly! “Every kid does that…” “That’s just the latest fad diagnosis…” “You can cure that with (yoga/special diet/exercise/meditation/religion/better parenting).” I try to explain that, maybe that is their experience, but kids who have experienced trauma really DO have their brains altered in the experience. Plus genetics factor into it, which is often why their first parents couldn’t parent them. Mental illness should come as no surprise in foster kids!
But, when people don’t listen to that explanation, I just stop talking to them. Life is short and I can’t waste my time with idiots!
May 29th, 2016 at 4:19 pm
Sorry you got me to eye roll at the “every kid does that…” umm no they don’t not like this. Yes de-stigmatize mental illness but hello accept that some children are living with it and it has not a dang thing to do with their current guardian or care giver. Yep support for self is super hard, I feel that one all the way over here too. Take what you can and for sure cling to the parents who actually get it.
June 11th, 2016 at 2:01 pm
I believe you and feel your loss. Over the past few years I have seen my life unravel and have been pushed to my physical and mental limits by my adopted daughter’s mental health issues. Friends have faded away, even good ones. And despite all of my efforts there does not appear to be a glittery rainbow happy ending in our future. She is my daughter forever whether she wants or is able to acknoweldge it.
I do not have a blog, but if I did I would be
WAM- widowed adoptive mom
June 11th, 2016 at 2:19 pm
Hugs, WAM, come on in, pull up a comfy chair, have a glass of whatever you want and know that APs share this journey. Wish I had words of comfort, I do. That said, see the next post and know that you are enough. ❤❤❤❤❤