We’re one month into school and the proverbial ish has hit the fan. The grades are nosediving.
They are falling for lots of reasons. There is a lot of work, and the work is hard. Did I mention that there is a lot of it? Hope hasn’t asked to use her much needed accommodations, and high schoolers have to ask as a part of being trained to be self-reliant. The problem is that the reason she has accommodations makes her have problems remembering to ask to avail herself of said accommodations.
I’ve reached out to each of the teachers. They seem nice enough.
And now, I’m struggling to figure out what my role here is, what is this mama bear to do?
I am Hope’s advocate.
But there is a clear expectation that Hope begins to advocate for herself.
There’s also a need for her to accept her responsibilities, since her recitation of academic concerns are all externally triggered.
I am guessing it’s going to be a long time before we turn this corner, and then I have no idea what’s on the other side of it.
I encourage her. I take her to tutoring. I make sure that I’m *that* parent who visits the school, reaches out to the teachers, and makes sure that Hope has access to support. I ask about homework. I check the school sites for assignments and grades.
I think I am doing everything I can.
It’s hard to watch the slide; I think we both feel helpless.
There are some things that Hope can do, but the motivation isn’t there.
There’s a lot of emotion, and I fear a lot more on the horizon.
I’m not sure what the next move is to help her, to at least help her help herself.
I am afraid for her. I want so much for her.
It’s moments like these that I really get a sense of what must go on in her head…the sense that she’s just always trudging uphill, that there is no end to the drama, the hard times, wondering if she will ever be conventionally successful?
There’s such a mixture of defiance and fear, defensiveness and anxiety, and hurt, just lots of hurt.
I wish I could make it better.
I’m doing everything I can; we’re at a place where her success is dependent on her active self-advocacy.
I wish she was able to step up. I pray that she will be able to step up soon, but I’m trying to brace myself for her inability to do that yet.
And it feels terrible.
The only thing worse is fearing that she thinks I think less of her because she is having a hard time. I’m trying to be reassuring, to not apply too much pressure, to encourage her. But I fear that all of that is being interpreted as thinking she’s less than. I am heartbroken by the fact that it took me so long to understand her struggles. I fear the damage that I caused in all those months of not understanding.
I’m not self-loathing and I can forgive myself, but none of that makes up for the time loss in building Hope’s trust in me.
I can only keep doing what I’m doing.