In spite of our recent struggles Hope and I persist. #nevertheless
This weekend I decided to redo my bedroom. I painted and moved the furniture. I hadn’t done this is more than 15 years; it was more than time for me to make this change. Freaked Yappy out, but I’m delighted by the change.
Hope helped me paint my room. I got up early and got started by myself. She joined me a few hours later. It was such a fun experience teaching her how to paint the walls. I’ve been working on getting her to abandon her perfectionist ways, but on this occasion, they came in handy as once she got the hang of things, she insisted on doing the detail work.
We painted. We took breaks and had veggie omelets. We painted and stopped for lunch. We painted and watched a movie. We moved heavy furniture around (#girlpower) and took Advil before bed.
Hope tapped out before everything was totally done; she retreated to her room to catch up on K-dramas. I finished painting some trim and got started on cleaning up. We’d had such a lovely day working together. Hope said she really enjoyed the painting and wondered if this was something she might do in the future…professionally. I told her how much it would’ve been for someone to come in and paint my room professionally and how people make a good living doing painting professionally. She still trying to figure out what she wants to be one day, but the fact that she’s actively trying on ideas is a lovely thing.
Of course, some of this dreaming about her future makes her anxious; actually, a most of it does. Turns out getting hooked up with a nerd mom who loves school, studied school and works with schools puts a lot of pressure out there even if I try not to. I want Hope to find her own way and to take her time doing so. She says she wants to be a linguist, but I also know that she has some natural interest and ability in physics. If she were willing to practice music more, she’s talented, gifted even, there could be a future there. Who knows what she will end up doing; I’m not worried. I know she will find her way.
What’s wonderful to me, even in the midst of her struggle, is that she is dreaming of a future. She’s envisioning herself doing different kinds of things. That’s so cool.
What’s more is Hope also dreams about how she will live. This weekend she regaled me with details about the kind of home she wants and how it would be decorated. She has good tastes.
On more than one occasion this weekend I found myself suppressing a smile of pride as she went on about the kind of life she would live.
It’s taken a long time for Hope to start dreaming about her future…or at least vocalizing the dreams she has for herself. I hold onto these moments tightly since I know we’re still roughing it. It’s reassuring to know that she is thinking about her future. Some days it’s so hard to think about the future; the past crushes us. It hangs around like a bad penny. So whenever Hope mentions the future, a part of me summersaults.
I continue to be optimistic about her healing and her ability to become this amazing woman.
December 14th, 2017 at 10:19 am
I’m always thrilled when I hear about young people exploring careers outside the usual stuff…teacher, doctor, lawyer. As an adult, I finally understand the concept that you should do what you love. As a kid, I never considered things like painter, chef, electrician. I had the incorrect belief that you had to choose a mainstream career to be financially successful, and I not know you can be financially successful at anything, if you’re good at it, so you should choose something you love! Good for Hope trying on new hats!
December 27th, 2017 at 11:44 am
Your optimism is contagious. I need it. Thank you.
December 29th, 2017 at 5:51 pm
YES! This is really great. We didn’t even realize how stunted Delight’s ability to think about the future was for the first year or so. Not sure if it’s the same with Hope, but he had never had the experience with birth parents or his many foster parents of being able to plan for the future. So his brain literally hadn’t developed the ability to do so. I don’t think he’s quite at the point of truly considering different career options but there’s a huge difference just in thinking about the next year or two. I hope you are patting yourself on the back as well, as you suppress those smiles of pride in your daughter!
December 29th, 2017 at 5:53 pm
Thanks so much! I think we take for granted that our kids even see a future. It’s definitely been eye opening and humbling. 🙂