This month has been long and hard. I’m anxious to end the month and get on with things. Of course getting on with things during these pandemic days means a week from now I’ll stop and check to see if the months actually changed.
I didn’t get my beach vacation.
Work is still demanding a lot of me. So many questions from so many people needing so many answers and guidance.
July marked Hope having been home nearly 5 months. It marked the end of what I believe was our pandemic honeymoon period. This month things got real.
When Hope was placed with me, we had a honeymoon period of only about 2 weeks. We hit major skids early. We never jumped back into that nice, settled, loving, peaceful connection or rather we turned into our normal version of that. We’ve been that way, pretty stable, for years.
It’s been 2 years since Hope went off to a month long summer camp. Since then, this has been the longest we’ve been under the same roof. She was home for breaks and a few weekends. But now we really live together.
And it’s weird. With Hope away, I had embraced my inner nerd, my sassy single status (though dating remains a trash fire) and my personal routine. I feel like I’m wrapping those moments away in tissue to protect them in storage.
I’m feeling a bit lost, if I’m honest.
Pre-pandemic I was really focused on trying to figure out what my next big life steps were going to be. Today, I’m worried about getting sick, someone in my family getting sick, trying to do some more estate planning, wondering if Hope will ever be able to go back to school and so much more. Honestly, it’s overwhelming.
There are so many things I’d like to do, but it feels like hopes and dreams are currently on pause. So, it feels like I’m currently on pause. Even writing feels hard right now.
So, here’s to August. May it be kinder to all of us.
August 2nd, 2020 at 2:59 pm
It is being very hard for most of us. You are not alone. Hope is not alone. It is scary and awful and discouraging and depressing and filled with sorrow. BUT, we are holding your hands and you are holding ours. We actually HAVE done this. We are showing we can do this. We do not have to enjoy it but as there is no option about doing it, please keep holding hands and we will all have our hands held together. Hope will grow older and will change again and again. You are moving through very difficult times and Hope will know as she grows older that both of you did this together, that together we are stronger than alone. And that we can have many different partners in life … even without a primary romantic one … . And at a very senior age (I think my children are older than you are) I can also say some of those non-romantic ones are the most sustaining and supporting and reliable ones. Keep looking anyway AND hold on to the people who cherish all of you … Support!
PS: sometimes I cannot do it even a day or half day or hour at a time… 30 seconds however……..I can hold my breath for 30 seconds.
August 6th, 2020 at 10:25 pm