I’m Still Here…

But I’m not gonna lie, I legit forgot the blog existed for like a week.

I’ve been consumed with raging HR issues in the office (so many meetings, decisions, consensus seeking, drama drama, drama), preparing for our annual meeting, crocheting, and existing.

Here’s a quick rundown of life since I last posted.

• I gave Yappy an absurdly bad haircut. He was embarrassed and didn’t stop mean mugging me and hiding under the bed until I put a t-shirt on him.
• Hope and I continue to get along pretty well. I think this has allowed us to have some serious revelations about Hope and her needs. I think we can specifically see what we need to focus on with her psychiatrist. In retrospect I realize that I didn’t advocate harder for what I thought needed to be addressed last summer. I don’t blame me, but I still regret it.
• The lack of stability early in Hope’s life has created a straight line to our challenges right this moment. That lack of stability stunted various parts of Hope’s executive function development, including the ability to plan. The ADHD makes it worse. And the prospect of actually doing adulthood just took it to another level. She never planned for any of this, not even during the last decade with me. So, not only did she not plan for it, she never really learned how to even create the plan.
• That sent me down my own rabbit hole. We shared a life and saw that life so very differently. I just didn’t appreciate how much trauma can result in an inability to dream about a better future. It broke my heart that Hope has lived in constant fear of rejection-such that there didn’t seem a need to bother planning a future. Just devastating.
• I just started a bathroom renovation today that has already run my pressure up. I getting luxe upgrades. Electronic bidet! A real soaking tub! A bathroom fan with built in speakers! Quartz countertop! Custom cabinets. I spent so much money today, and even though I have the money and credit to easily absorb it, dropping big coin sends my anxiety into overdrive. I am a mess. They made quick work of the demolition today and I didn’t let myself see the space for 5+ hours after they left. Two weeks of this… And sharing a bathroom with Hope. Pray for me.
• I ordered a beautiful dress for a fancy work dinner next week. It was supposed to be here on the 20th, and a week later still not here. I check on my order… The fabric for the dress hasn’t come in. I am done. I have no dress! Also, new beau who will be known as TGM (IYKYK), double booked as my plus one and a whisky tasting thing with the boys. #BlankStare Sooooo, no dress and no date. WTF
• So I’m happy that I have a new psychiatrist because bay-,bee!, I don’t know how I’ve been holding it together. I’m stressed. I figure since everyone is safe and generally in a good place has allowed me to cope reasonably well. It’s a struggle tho.

• I turned 50. I legit saw a bunch of f*cks leave the building. Sadly I seem to have f*cks to spare. In any case, I like it. I’m fabulous and fifty. I’ve been keeping my hair mostly colored these days; that brings me a bit of joy.

I’m ok. We’re ok. Just plugging along, living life.