As planned I booked the sitter and a hotel room less than 5 miles from the house and fled for some much needed respite this weekend. In fact by 8:30pm each night, I was sitting in my jammies, swigging wine from a bottle in my room, contemplating my bedtime.
I slept about 10 hours the first night. I walked 3 miles the next morning while shopping. I slept 3 hours this afternoon—like back in the bed, under the covers, knocked out napping. I hit the elliptical for 45 minutes that evening. I ate carry out from Whole Paycheck [Foods], and, yes, drank wine straight from the bottle.
Gosh I needed that. I called Grammy the first evening and when she heard I napped she exclaimed, “That’s not even in your nature? You don’t nap.”
Yeah, I know. I’m exhausted.
I’ve noticed a few things while on this mini getaway.
I eat horribly when I’m stressed and exhausted. No wonder I’m at my highest weight ever. Ugh! I actually listened to my twisted mind tell myself I deserved a bunch of fatty foods (tasted good though). Today I started the Couch to 5K program. Let’s go.
My carpal tunnel has progressed to the point where I need to seriously consider surgery. How did I ignore the weakening of my hand? I mean, it’s really, really bad! Calling my doc this week.
I am really tired, like really tired. Must go to bed earlier.
The moment I get away from Hope, I actually miss her. Not enough to run home, mind you, but I do miss her, and I miss Yappy too.
I miss her but I know she was fine. I know because she texted me like 18 times and called me once. She was irritated because I could not resolve her minor problem, and she sat in silence on the phone furious when she realized that I was not going to hurry home to find the key for the bike lock. Nope, Hope, not gonna do it.
I was proud of myself that I did not buy her anything while out shopping. Admittedly, I saw a bunch of stuff I wanted to scoop up for her. I mean, the 8th grade prom is coming up! But nope didn’t buy her one thing.
I took care of me this weekend. I need to do this more often. I really do.
I see how parents get so run down; parenting, working, and running a household is exhausting. I like to think I keep up with a lot of stuff, but I forget all kinds of things—like Hope’s sports physical this past week. It didn’t make the master calendar and thus in my mind did not exist.
Cooking, cleaning, running errands, paying bills, packing lunches, emailing teachers, figuring out birth family stuff, figuring out adoption stuff, therapy appointments, medication management appointments, puppy school, band concerts, and oh yeah, my job!
I swear I don’t know how it all gets done because this isn’t even close to being an exhaustive (ironic) list. I often think it probably isn’t that much easier with a partner, but it seems like it certainly would help.
It’s hard to believe I did a better job of having respite last year than I have done this year. I can only say it’s the curse of being post-finalization and having some belief that things are “fine” now.
They aren’t.
Weekly, when I’m mindful, I see the evidence of Hope’s challenges, and although we have come a long way; there is so much further we must go.
I’m going to have to take a better care of myself if I’m going to help her face her challenges.
Two broken wheels on a bike never makes sense.
So, I’m hoping to really care for myself this summer. I’m going to try.
AdoptiveBlackMom 
May 25th, 2015 at 9:02 pm
I think caring for yourself is the best way to set you and Hope up for greater success!! And seeing you come to that realization on your weekend get-a-way is really awesome, now it’s just a matter of sticking to it! Wishing you the best as you try to live with a little more balance in your life. 🙂
May 25th, 2015 at 9:22 pm
Good job caring for yourself. I am really glad you did it for yourself and Hope.
May 25th, 2015 at 10:28 pm
Good for you!!! I am so proud of you for doing that! While my hubby was home for 12 days, I spent a lot of time just doing nothing! Like letting the arguing in the other room go until he noticed and did sometime about it. Unfortunately, I didn’t get any “me” time, but we got a full night out of couple time without the kids. You are doing so great and I look at how far you and Hope have come and it’s awesome! Glad you got some respite!
May 26th, 2015 at 2:28 pm
I’m so glad hubby is home! I’m glad you got to spend some time together and that you got a chance to just “do nothing!”
Hope and I have come so far. It’s really stunning when I have a chance to think about it. It’s easy to get mired when you’re tired and worn out though. Yes to respite.
May 25th, 2015 at 10:29 pm
As people who also provide respite care for foster children we know how important it is for parents to have down time. Time to recharge the batteries that are never quite full.
Hope needs you and you need to make sure you take care of yourself so that you can take care of her.
Good on you for taking a weekend off. So proud of you because it’s such a hard thing to do!
May 26th, 2015 at 2:24 pm
Thanks. I feel like I was fleeing! 🙂 But you are so right, respite is essential to good parenting. Hope used to hate when I went away, but she’s amenable because we get along so much better when we’ve both had a break.
May 25th, 2015 at 11:01 pm
Kudos to you for taking the time to do this. Bravo!
May 26th, 2015 at 2:23 pm
Thanks Nicky! And thanks for subscribing!
May 25th, 2015 at 11:36 pm
It kind of makes you see how people lose custody of their kids – single parenting more than one kid when you don’t have the resources must be impossible! You can do it because you planned and you are educated and mature and prepared (I know you might not always feel prepared ; ) but you are!). I can’t even imagine not planning before having children. It would be so overwhelming.
Having a partner is easier because you have someone to pick up the slack when you need a break, like if you’re sick. It’s kind of like those runs in distance training where you take turns leading to give others a chance to rest a bit. Everyone does the same amount of work but it helps to trade off.
May 26th, 2015 at 2:31 pm
Oh gosh, some days I feel like I’m just making it, but I’m so fortunate and blessed. I see how limited resources and a couple of poor decisions–not even super bad decisions, just poor ones–can set up a family to fall apart.
It’s hard! But it is doable. It also requires being more deliberate about respite and self care.
May 26th, 2015 at 2:07 pm
I’m so glad you could do this for yourself! Would camp be an option for her for summer? That would give you time out in your own home … provided she’s ready for something like that, of course.
May 26th, 2015 at 8:24 pm
Staying healthy is a key factor for remaining cheerful, lighthearted, and living longer.
May 27th, 2015 at 2:09 pm
Good for you! Drinking wine right out of the bottle is a “tell” that ish is cray! Glad you got some time to just be by yourself, clear your head, unwind, nap! Missing Hope (and her missign you ) is a good thing…and trust me…not necesarily easier with a partner. You end up taking on more because there are two of you…makes me wish we had a break coming up!