I have really been struggling lately. My anxiety is at an all-time high. I’m overwhelmed and often feel like I’m on the verge of tears even though I don’t think I am.
These feelings are all familiar. They represent my unfortunate friends, depression and anxiety. Sigh.
This is the fourth end of school year season I’ve gone through with Hope, and despite my best efforts it’s always miserable. I feel like I’m pulling a broken train down the tracks. I’m realizing that this spring/summer period of the year is when I am most vulnerable to depression and anxiety. It’s hard. I’m nagging, reminding, coaching, cheering, trying not to yell, blowing steam from my ears and baking a stress cake with absurd regularity, right through the last bit of school.
This year, it seems the odds are even higher. Other than band camp, Hope’s got several weeks where we still don’t know what the plan will be. The decision to go to summer school is coming down to the wire. The idea of Hope sitting around watching K-dramas on the couch—in my spot no less—causes me great anxiety. She needs a break, but she also needs to be busy because I fear that either there will be a butt sag in my couch and/or she will find some trouble to get into.
I am physiologically freaking the hell out, (lethargic, but disrupted sleep, up and down appetite) and I realized today it was time for an intervention, so I made an appointment for just that.
Last week Hope’s doctor and I decided to give her a bit of rope with her meds—let her go off of them for a while and see what happens. It has barely been a week and I’m a wreck. Her ability to follow directions with more than 2 steps is non-existent.
I. Cannot. Begin.To. Deal With. This!
So I’m going to my own doctor to see if I can get some help getting my physiological responses under control.
I’m exhausted, but just racing at the same time.
I’m looking forward to just taking care of my needs, getting some quality sleep and getting my emotions under control so that I can make sure that I’m trying to meet Hope’s needs.
So, I need some self-care. I do. I also need some meds…yeah, definitely, I need some meds.
And cake, I definitely need some cake