I have really been struggling lately. My anxiety is at an all-time high. I’m overwhelmed and often feel like I’m on the verge of tears even though I don’t think I am.
These feelings are all familiar. They represent my unfortunate friends, depression and anxiety. Sigh.
This is the fourth end of school year season I’ve gone through with Hope, and despite my best efforts it’s always miserable. I feel like I’m pulling a broken train down the tracks. I’m realizing that this spring/summer period of the year is when I am most vulnerable to depression and anxiety. It’s hard. I’m nagging, reminding, coaching, cheering, trying not to yell, blowing steam from my ears and baking a stress cake with absurd regularity, right through the last bit of school.
This year, it seems the odds are even higher. Other than band camp, Hope’s got several weeks where we still don’t know what the plan will be. The decision to go to summer school is coming down to the wire. The idea of Hope sitting around watching K-dramas on the couch—in my spot no less—causes me great anxiety. She needs a break, but she also needs to be busy because I fear that either there will be a butt sag in my couch and/or she will find some trouble to get into.
I am physiologically freaking the hell out, (lethargic, but disrupted sleep, up and down appetite) and I realized today it was time for an intervention, so I made an appointment for just that.
Last week Hope’s doctor and I decided to give her a bit of rope with her meds—let her go off of them for a while and see what happens. It has barely been a week and I’m a wreck. Her ability to follow directions with more than 2 steps is non-existent.
I. Cannot. Begin.To. Deal With. This!
So I’m going to my own doctor to see if I can get some help getting my physiological responses under control.
I’m exhausted, but just racing at the same time.
I’m looking forward to just taking care of my needs, getting some quality sleep and getting my emotions under control so that I can make sure that I’m trying to meet Hope’s needs.
So, I need some self-care. I do. I also need some meds…yeah, definitely, I need some meds.
And cake, I definitely need some cake
AdoptiveBlackMom 
June 19th, 2017 at 9:13 pm
Wow sorry to hear things are so crazy right now but good job looking after yourself a bit. Yes get the help where you need it and as I say to my own counselor sometimes it has to be “better living through chemistry”. Remember to breathe and pace yourself so Hope doesn’t feed off your anxiety. You got this the plan will come together. Oh and pass the cake would ya?!?!
June 19th, 2017 at 9:49 pm
Lemon buttercream!
June 25th, 2017 at 5:10 pm
I’m embracing the better living with chemistry myself these days. Please tell me it works because I am OUT of cake !!
June 25th, 2017 at 5:14 pm
Yes, it gets better.
Of course now we have bday cake. 😀
June 25th, 2017 at 5:23 pm
Birthday cake is the best kind! I just sent hubby out for pulled pork nachos and onion rings. Because we have a kid free night. Because we NEED it. But hey, if you wanna share some leftovers…
June 19th, 2017 at 11:04 pm
Much love to you. I’m glad you’re taking steps to self care. When I’m back in town, we definitely need a gym date. (Or a wine date, or a cake date, or a mani/pedi/whatever date.) I share your anxiety over uncertain summer scheduling! It will all work out. ❤️❤️❤️
June 19th, 2017 at 11:14 pm
Birthday cake always does it for me. What about Boys and Girls Club for Hope? Or a coding camp? Some of the coding camps are even online.
June 19th, 2017 at 11:19 pm
ABM – actual physical respite at a spa retreat…is that possible?
June 20th, 2017 at 5:08 am
I’ve got a work trip coming up that I think I’m going to tack on some spa time onto.
June 20th, 2017 at 8:18 am
Perfect.
June 20th, 2017 at 7:37 am
I’m having cake for breakfast. I feel you. That is all.
June 20th, 2017 at 10:33 am
Hugs to you, friend!
June 21st, 2017 at 8:50 pm
emailing you some hugs and cake.