We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile
And mouth with myriad subtleties,
Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.
We smile, but oh great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile,
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!
~~~Paul Laurence Dunbar
I used to have this poem hanging in my office as a reminder to visitors that sometimes we hide our feelings to just get through. As a diversity professional, I am constantly, intentionally exposing myself to emotional ish in order to help people move to the next level of inclusion. Consequently, I wear a mask.
This poem kept me up really late one night this week. I couldn’t get it off my mind because of something Hope said to me. Essentially, my daughter wears a mask.
She wears a mask to get through every day, and it exhausts her.
Hope is an amazing young woman, and there are days when I simply marvel at her. There are other days when I see the turmoil on her face, but the reality is that on most days, she’s really, really good at hiding it.
Having been a long-time depression sufferer, my own mask is worn as much as to protect me as it is to motivate me. My own intrinsic motivation wills me to get through things and wills me to just fake it and it will get better.
I recognize that most people wear their masks for everyone else’s benefit. Who wants to be around a person who is wearing their suffering? The self-protection mechanism is such that if you desperately want to be around people, you just try to keep it together and conform so that they won’t be put off by you. You drag out your mask and hide all the ish behind it.
I feel like Hope and I are in a battle for her life right now. I see her; I see her working so hard to keep it together. I see her fighting so hard to get to a place that doesn’t hurt so much. She does take her mask off with me; sometimes not all the way, but enough for me to know what’s lurking underneath.
On the one hand, I’m so relieved that Hope trusts me enough to lower her defenses, her shields, but on the real…I feel helpless. I feel like I’m doing everything I can, everything I can think of to help shepherd her to a healthier place, but it isn’t helping the way we need it to.
That helplessness has got me feeling like I must wear a mask too. I mean, who goes around sharing that their kid is just struggling to keep it together, which means that you’re struggling to keep it together too. Who wants to see your eyes after you’ve sat in the bathroom sobbing and urgently praying for 10 minutes because you know the path this could all go down? Who do you trust, besides other parents walking in these shoes, with this kinda thing because most folks Just. Don’t. Get. It.
So, you both put on your
oxygen masks in the morning and try to make it through another day.
I try to model authenticity for Hope. I try to use ‘good’ communication skills; I try to ask for what I need. I coach her to take care of herself. I encourage her to emote, to build solid friendships so that she has some peer support. I email the health professionals and the guidance counselors, even after Hope and I have decided on a course of action. I need allies to step into the gap to help her help herself.
This week has been a huge turning point for me. I have fought the good fight on trying to make sure that the homework has been done and that school stuff was a priority. School is such a core value for me; it’s social currency, especially for black folks. But, I’m done. It’s just not worth it. Hope doesn’t need the extra pressure, and neither do I. I’m fighting for my kid’s survival. School, while still important, can’t be central to that paradigm. Healing must be the sole focus. It has to be; our future depends on it.
And so, we’ll start this week differently. We’ll go back to basics. I’ll prioritize quality time. I’ll focus on more family care, not just self-care. I’ll ask about school, but not about the work. I’ll find another doctor who can help me chase down the right pharma-combo for her. I’ll lower my mask so I can always have a clear view of Hope and her mask.
Hopefully this will be the beginning of the end for Hope’s mask.
September 30th, 2017 at 3:33 pm
You’re making the right decision to prioritize family care over school. It sounds like Hope (and you) really need the care right now. Hugs. (And drinks if you want them!)
September 30th, 2017 at 8:37 pm
Sending you both love. I feel a combination of love, sorrow, dedication and fear in your words. And I know you’ve got this and I feel in my heart thag you and hope are going to be okay as you work through this together.
October 1st, 2017 at 12:23 am
I’m so moved by this. My daughter is only 6, but her struggle with school is already really real. I worry about how to help her meet her full potential…the road seems so long. I think of you and Hope so often, wishing you all the best.
October 2nd, 2017 at 9:19 pm
sending you and Hope hugs and prayers as you go through this hard time. It is so hard. Having you in her corner as her mom who loves her no matter what, will make a big difference.
October 3rd, 2017 at 10:18 am
You are right to re-examine and re-prioritize. Yes school is important but it can wait, there will be more time for that later. Get to a place where you and Hope can reconnect so she can see how to do what she needs to do with and without a mask. You got this and yes the struggle is super hard. Hang tough.
October 4th, 2017 at 2:15 pm
I feel this struggle so much. It sounds like you are making the right decision – she will always have time to make education a priority later in life (next week or in a few years), and survival and connection just have to come first. Not sure what she’s struggling with but you don’t have to know in order to make her feel supported, loved, and accepted unconditionally. Hugs to you mama! The hard times always come and go, and sometimes all you can do is ride it out…
October 11th, 2017 at 11:33 am
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