So I got started with a new therapist last month. Sadly she is not an Absurdly Hot Therapist like my and Hope’s family guy. But she is a nice, motherly/aunty-like, African American woman. She’s just what I need…for so many reasons, not the least of which is that she seems to be a good therapist.
It’s nice to have a super safe space to say the things I don’t dare utter anywhere else.
I’m still grieving the break with my old therapist. We’d been together for a really long time, so it was probably time for us to split anyway, and then there’s the fact that my insurance wouldn’t pay for my visits to him and paying out of pocket was getting kind of old. So, for the low co-pay of $10, I can see her as much as I like. I think I’ll call her Aunty Therapist.
So, Aunty Therapist told me that I need to keep a journal to lift the burden of the things I can’t talk about publicly, not even on the blog.
So, I got a new journal.
“Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together” ~~Liz Taylor
I bought fancy pens too. I like fancy pens a lot.
And I’m trying to figure out where to start. I used to journal all the time. I have decades worth of journals I’ve written over the years in my home. Provisions for them have even been made in my will. Decades of journaling and two years of blogging and I have no idea where to start.
Sigh.
I’m really, really struggling with Hope these days.
It really is exhausting; she is exhausting me.
I love my daughter, but every day I wonder what the hell I’m doing.
I’m just doing a lot of second guessing. And I’m plagued by all the emotions I typically write about. Low confidence, loneliness, anger, sadness, overwhelm…and so on. Sometimes the dark emotions feel and seem…unspeakable because they are just so awful. And then guilt about feeling any of it comes in to crush everything.
Confessing all this stuff in print is hard, but I suppose keeping it all in is harder. I know it doesn’t help.
So, I guess I’d better get to writing.
AdoptiveBlackMom 
May 16th, 2015 at 10:15 pm
I hope journaling helps you sort through some of the harder emotions you are facing. My cousellor wants me to do the same, but I’ve never kept any sort of journal, asides from this blog, and I just keep avoiding doing it. I really hope it does the trick for you!
May 18th, 2015 at 10:59 am
It does help to have somewhere to put that stuff. It kinda scares me to be honest…to see what I’m writing. Very painful, actually feeling worse in the short term. 😦 Going to give it a chance though. Thanks as always.
May 17th, 2015 at 10:23 am
It does seem so much worse on paper but it is not. They are feelings and we are entitled to each of them. You can do it though it is tough. You deserve to be validated for your experiences. I am glad you are taking care of yourself and hope that it works well for you.
May 18th, 2015 at 11:00 am
Thanks. Your last post–inspiring. It’s amazing what others see in us that we often can’t see in ourselves. You rock.
May 18th, 2015 at 10:47 am
I, like you, have dozens of jounals dating back to 3rd grade, when my 3rd grade teacher introduced journal writing to u…it’s never stopped. But i hear you on this “crap I can’t say out loud” stuff. My frustration with Mary sometimes, leads me to just grab my keys and get out of the house, before I get reckless. I’m so excited for her to be a teenager (NOT!). I hope things sort themselves out, and that writing (and then reading back) provides some clarity…
May 19th, 2015 at 1:21 pm
I love your new journal and that you’re still sharing the hard things of your life with us-it gives others hope when you’re real enough to say you don’t have it all together. Hugs and blessings to you:)