So as I wrestle with my emotions in trying to motivate Hope as well as provide her the support she needs to be successful, Absurdly Hot Therapist recently told me to really work on practicing “non-judgmental parenting.”
So after I finished laughing and thinking about how hot he is in his shawl collared therapist sweaters and cute colorful socks, I was like “Dude….”
Oh, don’t miss understand, I get it: Safe environment for Hope, protect Hope’s ego, support Hope, let her know I have reasonable expectations, but am totally cool with her working up to them…Yada, yada, yada.
Listen, I feel like I have the most amazing family in the universe. I also feel like despite our best efforts we can be a judgy bunch.
Like, PhD in judgy sometimes.
And oh, despite my best, dedicated, work hard efforts, I am soooooo a judging everything.
Oh yeah, it’s a problem, I know.
So, I’ve been working on it. My version of working on it looks like this:
“Don’t say anything because you might lose it.”
“Keep your pie hole shut.”
“Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.”
“Do NOT respond to that smart a$$ text message.”
“Nope, not falling for it, not gonna do it.”
“Get yourself a martini, like right now before you rip her head off.”
This, this is my internal monologue.
We were in to see our primary care physician for double appointments today; I was shocked that my blood pressure was normal. I swore it would be through the roof. I would’ve bet the farm on it.
Seriously, I’d like to just get my mouth wired shut for the next year or two, then I wouldn’t have to worry about my mouth popping off when Hope said/did something unbelievable.
I’m honestly not sure how people survive this. I feel like all this new fan-dangled parenting might just kill me. My parents see me interact with Hope and this, this is the face they give me.
You see, I try not to judge Hope and I feel even more judged.
Ain’t that some ish?
Now, I am not justifying my continued judgment of my daughter, but seriously, this feels like a no win situation for me, no way out. It is crushing my spirit right now.
Oh and my tongue has a bunch of chew marks on it from me biting it so hard.
I am staying the course though. I am working on letting Hope just fall into the natural consequences of doing or not doing whatever it is she’s supposed to do. She fed me a bunch of BS today about why she can’t/won’t do something to bring a grade up from a 28 to a 60.
I’ve bent over backwards like a yogi.
Her teacher has bent over backwards on a mat beside me.
I finally just told the teacher to let that grade ride; seriously, why are we killing ourselves? We care about her, but we understand and know how to work these algebra problems. She’s the one who has an opportunity to raise her grade.
The choice, ultimately, just has to be hers.
I wish that letting it ride really gave me peace. It doesn’t. I am still scared for her, but I’m going to take a big step back and try to just breathe, let her breathe and let the chips fall.
I still might need to get my jaw wired shut, though. I’m wayyyyyy too hot tempered to keep repeating all the mantras.