It’s weeks like this when I really have to sit back, take stock and remind myself that these problems are “normal folk” problems.
No sooner than I hit “post” on my “Hey, I’m living the dream with this whole family thing,” than we are careering into a one-sided fight.
I say one-sided because it’s increasingly clear that I’m the only one openly emoting and visibly reacting.
We still struggle with chores and motivation to do chores. Most of the month, Hope had done her chores, earned money and just relished in all that responsibility that she was displaying. And then she just stopped.
We went through this a few months ago—May to be exact. After I dramatically pulled the car over into a parking lot while I was wigging out on her, demanding to know what she couldn’t be bothered to do her chores, she told me very simply.
“I just don’t feel like it.”
Say what now?
I did not take this response well. In fact I told her that I didn’t feel like doing things like taking her places that she was supposed to go or to do things that she wanted to do, and I didn’t. Oh I was petty, and I have no shame.
Well several days of no chores meant chaos in the house; this chaos also included an infestation.
Saying I was furious…is a super understatement.
Then there were the limousine expectations re her band schedule.
Then the expectation of a new band jacket because she changed instruments.
And then…the unnecessary, dramatic and dramatically expensive medical appointment that was “out of network.”
And then…
And then…
And then…
And then I was cranky for the rest of the week. Seriously, most of this is just regular old dumb teen stuff. There *may* be tinges of adoption/trauma/childhood drama running through, but really, this is largely just dumb ish teens do.
Somehow that does not soothe my serious annoyance. It just doesn’t.
Sometimes I do wonder if when we have good blocks of time whether it prompts behavior to bring back big emotional responses from me since that’s a communication style she understands, even if she doesn’t like it. We’ve experienced that kind of self-sabotage before. It is hard to know.
And although I have gotten much better at managing my reactions to Hope’s shenanigans, she still knows what buttons to push to get a rise out of me.
Soooo, I dunno, I know it’s just an icky week. I’m glad that school starts again next week and we can get back to our routine. And I am glad that I’ve worked out hard enough to earn my evening cocktail.
AdoptiveBlackMom 
August 31st, 2016 at 5:50 pm
Have 2 cocktails!
August 31st, 2016 at 5:54 pm
Might need to walk another mile or two…
August 31st, 2016 at 5:55 pm
Whatever it takes!
August 31st, 2016 at 9:31 pm
Uggg..hang in their you got this. Breathe you can do it.
August 31st, 2016 at 10:46 pm
I often vasilate between feeling confident and feeling incapable. One day I’m all “I got this, everything’s going to be okay!” and the next day I’m overwhelmed and depressed and don’t know how I’ll get through it.
“Regular teenage stuff” is freaking hard.
September 1st, 2016 at 9:53 am
Girl bye, ok! Mary’s response to not having brushed her teeth and washed her face last week, while she had crust caked all over it, and we had to go to an evaluation in order to finalize her adoption. The ish is, I had asked her before we left if she had taken care of all that stuff and her response was, “Yes mama!” So, I’ll own my petty right hereand say that I FLIPPED. Her response when I asked her why she lied to me, “Because I didn’t feel like it!” Umm, ‘scuse the eff outta me?!? Yeah, ok, the same way that i don’t FEEL like (insert a list of 20000 things here). And really, i remember being little and just not doing shit because I legit didn’t feel like it. At least I lied about it though! LOL! BUt, I have to keep reminding myself that as annoying as it is, all this ish is temporary. Annoying as hell, but (hopefully) finite. You keep doing the damn thing ABM, even though sometimes, ugh, it’s a pain in the ass!
September 1st, 2016 at 10:58 am
Girl, I wasn’t allowed to “not feel like it.” #Nope. I *wish* I would have told my parents I ain’t feel like doing something they told me to do…I would not be here to tell the story–#realtalk. WE are doing the thing! Can’t wait to have you on the show soon! 🙂
September 1st, 2016 at 11:30 am
I STILL can’t say “um, i don’t feel like it!” to my mother….LORDT!!!!! My behind is stinging just thinking about it!
September 1st, 2016 at 3:07 pm
LOL…this conversation between you and NonBellyMama. This was an interesting point – “Sometimes I do wonder if when we have good blocks of time whether it prompts behavior to bring back big emotional responses from me since that’s a communication style she understands, even if she doesn’t like it.” That’s probably very real. Maybe absurbly hot therapist has some thoughts. 🙂
September 2nd, 2016 at 4:10 pm
Hey – at least you got to chillax for a week or so while everything was wonderful, so when this craziness started back up again you were refreshed and strong, right? Right!
That business of sabotaging when things feel too good to be true … it’s real. I do it every single damn time I start losing weight on a diet, and every time I finally get my act together with regard to keeping up with finances, chores, deadlines, whatever – and I’m in my 50s. When you’re used to chaos, calm can feel scary – you get to feeling that you’re teetering on a balance beam just hoping you don’t fall one side or the other, and suddenly it’s easier just to jump off the damn thing. What you have to remember, though, is that each time you get back onto the balance beam, it’s easier to get up there, and you’re further along than you were, and you can stay on it a bit longer the next time. Calm slowly becomes a habit.
Okay, that’s my bit of philosophy for today… 🙂 Hang in there, ABM. You’re getting there, and your girl is getting there with you! Oh – and by the way, this grandma is a firm believer in “Be done by as you did” as the other half of “Do as you would be done by”. If the Girl Child didn’t tidy her room, I wouldn’t go inside it to read her a bedtime story – etc. (It didn’t have to be perfect, I just didn’t like tripping over stuff.) So when she doesn’t feel like doing what you want, it seems entirely reasonable that you might feel like sitting down with a good book rather than taking her places.
September 2nd, 2016 at 4:14 pm
So right, it is sometimes hard to remember that chaos is still her friend sometimes. But we are getting better at this family thing. It’s about the long game! 🙂
Yeah, just had to read her the riot act again about just doing what’s expected which is minimal…found hummus all over my floor this morning because Yappy found an open container in her room. #rage Sigh! Good book and a cocktail in the afternoon…
September 2nd, 2016 at 4:44 pm
My six year old told hubs “Mommy stopped for wine at the store. When we whine she gets to have her wine.”
September 2nd, 2016 at 5:24 pm
Ha!
September 4th, 2016 at 9:43 pm
You are living the life I have been living for the past 10.5 years. I haven’t read all of your post yet but yours seem mild compared to mind… if that makes sense..HAHA…People keep saying hang in there..but it is easier said then done
November 21st, 2016 at 10:03 pm
I love your honesty in your blog posts – A lot of the trauma parent blogs hide the raw emotion that comes with the territory of this special type of parenting… I love that you talk about the bad days and the good, the mistakes you make as well as the times you rock this parenting gig.