I am not patient…like at all. Parenting has changed a lot of that since Hope and I can’t exactly exist in my angry, petty place forever while I’m waiting for her.
Ok, that’s a lie, we hang out in my angry, petty place quite a bit. The truth is that I seethe sometimes because I’m constantly waiting for her. I’m waiting for hair, makeup (which takes an unholy amount of time), for her to put on her shoes, pack her backpack, walk down the hall, go to the bathroom. It’s not even like she’s snail-like, it’s the million ways in which she becomes distracted and derails off to something else.
It’s maddening at times. I try to just keep my mouth shut since I’ve beeotched about it so much.
Doing a lot of this research lately has really helped me understand that she really can’t help the distractions. Her struggles are maddening to her too. I’m learning how she has internalized her struggles and my nagging. I’m learning how deeply she hurts just from operating so differently in this world.
I get it.
And I am choosing to be more gentle with her. I am choosing to show her grace. I am choosing to practice patience.
I’m focusing on saying positive things to her, even and especially when I’m correcting her.
It’s not easy and I can already see her pushing the boundaries to try to punk me. She remains unsuccessful, as evidenced by her being cold busted on the regular and losing some of her privileges.
And so things in the house are calmer. I’d like to think this is progress. I’m not as stressed out. I imagine that me not going crazy over a bunch of things has reduced her stress level too. I hope so.
I have moved a lot of cheese pieces recently to try to bring in extra help for us. She was resistant at first, but I think she realizes that I’m doing it because I’m trying to help her and not hurt her. Her softening gives me hope that she will be increasingly receptive.
For once, I’m willingly trying to practice patience in order to keep the peace and create a sanctuary. Time will tell if this space will truly evolve into something more tranquil for us or if we will just continue to do engage in these ridiculous battles.
I just want us both to feel good about ourselves and each other.