Remember when I realized at the end of summer that we kinda hate school because of some of Hope’s challenges?
Yep, still hate it.
I thought that her counselor and I were on the same page in terms of what was in Hope’s best interest. Apparently, I was mistaken.
Hope does not like one of her teachers and has used this as an excuse to underperform.
After lots of back and forth with Hope and the school, I refused to offer Hope the opportunity to change teachers. I needed to see her apply herself, and knowing that she had a chance to get what she wanted would only cause manipulative behavior. After seeing her perform, we could all reevaluate whether a different teacher would be an appropriate move for her.
I know my kid. I know her.
I may have only known her for 3 years this month, by I know Hope.
Hope’s defiance typically comes in the form of showing me how badly she can perform rather than how well she can do the same. Although she hurts herself, she knows that her underperformance hurts me—it makes me worry for her, be a little stressed out, sometimes be angry at her willingness to self-sacrifice.
It took me awhile to figure this out.
I used to not believe in oppositional defiance, generally speaking, in some ways I still do. I think it’s a bunch of baloney in terms of a diagnosis. I was allowed to be openly defiant; the thought of behaving in such a way with my parents back in the day is just a completely foreign concept to me. I can’t wrap my head around it.
And yet, this defiance is supposed to be a thing. I’m supposed to give Hope lots of choices to help manage the defiance. Yeah, ok.
Of course, I know when Hope can handle choices and when she cannot. Often choices are hugely problematic for her.
So, anyhoo, new counselor lady meets with Hope and completely undermines the decision that I made about not switching teachers.
“Hope, sure we can talk about switching teachers; let’s make an appointment; there are 3 other classes you can be switched to.”
Thanks, lady, thanks a lot.
And once again, I get to be the bigger bad guy.
So, now, we’re looking at grades that are just not reflective of Hope’s capabilities with or without accommodations. For Hope, these grades are proof that it’s not working out with her teacher.
For me, they are reflective of self-sabotaging, manipulative behavior designed to get her way and use the naïve school counselor to get it.
Sigh. Just great.
So, I send off a terse email to the counselor about how she got played and how my kid is in the dog house.
I am clear with Hope’s school and with Hope that educational decisions are made by me, unless there is definitive evidence that my say should be overridden. I’m furious that I laid that ground work, and it was all destroyed during one meeting, and here we are with the first quarter jacked.
And Hope has created a legitimate appearing argument for getting her way and irritating me as a bonus.
I don’t care as much about Hope making honor roll these days, but I do know what she’s capable of and what her academically weakness are and how they manifest.
I hate that my knowledge of my daughter’s behaviors and capabilities weren’t treated as “expertise.” I hate that despite having 20 years of educational experience and an advanced degree in education that my knowledge of my kid or relevant content was discounted.
What’s the point of having some forms of privilege if I can’t leverage them? Isn’t that what privilege is about anyway?
With so many parents having to advocate for their kids, I see why it feels like we are rarely on the same team with our children’s educators. For adoptive parents, I could see how the “adoptive” part could be used to undermine what we know about our children throughout our advocacy efforts.
I see how we are marginalized.
I’m so angry.
Why didn’t the counselor listen to me?
Why was it so hard to just listen to me and work with me to help my daughter be successful? I mean, we’re supposed to be on the same team right?
Why didn’t she listen to me? Why didn’t she trust that I know? Why did she undermine me?
I’m guessing that parents by birth go through this too, this feeling that their experiences as parents are devalued by educators as they advocate for their children.
I am pissed that I feel like I have to back down to that school next week and give them what for.
I’m pissed that my daughter has dug herself in an effort to manipulate her way into getting what she wants.
I hate setbacks.
I hate setbacks even when I learn from them; I always wish that learning didn’t require some form of suffering on this journey.
I hate setbacks that could be avoided if folks just listened and trusted me and my approach to parenting.
This is one of those few times when I have no doubts and no second guessing about my approach to this parenting issue. I knew and continue to know what needed to happen.
But it ends up just being another case of when they didn’t listen.