Before I even get into this post, I anticipate that it will be a hot mess of rants, rambles, emotional meltdowns and frustrations. It might resonate with your own hot mess of feelings. It might be just the thing you shouldn’t be reading if you are one of those cheery, obsessively positive people. So…gauge yourselves accordingly.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about trauma during this pandemic.
I’ve also been thinking about coping.
I feel like I’m experiencing a lot of the former and not doing terribly well on the latter.
Two weeks ago tomorrow I began experiencing COVID-19 symptoms. For a week I dealt with irritating but mild symptoms. I was tired a lot, but unless there was a dramatic change in symptoms, I knew would be fine.
I turned the corner last weekend and physically felt great, despite still not having much of an appetite, all week. I dove back into work, which frankly is insane right now. Work has stressed me out, pissed me off, triggered so much anxiety, cursing and just full-blown emotional meltdowns that I just wash my face, put on my pjs and get in my bed shortly after I close my laptop. #depressionmuch?
And then, yesterday afternoon the sore throat returned. By 9pm I was coughing again and by 11pm my anxiety was in full bloom which only made me feel worse. I have no idea what this means other than abject terror about what’s next on this journey. I do know it probably means that my quarantine will get extended when I was so close to breaking free. I mean, I was just going to go to the Target, but still.
I’m a bit of a mess and overcome by constant waves of emotion.
Grief is a big one. I just keep cycling through the stages, sometimes even daily. Despite being externally low key these days, inside I’m at a level 10 just about 24/7. I’m probably tired from resisting the urge to populate every sentence I utter out loud with multiple f-bombs.
The quarantine has been especially challenging. I don’t always have the energy to connect outside of work hours with anyone—so no virtual happy hours these two weeks. Hope is hit or miss with her caretaking and engagement—she is ensconced in her room and only comes out for food or bio breaks. She will go to the store. She finally unpacked the rest of her college stuff from the car after I quietly, through gritted teeth raged that I’ve been asking her to do this for WEEKS. Yappy seems terrified to walk with her now. She grabs the leash and he runs to hide under the bed; I know there’s a story there. This has meant that despite my quarantine, I have had to suit up and take Yappy out ever so often to alleviate his anxiety and make sure he gets the opportunity to poop.
Cooking still falls to me.
Cleaning still falls to me.
I’m overwhelmed by everything and underwhelmed by the world’s response. I took off today because I was going to snap if I had to participate in one more Zoom call that should have been an email. I’m tired of expectations that I always be on camera. I’m tired that there isn’t a real, authentic acknowledgement that this ish is traumatic, and not just regular traumatic like “Do you remember where you were on 9-11?” No, this is like the year 2020 seems to be a never-ending cluster-f*ck…the whole gotdamn year. Yesterday I got up and took a walk (via YT video) because a series of back and forth emails in which I insisted that I could not help with a project (a boundary) resulted in a final passive aggressive email from my colleague. This was before 10am.
I’m over it.
I’m not motivated to do much of anything but find new cocktails to craft (I’ll be trying a Matcha Mule today). I bought yarn, I have downloaded patterns. I can’t even get myself to cast on stitches or to think about a project and I usually find knitting to be incredibly soothing. I have watched very little of the trending shows and movies everyone is writing about. I keep watching Law and Order, a couple of animal shows, and other stuff I’ve seen a million times. I just long to know what’s already coming—so I rewatch stuff I’ve already watched.
I’m a mess and I know it. I don’t even know how not to be a mess right now. I’m sad, mad, worried, sick, sick and tired, frustrated, confined, bored yet overextended at work and the thing that is seriously effing me up the most?
Some folks are trying to normalize this experience. This shit is not normal. And while I understand that it is the “new normal” and that normal as we once knew it is gone; I’m grieving *my* normal hard right now, so stop reframing this shit. I am not hearing it right now. STFU.
I’m beyond miserable, and there’s levels to my misery.
And then I feel guilty because, in the grand scheme of things I’m fine, Hope and Yappy are fine. My family is safe, sound and fine. There are so many people who are economically devastated in the midst of the mind f*ck this all is. I’m not experiencing that, thankfully, but I can’t even imagine having that burden too. It reminds me of the privilege I have despite everything.
So, yeah, just add woke guilt on top of the emotional dumpster fire that I am right now.
So this chilly Friday morning, I’m going to make me some coffee, put some Baileys in it, cut off several chunks of the bread I made yesterday, get in my favorite spot on the couch and sulk while watching L&O marathons on various channels and filling in with back episodes on Hulu for hours when I can’t find a broadcast episode. I will call my doctor to discuss the reappearance of symptoms and what it means for my quarantine, testing and over all health. I will snooze my work accounts—no I will not hop on your zoom for a few minutes. Let me lone!
Today will be for self-care in the form of tv watching, wallowing, carb loading, cannabis consumption and trying to get my mind right. I might even order takeout on a *Friday* (Thursday is takeout day at Casa d’ABM).
How are y’all?
AdoptiveBlackMom 
April 17th, 2020 at 9:41 am
Hugs. This situation is not normal just because it’s affecting everyone. It may be the current norm but it is NOT normal! I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much right now. I hope a day of wallowing in it helps; it sounds like exactly what you need right now.
Erica
April 17th, 2020 at 10:10 am
Thank you. I’m hoping 3 days of this will get me together.
April 17th, 2020 at 10:38 am
Can I add–and this comes from experience with a friend who’s been through it–that there’s an emotional side to Covid-19. Not for everyone, but for some people who get it. Don’t give yourself a hard time about it. This is just how it is right now.
April 17th, 2020 at 11:12 am
It had not occurred to me that there could be a psychosomatic side of this thing. My telemedicine appointment is in 15 minutes; I’ll be adding this to my list of things to discuss.
April 17th, 2020 at 11:47 am
Not psychosomatic, or at least not as in the sense of being caused by the mind. Very much physical, or body-to-mind. For some people it’s extreme: disorientation, fear, paranoia. Yours, mercifully, sounds far milder.
April 17th, 2020 at 11:56 am
Ahhh, I meant–somatic. No, it’s real. The foggy brain, the dizzy spells, insomnia…It’s all real and my doc is like, yeah, all of that is real and a part of the virus. It’s bizarre, but very real. Sigh…Mercifully yes, mild. I can’t imagine what this would be like for folks with much more severe symptoms. It’s so scary.
April 17th, 2020 at 9:51 am
These times are a roller coaster of emotions without being sick so I cannot imagine the balancing act you are experiencing. Rest assured, though, you are not alone — not that it helps I realize. I signed up for an online class, “Writers in the Pandemic” and to read and express these pent up emotions has been healing for me. I wish you well and I hope you will continue to come here and write as you feel up to it. You are heard. I feel witness to all you have shared here. Bless you.
April 17th, 2020 at 10:14 am
Thank you. I would like to write more, but just don’t really have the energy or wherewithal. I’m hoping a few days of wallowing helps me right myself for the next week.
April 17th, 2020 at 11:12 am
I understand. Hang in there.
April 17th, 2020 at 10:15 am
Pajamas, takeout and rewatching episodes of my favorite show (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) are the definition of comfort for me. Go ahead. You deserve it. I’ve gone on “strike” before as a mom. Everyone eventually figured it all out. This is a tough situation and I think you’re doing really well considering what you’re going through. I’m sending long distance hugs your way. It’s ok to melt down. It’s ok to take a day off. It’s ok to give yourself permission to be a mess.
April 17th, 2020 at 10:31 am
Thank you. Strike–yes, that’s it.
How are *you* and your fam doing? I’ve been worried about you guys too! ❤
April 17th, 2020 at 5:31 pm
We are all hanging in there as best we can. I imagine that’s what everyone has to do right now.
April 17th, 2020 at 10:20 am
I am right there with you. Do what YOU need to do to get through. Yep I have seen every single episode of my favorites but forget it I need to hear something other than kids fighting. Yep Bailey’s in coffee every now and again is fine. Last night I had Kaluha and milk so no judgement coming from me. Take a hot shower, try to calm your thoughts if you can to stop your own mind racing. Hope will be all right but she needs to see you taking care of yourself so she can learn it to.
April 17th, 2020 at 10:33 am
The kids…I know they need to see us coping so they learn how. I’m also certain to see coping being modeled she needs to come out of her room. Ha! I’ll probably stumble onto my yoga mat at some point today because that requires me to quiet my mind.
Yes to the Kaluha and milk. ❤ I hope you and girls are doing well this week. Thank you!
April 17th, 2020 at 11:06 am
And I say that anyone who knows what day of the f-ing week it is deserves to be rewarded with takeout!!
Erica
April 17th, 2020 at 12:36 pm
big hugs to you. Please don’t feel guilty for having a hard time. There is ALWAYS someone having a harder time than you, in any situation, but that doesn’t invalidate the fact that you are having a hard time. Tell work you are sick and not going to be working from home until you are better.
Hope is fed, sheltered and safe. So snuggle down into those jammies and watch all the Law and Order you want to.
April 17th, 2020 at 3:09 pm
RIGHT THERE WITH YOU. Literally losing my shit. With two little kids at home and a full-time job (which I am of course grateful to have), I feel like every single day is Monday and we’re riding a broken carousel and can’t get off.
April 17th, 2020 at 5:44 pm
Yeah, we really want off this ride. 😒
April 17th, 2020 at 5:51 pm
I saw your blog from a friend’s site. I feel all your feelings. Had a telemedical appointment this morning for the first time. I know my doc was trying to be of comfort when she said there are many out there feeling my panic. So the world is a basket case right now.
This roller coaster is hell. These feeling suck. I think you are pretty much feeling all the things many of us are. Tired of being exhausted at doing nothing. Tired of trying to find joy but there is none right now. Tired of being paniced about so much in the world as well as my home. Tired of being anxious for my grand teens in their house not coping well and I can’t do anything to help. My head hurts as well as my heart.
Glad you have some moments of diversion. Mine is HGTV. No plot, no thought, just mindless noise.
G-d bless you as you move through this. Stay safe with good health.
April 17th, 2020 at 6:19 pm
Thank you so much & welcome!❤
April 17th, 2020 at 11:25 pm
Listen up. YOU ARE SICK. When you are sick you do NOT go to the office. EVEN IF IT WANTS TO COME ON ZOOM TO YOU. You do not do extra work. You stay home and heal, you do not do career work.
Your job obligation is only to get better, to heal.
With this disease that is a huge job.
That you walk the dog and cook food is amazing overload.
The rest can go hang it’s self like it would if (heaven’s forbid) you didn’t recover. YOU ARE BLOODY DAMN ILL AND YOU NEED to sit in whatever you want, eat what you choose, watch tv or movies or the sky outside the window. REST and HEAL.
PLEASE.
Tell Hope what you can do and that that is all you can do. MODEL taking care of you for her. You need to really get better in case Hope gets sick too. (Heavens forbid that also please.) Show the world that it is ok for a woman to care for and about her own health.
Besides, I am a selfish old woman and I need you to beat this and be healthy and keep posting and sharing and teaching and …… just getting me through what looks like one long slog of isolation. I need to hear you are recovering.
Please be super kind and good to you. PLEASE HEAL. Take your time and let your body recover. (and update us, because we worry about you.)
April 18th, 2020 at 6:08 am
Thank you. I needed this verbal smack, seriously I needed it. I am sick, and frankly its hard to come to terms with it. You turn on the news and its all about COVID, and you’re like, ish I got it, and all the news is bad. It’s hard.
I did decide that I will be taking a few days to just rest, rather than taking pride in slogging through. I’m not very good at that so I often need the smack down to get me to do it. I have 1 obligation this week that I don’t want to cancel, but I’ll had already decided to clear most of my calendar, because you are absolutely right. I’m sick and need to sit my virtual arse down.
Thank you. ❤ I really needed this comment.
April 18th, 2020 at 1:07 pm
Thank you for your kindness in your response to me. I am so very worried for you I came across all MOM (you are younger than my youngest child) and you might have been angry & defensive.
MOST OF ALL; thank you for putting your recovery as a priority. I so much need you as a example of self-care and women being important. Women need to allow themselves to rest & heal when we are sick. Culturally we have not been raised to do that. We think of others before ourselves. Now is time to put on our own oxygen masks so we can keep breathing long enough to put masks on those we love. YOU ARE SO IMPORTANT TO THE WORLD. Keep yourself here.
Please share what you learn as you go through this. That you got initially sick, improved, tried to push normal too soon, AND RELAPSED even sicker is scary important news to be shared & learned from. This sucker will be around for a long time. You need to save your life and, in doing so, you will save many of the rest of us.
Huge loves and appreciation.
April 19th, 2020 at 8:06 pm
I realize you might not have the space, or this might be too gross, but have you thought about an indoor artificial grass toilet for Yappy? If your quarantine is extended, this might make things easier.
April 19th, 2020 at 8:38 pm
Hey thanks! I had one for my last dog. Yappy is very particular, annoyingly so. We have walking help, thankfully!