Tag Archives: Add Water & Stir Podcast

Thinking about Blackness and the News

Ugh oh, micro think pieces on Blackness…I’m swamped on travel this week and don’t get to see what’s going on in the world until the 30 minutes before my evening meeting starts. In the interest of decompressing I tipped over to the national and entertainment news rather than getting updates on Ebola and Isis. So, yeah, these are random, in no order of importance.

Raven-Symone rejects the labels African American and Gay. Oprah was right in saying that Black social media would bust a gut. Folks had already got in their feelings last year when she subtly came of out the closet after the DOMA ruling and said, great now she could get married. Black folks, my people, were up in arms!

“Little Olivia is gay?”

Sigh. Who cares? I mean really. I don’t care if she chooses to reject labels. These are incredibly personal decisions. I think a part of our psyche is constantly trying on identities and figuring out what and who we are and how we fit in the universe. Granted Raven is grown, but when I was a kid I decided I wanted to be Marie Osmond. Um, yeah, my parents had Afros and sideburns and picks with fists on them, and here I was trying on the identity of like the Whitest White girl in the universe at the time.

Black heresy.  Maybe Hope was right to snatch my membership card.

I also recruited some little boy, renamed him Donnie and dragged him around like a rag doll prop. At least he was White, so it probably wasn’t as traumatic for his family.

My point is, I do see Raven as a woman of color who subtly came out. She tends to lead a fairly private life for a public figure. I’m not offended that she’s turned in her Black card. For some it seems that it is a rejection of herself; it’s not. She’s just constructed a practical identity for herself that eschews a bunch of stuff that may be core to what we think is Black racial identity and/or sexuality

I have this saying in my on-ground life, ”She ain’t paying my bills, so carry on.”

Let that girl live her life.

A Black foster son was mistaken for a burglar in his own damn house. This story hit news waves in the last 24 hours and you can peep the HuffPost article through the link. Mimi and I talked about this on the “What’s Going On?” episode of the Add Water and Stir.

This story infuriates me. It hurts me so. I can’t imagine what went through the young man’s mind and heart. I can’t imagine what his parents thought.

It’s dangerous to be young and Black. There. I. Said. It.#yesidid

It’s a miracle that they didn’t shoot DeShawn Currie down in his own house. Mess. Foolish mess.

The article describes his parents as being upset by the “insult of the incident.” #understatement Article author Jessica Dickerson could use a swift kick, as far as I’m concerned. The incident wasn’t just insulting; it really speaks to the legitimate fear that parents of kids of color experience. Insult and fear are not synonyms; sure they could coexist, and I can get all huffy in my righteous indignation about being insulted, but fear? Oh that’s a whole different psycho-socio-biological response that may include me hiding under my bed while praying that me and my kid survive whatever misguided, bigoted activity is going on.

What is going on indeed…smh.

I finally caught an episode of Blackish. Hey, I take my co-host’s, Mimi, recommendations. It’s taken me a minute but I finally caught the pilot of Blackish on ABC.com last night.

Ha! I like it. I look forward to seeing where they take it. There are some intriguing notes about it—Grandpa Lawrence Fishburn is playing the stereotype fussy grandpa who critiques how the kids are being raised and whether they know their Black history. There’s the kids who are trying to fit into their environment, which apparently doesn’t feature many other Black kids. There’s the bi-racial mom who, I guess is going to occasionally get Black carded. And finally there’s the dad who’s trying to break a glass ceiling while still keeping it “real” and living authentically. I think it’s got potential, and I look forward to catching up over the next few days. It was a nice TV follow up after the last episode of Add Water—Black and Bougie. You can definitely see how folks are trying to navigate the perceived struggle of the Black middle class.

I’ll be watching.

 

 


AWAS 008: Black and Bougie

Adoption is often characterized as an activity of the privileged class: it is seen as wildly expensive and dominated by middle to upper middle class families who are overwhelmingly White. This characterization isn’t always true. Adoption doesn’t have to be expensive; regular working class folks adopt and certainly people of color adopt.

That said, often it appears that Black families who adopt are solidly middle class. Such realities bring many expectations about parenting related to social circles, educational choices and spending habits. Being Black and “bougie” (see UrbanDictionary definition 2) while adopting poses an interesting set of questions for new parents. Join ComplicatedMelodi’s Mimi and AdoptiveBlackMom’s ABM as we chat about being Black, adopting and first world problems during this week’s episode of Add Water and Stir!

As usual, the dynamic duo will Wine Down with some reality TV and offer their recommendations on good finds!

Catch us live on Google+ on Thursday, October 1 at 10pm EST/9pm CST, on YouTube and on our podcast page a few days later.


Episode 5 of Add Water is Live!

The Podcast!

The Podcast!

The latest episode of Add Water and Stir, Take Your Time, We’ll Wait, is live!

Last week Mimi of Complicated Melodi and I welcomed relative new comer Future Adopter from A Sista’s Guide to Adoption to talk all about all the waiting involved in the adoption process.  The episode includes lots of good stuff about length of wait times, emotions associated with waiting and how folks keep themselves busy until their bundles of joy arrive.

In the Wine Down (which I’m thinking we totally need to trademark and during which my homies had me drinking alone this week—the horror!), we ladies dish about Love and Hip Hop:ATL couple Wacka Flocka and Tammy’s fertility issues, Kim K-Dash’s whimsical desire to adopt a Thai tween while vacationing, and the latest on Married at First Sight.  As usual, we wrap up with our recommendations for the week!

Peep us on:

Towards the end of the podcast, poor Future Adopter experienced a power outage that ended her connection.  Don’t worry I’m sure we’ll have her back on the show at a later time to see how she’s progressing through the adoption process!  We are happy she was able to join us last week!  🙂

And yes, my recommendations actually included “grease,” aka Blue Magic this week.  This naturalista’s hair likes it; nay, it LOVES it!  What can I say, petroleum and mineral oil are my friends. #shrug #dowhatsrightforyourhair #itsalsocheap

Blue Magic Conditioner Hair Dress, 12 oz.

This image is for Mimi!


Take Your Time, We’ll Wait – Add Water and Stir!

The Podcast!

The Podcast!

Join us for the next episode of Add Water and Stir with Mimi from ComplicatedMelodi and ABM from AdoptiveBlackMom on Thursday, August 20 on Google+ at 10pm EST/9pm CST! As usual we’ll be catching up on life and talking shop. This will be a special episode of Add Water as we feature our very first guest, Future Adopter! Be sure to peep her blog, A Sista’s Guide to Adoption and find out how she’s doing as she preps to dive into the adoption process.

On Thursday we will talk about all the waiting that takes place throughout the adoption process. You wait until the “right” time; you wait to get the paperwork done; you wait for the home study and licensing. You wait during the matching process. It just seems like you are waiting for ever! Mimi, ABM and Future Adopter will chat about the emotions, things we did and are doing to keep our sanity throughout the process.

And of course we’ll also talk about pop culture in our wrap up segment playfully named “The Wine Down” by Future Adopter (Yeah, we’re keeping that FA!).

Don’t forget to Tweet us (@mimicomplex and @adoptiveblkmom) at #addwater and #TreatYoSelf!

RSVP to join us live!

Podcasts are available on YouTube and on our podcast page!


Add Water Episode 4 is Live!

In the latest episode of Add Water and Stir, Mimi and ABM discuss the matching process. Preparing and completing the matching process requires serious contemplation about your parenting aspirations.  Mimi and ABM explain some of the intricacies of the matching process and how your matching tool might be interpreted based on whether you’re fostering to adopt or moving straight to adoption.  The Add Water hosts also explore the emotional challenges involved with matching.  Everything hinges on that match!

ABM and Mimi wrap up the podcast with a hilarious chat about Married at First Sight, the new show on FYI.  You need this show in your life, so check it out.  According to Mimi, you may also need bacon flavored sunflower seeds and some Oyin handmade hair products!  #TreatYoSelf.

Show Notes:

Recommendations:

  • #TreatYoSelf – Tweet how you are prioritizing your self care with the podcast hashtag #AddWater and we’ll read them on the next podcast!
  • Bigs Sizzlin’ Bacon Sunflower Seeds – found at your local corner store/bodega but Amazon will deliver directly to your house.  You know you want to order these!
  • Oyin Handmade Hair Products – oyinhandmade.com

And We Survived

In all my pre-trip fretting about a near week away from Hope, I did have some concerns for The Furry One, who was recently diagnosed with some serious brain issues. Turns out that Hope was fine, and The Furry One came completely unhinged. My poor, furry, first born was scared out of his mind (he’s also nearly blind and deaf) and no amount of sedatives seemed to knock him out for the count. He came home a shadow of himself, prompting our family vet to have an “end of life” conversation with me as we discussed whether he had what it takes to bounce back. At nearly 15, I’m not sure. I know we have entered the final chapter; I just don’t know how long that chapter will read. I’m nursing him this weekend, remembering all of our years together and teaching Hope the value of life and dignity and how we’re all worthy of kindness, compassion, love and snuggles. She’s also learning that when you’re old and sick you get just about anything you want—The Furry One noshed on a deboned pork chop last night and pizza crusts tonight..

Throughout this week, all kinds of things—good and challenging—have transpired. Here’s a list of things I learned without too much elaboration.

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How we behave with our early tween/teen crushes is right out of the Disney-Young and the Restless text book. The things I’ve heard come out of my daughter’s mouth this week are things that a Disney princess with a daytime TV habit would say. I think when we’re crushing we just emulate ish we’ve seen on TV. Gawd, I’m glad I’m grown and have my own script with my own words now.

Sleep is healing. The Furry One is currently sedated with some good stuff. He needs to heal and sleeping pretty much around the clock is essential to the bounce back. We all need more sleep and more rest. It’s healing. Find a way to get that rest. #TreatYoSelf #iwishicouldborrowhisdrugs

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Despite needing more sleep, I will sacrifice sleep for cookies and wine. This is becoming a nightly ritual. On the last podcast I mentioned that I’d made cookie dough in anticipation of my return home from the recent business trip. I didn’t get my couple of days of “Me” time, but I’m having my nightly cookies and wine—even if I have to stay up later to do it. #TreatYoSelf

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It’s true—have looser reigns at first and you’ll be able to tighten up the house rules later. I know firsthand that it’s hard to believe that not “laying down the law” with older adoptive kids will lead to all kinds of mayhem, but honestly the trust isn’t there to respect all the rules at first. Here we are 6 months in, and I’ve earned the right to have firm rules about stuff in our home. I can “lay down the law” with no issues these days. It works.

The presence of trust allows for healthy purging. We purged closets and drawers today. We did it on the fly and I told Hope the rules—1) you have 15 minutes to purge, 2) if you hesitate toss the item in a secondary pile and come back to it, but keep moving, 3) if there’s a strong emotional attachment it’s ok to keep it and revisit that attachment at the next purge session, 4) itemize, bag and donate immediately. She purged a bag of things—including things that she brought here. She was relieved not to be expected to get rid of things that held emotional connections. Hope enjoyed making room for school shopping and taking account of what she owns. She trusted me and the purging process. We actually had fun.

Hope’s self-esteem is on the come up! Yay! If you don’t read Mollytopia, you should—gosh she’s funny as all heck. This week, she wrote a post called, Make the Game Your Bitch, all about developing her and her daughter’s positive self-image. Well, I played the game with Hope today. I sucked, but Hope? Hope rattled off her three things she loved about her insides and outsides so quickly that I am jealous. It made me proud of her and how far she’s come. She still will claim that she’s “bad” at least once a week, but to know that she sees her body, mind and heart as lovingly as I do made me happy. Go Hope!

Have I mentioned that I’m happy? No really; I know it all isn’t over but I believe the worst, the roughest part of our journey is over. We’ve survived!

Grown up time is essential. I missed Hope and The Furry One while I was away last week, but keeping my own schedule was priceless. I actually took time to put on the good make up and do my hair in more than a puff, piled on top of my head (which is becoming my summer of 2014 standard—I’m lazy, what can I say?). I even wore a couple of new dresses. I worked my fanny off, but I also took time to skip a few receptions, order room service, and cool my heels taking care of me-ABM the grown up, not just ABM the mom. Good stuff. #TreatYoSelf

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There’s more, but right now, I’m going to sip on this tempranillo and these cookies and finish watching Law and Order: Criminal Intent before I scoop up The [passed out] Furry One and take him to my room so I can watch him sleep.


Crumbling Towers of Strength

Don’t forget to log on and catch the next episode of Add Water and Stir on Thursday, July 24 at 10pm EST/9pm CST!

This episode is called Crumbling Towers of Strength. Mimi from the blog ComplicatedMelodi and I will be talking about the “Strong Black (or any other color for that matter) Woman” complex that keeps women from practicing critical self-care until it is too late. This complex is centered around the fallacies that we don’t need help, we don’t do therapy for ourselves and the absurd need to prove that we are strong and have it all under control.

Um…yeah, we do need help; we should do therapy and we really don’t have anything to prove, especially when things might be spiraling out of control. We need to break down some real talk about self-care and adoption.

We’re also going to explore acute situations in which kids are introduced to the foster care system and how these episodes may disproportionately impact families of color and/or poor-low income families.  We’re talking about incidents like: “Mom Jailed Because She Let Her 9-Year Old Daughter Play in the Park Unsupervised.” #maybeitreallyiscomplicated

We’ll wrap up with some goofy chatter on pop culture, because, well we think about other more mindless stuff too, and we can’t always focus on the tough stuff.

Join us on Google+ on Thursday night! Click the graphic to RSVP!

The Podcast!

The Podcast!


About the Tea

The latest episode of Add Water and Stir is available!  Hey we made it to two episodes!!!  Woot, Woot!

addwater3

In this second episode called, About the Tea: Reading the Data Leaves and Spilling Adoption Tea, ComplicatedMelodi (Mimi) and I chat about recent parenting developments including acquiescing to super sweet grandparents and the emotional upheaval associated with the emergence of biological family. Show highlights include data from the recent US Census Bureau report, Adopted Children and Stepchildren: 2010, telling folks that you are adopting and defining “normal” in adoptive families.

You can find us on YouTube:

Google+: Add Water and Stir with ABM and Mimi

On our podcast page: Add Water and Stir

Shout out to a watcher who let me know my brows were nice!  Seeing as I haven’t had them done in like 8 weeks because of business, I needed that! Ha!

If you have some suggestions for future topics, comment below, hit me up on Twitter or send an email!


Podcasts and Vacations, Oh My!

Ahhhh, with some distractions in my life (vacation and the emergence of the bio family), I have neglected to blog about the Add Water and Stir podcast!
Yes, Mimi from ComplicatedMelodi and I made like Kool and the Gang and “got down on it” with our inaugural podcast last week. The description? BAM:

This is the inaugural episode of Add Water and Stir, a new podcast devoted to exploring adoption in communities of color.  Hosts AdoptiveBlackMom (ABM) and ComplicatedMelodi (Mimi) share how they came to be adoptive parents, and they delve into how their adoption stories differ from the mainstream adoption conversation.  Show highlights include receiving the child’s disclosure records, “passing” in same race adoptive families and the shade associated with parenting children of trauma.

Mimi says a write purty. She’s very kind.

Anyhoo, if you want to kill some time and check us out over the US holiday week/weekend, you can find us in these streets on YouTube:

On the podcast page:

addwater3

Click me to reach the page!

Or at the actual podcast location for Episode 1.

http://traffic.libsyn.com/addwaterandstir/AWAS_001.mp3

We’re podcasting live every two weeks, be sure to check us out on July 10 at 10pm EST/9pm CST.

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In other news…

Hope and I are vacationing in Florida this week, enjoying the joy that is humidity and messy thunderstorms. We visited the Magic Kingdom yesterday which was plagued by a massive deluge as we arrived. After shelling out a couple of hundred bucks to get in, another $20 for obnoxious ponchos I was ready to make the best of the day and make some magic happen.

Hope wanted to wallow in self-pity.

“Woe is me.” “Whenever I want to do something it never works out.” “The world is against me.” “God doesn’t like me.”

Ok, so like Michelle Obama, there’s one thing I don’t do well, and it’s this: wallowing.  No ma’am. I allow moments of wallowing self-pity, but they are moments. I collect myself and move on. Hope LIVES at an emotional address called 1234 Self-Pity Street, The Universe Revolves Around Me, VA; USA. It drives me nuts and is a total buzz killer. #icant I know that so much has happened and not happened in her life that it has created this address for her, but I do not live there.

So, I told her she got one pass for wallowing, but that was it because I know the rain was disappointing.  But wasn’t the end of the world. We were at Disney, dammit. Pretend to be happy, put some positive energy in the universe and live in the moment. #powerofpositivethinking #thesecret

During the next mini storm, Hope went in hard on the wallowing. And I lost my shiz. What I wasn’t fitting to do was listen to misery all day after spending a grip to get here when we could still have a good time. I read her the riot act about killing the vibe, refusing to have fun and getting on an emotional plane back to Self-Pity Street.

I also threatened to leave. Oh, but I did.  I threatened to pull the plug on that giant mouse trap and didn’t blink about it either.

Now if you’ve never been to Disney World, you should know that it’s incredibly hard to stalk off in a huff after threatening to leave when you need to walk a mile to the monorail and then catch a tram to your parking lot. I mean you need a serious, “you pissed me off and we’re leaving” face for at least 40 minutes. But Hope also knows that while I am responsible and serious about money, I don’t fret over money that has already left my wallet, so if we needed to leave after dropping a grip to get up in Disney, then stalk on the monorail and tram I would… with a resting b*tch face I would. And there would be no stopping at any gift shops on the way out. #noearsforyou #herfacetho

Then I made like Elsa and went all Frozen for 30 minutes. I quietly went, with her in tow, to get something to eat, checked the FastPass situation for the cancelled rides, and sat on a bench while I got myself together and gave her time to get herself together to. Then we went on It’s a Small World After All. And all was again right with the world. We had a great time with no more drama. She got her ears and her dog Pluto and had a great, great time.

Negative talk is a big problem for Hope, and one that I’m constantly working on with her. It may sound harsh, but she has a flair for the dramatic so I have to go in hard with her. I’m proud of her for choosing to enjoy Disney.

In Hope’s family news, I checked in with all those family members who contacted her, let them know that their friend requests were denied, messages erased, they’ve been privacy blocked from her page and that they needed to come through me if they want to eventually have contact with Hope. I would determine when and how that would happen. So far the response has been respectful and understanding, but I can’t help not trusting them. We’ll see where things go, and I hope that one day Hope and her family will have a good relationship, but for now I’m going to keep tight reins on this situation.

Well, back to sunning myself with Hope and the friends we’re visiting. Peace out!


K E Garland

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