Tag Archives: Adoption Lessons Learned

September 22, 2014

Fantasies Reconsidered

I’ve wanted to write a lot lately but couldn’t focus on just one topic, hence my recent series of lists. The lists have given me more extended time to just reflect on lots of emotions, lots of surprises and lots of hopes and dreams for Hope, for me and for us. This time has also lead to some harder reality checks that I think I want to share about adoption and my personal journey.

_________

Hope’s fantasy life does not include ever needing to meet me. Recently, Hope and I got to joking about what our fantasies were about life. She asked me lots of questions and some of my answers made her giggle by their level of outrageousness. I quickly turned the tables and asked her about her fantasy life. I just wasn’t thinking and we fell into a bit of a dark space.

Hope took a moment and told me that she wished her father was around and that they lived happily ever after. I wasn’t in the scenario. Why would I be? If the fantasy were true, even modestly, there was no need for my existence in her life. The moment she mentioned her father I knew I wasn’t a part of the fantasy; I even respected it. But I felt some kind of way about it. It hurt even if I didn’t admit it or show it.

We recovered easily, but it was a reminder to me that she might love me but life should’ve been different for her.

I’m guessing that dealing with the bio-family is the Holy Homeboy’s epic way of teaching me patience and grace. My tank is really almost always on E with some of these folks. I normally do not respond to what feels like their routine invasions. Truth be told it’s primarily one person who has a serious problem with boundaries who irks my nerves to high heaven. But every week folks seem to just turn up. If it’s not this one family member it’s someone else trying to friend me on Facebook. Hope has no idea that I play whackamole with her family on a regular basis, and I hope to keep it that way for a while. She really doesn’t have much for her bio-family in the way of words and her emotions carry waves of anger. So I click ok on the friend requests, put them on my containment list and move on to the next one.

I’m in limbo at my church and it’s causing me some angst. Seriously, there is no shortage of faith-based patience challenges around these parts. I’ve requested the opportunity to dedicate Hope to God as a part of my commitment to raise her in a home of believers—like a baby dedication. But clearly Hope is 13 so a baby dedication isn’t quite right, but this isn’t something that takes the place of a baptism. Hope will make her own decision about being baptized. There are lots of discussions to be had and a decision should come soon.

Who knew, right? Glad I wasn’t called to tie her up and toss her on top of an altar and hope for a ram.

But I’m still waiting for a ram. The desire to dedicate her is a strong unexplained desire that feels right. I guess we’ll see what the Holy Homeboy has in store here.

I’m wondering if anyone else feels weirdly calm in the midst of an anxiety swirl? I resume my fall travel schedule this week. Hope is kind of anxious and so am I. But we’re also really, really calm and low key about it. It’s weird. We talk about what’s scary about it. We’ve got great help with the nannies and family support. The schedule is on lock and we know what it supposed to happen. And so there’s a strong faith that we will be just fine. And that calm sits in the midst of a lot of other emotions about my need to travel. We are in a really different place than we were months ago. We’ve got a plan. We’ve done it before, and there were no epic disasters. So, we’ll be fine right? Yeah. We’ll be fine.

_________

So it’s time for another week of great adventures! In other news, if you want to follow my exploits or just engage me in semi-real time, I’ve finally set up a Facebook page: Adoptive Black Mom. I’ll hang out there, post some things and think about new lenses to apply to this journey with Hope.

3 Comments | tags: adoption, Adoption Lessons, Adoption Lessons Learned, Adoptive Single Moms, African American Adoption, African American Parenting, African American Single Adoptive Mom, Finalization Life, Lessons Learned | posted in Finalization Life, Lessons Learned

September 17, 2014

I Hope – Part 3

By AdoptiveBlackMom

I hope:

That the universe takes care of the kids who exploit Hope’s (and kids like Hope) vulnerabilities.
That we can continue filling the holes in her life.
That I can find more empathy in engaging Hope’s extended bio-family.
That I can get through some more parenting books, taking what I need, discarding what I think is dumb ish.
That relationships in my life which have been strained during this process are restored.
That my circle of adoption champions continues to grow.
That I concretely learn the difference between what Hope can really handle and what she’s just lazy about, ie what’s really trauma related vs. what’s just typical teen related crap.
That somehow we can reconcile the past, present and future.
That we continue to reflect on this journey.
That I can get my eyebrows done more often so that my brow lady doesn’t shame me and chastise me about my brow and pedicure related neglectfulness (Really, who gets shamed at the nail salon? Totally kinda bummed #TreatYoSelf night, smh Yeah, I’m bitter.).
That I do better at turning to exercise rather than food for stress management.
That I free myself from crazy parenting expectations.
That I feel freed from the perceived critical eyes that see me and Hope strangely because of all that’s going on beneath the surface of our lives.
That Hope excels in the percussion classes because I secretly (I guess not so secretly) have dreams of riding in the back of her tour bus during my retirement.
That one day I’ll go visit Cordoba, Spain to see this mosque that I saw in a picture during an art history class 20 years ago.
That I hug Hope more, touching heals.
That we are ready for me to resume my job’s travel requirements—we’ve got the reinforcements and next week kicks it off.
That God grants me more oodles of patience in navigating the black and white world view of the teenager.
That I continue to be able to meaningfully answer Hope’s questions about Ray and Janay Rice and Adrian Peterson, while holding it together as she reminisces about her life.
That Hope continues to learn that there’s a whole world out there for her to live, breathe and experience.

Leave a comment | tags: adoption, Adoption Blogs, Adoption Lessons, Adoption Lessons Learned, Adoption Surprises, African American Adoption, African American Parenting, African American Single Adoptive Mom | posted in Dealing with the Past, Finalization Life, Lessons Learned

September 16, 2014

I Hope – Part 2

By AdoptiveBlackMom

I hope:

That Hope is able to reconcile all of her different “Black folk” experiences that cut across race and culture into one cohesive racial identity with which she is comfortable.
That her distrust of institutional systems lessens.
That she continues to feel comfortable telling me things.
That I get the hang of this teenage parenting thing.
That Hope is able to really develop a mission and vision for her life.
That I’m able to live up to my mission and execute my vision for my life.
That she stops going through a bottle of shower gel every week.
That she remains excited about her natural hair and becomes excited about her cocoa brown skin.
That she knows that I don’t care who she comes to love as long as they treat her right—you know like 57 years from now.
That Amazon begins selling legitimate chastity belts (I kinda kid, but really don’t Google this…seriously, don’t do it…smh).
That I can continue to have frank honest conversations with her about sex, domestic and child abuse and other topics that I thought would make my head explode but didn’t.
That I can get the donated bike spiffed up so Hope can go for the bike ride she’s been begging me about for months.
That more brown faces end up on the posters on the walls—just a bit of diversity please and thank you.
That our church embraces my desire to dedicate her at 13—charting new territory here.
That Hope’s ongoing theological questions and interest in church activities seals her accompanying interest in baptism.
That we manage to keep Jay and Bey Crabber (yeah, the crabs are named after the Carters…) alive for a significant amount of time—so far so good.
That Hope continues to reach milestones missed during some chaotic years.

2 Comments | tags: adoption, Adoption Blogs, Adoption Lessons, Adoption Lessons Learned, Adoption Surprises, African American Adoption, African American Parenting, African American Single Adoptive Mom | posted in Dealing with the Past, Finalization Life, Lessons Learned

September 14, 2014

I Hope – Part 1

By AdoptiveBlackMom

I hope:

That the trauma monsters stop chasing us.
That Hope is freed from her fears of the past.
That we are freed from depression.
That our hot tempers cool with time.
That our patience grows.
That Hope grows up to be confident, self-assured and well adjusted.
That the next round of music lessons aren’t audibly painful.
That Hope grows to like some kind of physical activity.
That one day I won’t be shocked by all the movies that have adoption sub-themes.
That I will feel caught up with work, life and parenting one day.
That bio-aunt stops sending me chain emails…boundaries, people, boundaries. #icant #noreally #icant
I’ll get back to hitting happy hour with some some frequency in the next 5 years.
That I’ll be ready for another fur baby next year sometime.
That I can pull off a trip abroad next spring for us.
That one day I won’t have to ask if the bed has been made or the room has been tidied.
That one day she won’t be afraid of so many things.
That one day I’ll have a husband.
That I am able to model healthy relationships for Hope.
That her math skills will improve.
That we continue to have therapeutic breakthroughs.
That I won’t have to hide my favorite food forever.
That I find a spirit of sharing.
That my faith continues to grow.
That I can meet my first weight loss goal by year’s end.

7 Comments | tags: adoption, Adoption Blogs, Adoption Lessons, Adoption Lessons Learned, Adoption Surprises, African American Adoption, African American Parenting, African American Single Adoptive Mom | posted in Dealing with the Past, Finalization Life, Lessons Learned

September 14, 2014

I Marvel – Part 4

By AdoptiveBlackMom

I marvel:

That Hope talks all through the movies, asking me questions as though I know what is going to happen next.
At how many movies have adoption sub-themes.
At how easily she will talk about all that she’s lost.
At how hard it is for Hope to have a positive view of the world.
At how she has segregated people by race and behavior in ways that upset me.
At how she has parlayed what she’s seen in terms of relationships into some really effed up views on gender roles and behaviors.
At how deep grief goes.
That she eventually comes clean with all her shenanigans.
That we have deep moments where we really talk.
That I can tell when she’s got a new crush (so friggin obvious).
That we have the most amazing and hilarious girl talk moments.
That I’m getting better at problem solving.
That I finally did volume production of frozen crockpot meals (this development was overdue).
That now that a spate of anger has passed the more affordable eye glass frames at Costco look appealing to her.
That we’re *still* talking about the teen foolishness that went down last month (it’s really a crucible for us).
That she’s into a groove with the nannies.
At how joy and pain can still reside so closely.
At how much I miss The Furry One.
At how I’ve kept the new hermit crabs- Beyonce and Jay-Z Crabbers alive for almost 3 weeks.
At how I dropped a couple of pounds this week.
At how this squat challenge I’m doing isn’t so bad now that I’m halfway through it.
At the stuff I still need to get Hope to prep for the winter weather.
At how excited I am to prep for fall break and spring break next year.
At how excited I am to start planning our trip to Bougieville (Martha’s Vineyard) next summer.
At how a tiny bit of weekend rest can cure some of what ails you.

1 Comment | tags: adoption, Adoption Blogs, Adoption Lessons, Adoption Lessons Learned, Adoption Surprises, African American Adoption, African American Parenting, African American Single Adoptive Mom | posted in Dealing with the Past, Finalization Life, Lessons Learned

September 12, 2014

I Marvel – Part 3

By AdoptiveBlackMom

I marvel:

That I still sometimes take her anger personally.
That I haven’t duct taped the door to her room shut when it’s dirty.
When we cycle through dark periods; they always surprise me.
That Hope has embraced a sense of middle class kid entitlement so quickly <side eye>.
At how kind and generous she can be even as she pushes me away.
At how many triggers to rages and shut downs there are.
At how exhausted such episodes make me.
At how my reactions to the rages and shut downs have changed.
At how many times in one day I can say “I don’t know.”
That my reasons for saying “I don’t know “ range from not really knowing to praying the exhausting conversation ends soon.
At how hard single parenting can be.
That I appreciate the lack of need to consult on parental decision making.
That I can’t seem to get to bed before 11pm because I need to wind down a bit after Hope goes to bed.
At how all of a sudden Hope isn’t mad that I signed her up for drama activities during her free periods.
At how she has come to enjoy our church.
At how she is finally interested in going to the church youth group.
At how she wants to volunteer.
At how many food wrappers I recently found under her bed.
At how I still hide my special foods.
At how rough the transition from being a singleton to a single mom is.
At how different this experience is than I imagined.

September 11, 2014

I Marvel – Part 2

By AdoptiveBlackMom

I marvel:

That 13 years ago, today on 9/11, I know exactly where I was and what I was doing for an entire 24 hour period, but what was going on in Hope’s life at 3 months old is a complete mystery.
At how Hope has evolved from exclusively wearing jeans and tees to leggings, tunics and *gasp* the occasional dress.
That we both have heard The Furry One’s barks, nails clicking on the floor and have seen his shadow since he passed away. We only both admitted it and had a good cry this week. (Yep, we are believers!)
At how routines make drama lessen and even disappear.
At how not reacting to drama somestimes helps to lessen it.
That Hope loves Absurdly Hot Therapist now.
That my Hope is such a boss at surviving.
That Hope is more resilient than me.
At how fortunate we are to have locked in two great part time nannies. Both have day jobs as child therapists and one is pursuing a PhD in child psych with emphasis in PTSD. Can we say #jackpot?
That I don’t hear stories that start with, “When I was 8…” as much anymore; Hope is moving past her trauma.
That my new Fitbit says I am getting 100% sleep efficiency. Clearly the thing is a piece of crap…#notreally
At how my faith has grown this year.
At the dumb ish 13 year olds are want to do.
That I fell in love this year.

September 10, 2014

I Marvel – Part 1

By AdoptiveBlackMom

I marvel:

At how it’s been about a year since Hope even knew I existed and how now she wouldn’t dream of calling me anything but “Momma.”
That I finished my dissertation on time.
At how quickly she bounces back from a setback now.
At how our conflicts have changed.
That she can accept some responsibility for her behaviors now.
At how effective hypnotherapy can be.
At how we have defied the first psychiatrist’s horrible predictions about Hope’s prognosis.
That I have found my inner momma bear.
That despite adopting an older child I got to briefly experience some aspects of younger child rearing because we needed to address some developmental delays.
At how each month brings a new developmental challenge that we muddle through.
At how marginalized she has felt because of race, class, family status.
At how dismissive she has become of members of her biological family.
That I haven’t taken every electronic away for more extended periods because they prevent personal engagement and hinder emotional development.
That she doesn’t want me at the bus stop at all anymore.

2 Comments | tags: adoption, Adoption Blogs, Adoption Lessons Learned, Adoption Stories, Adoption Success, African American Adoption, African American Parenting, African American Single Adoptive Mom | posted in Finalization Life, Lessons Learned

September 7, 2014

One Week of School Down

By AdoptiveBlackMom

In the grand scheme of things we managed the first week of school pretty well. Hope decided I didn’t need to walk her to the bus stop anymore, freeing me up to enjoy my coffee alone in the mornings for 10-15 minutes. She started practicing her saxophone again and after the first hour it started to sound kind of like music again. I managed to keep one of the new hermit crabs alive—having trouble keeping things humid enough. We did have a bit of a run in at least once a day. I’ve had good engagement with some key teachers.

Yeah, by most standards, it was successful week. But I still feel like crap physically and emotionally. I’ve been suffering from ragweed allergies and asthma and it’s made me a bit of a grouch.

Today we’re in the braiding salon getting her hair done for picture day. So with hours of waiting, I have time to reflect more deeply on the week and all that’s happened.

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Boundary issues have resurfaced. I had nanny night a few nights ago; it was a nice night out and as usual I came home in a good mood. As I opened the door Hope and the nanny were playing with “Piggy,” The Furry One’s favorite toy and now my most treasured artifact from his years with me.

I sleep with Piggy and she has not left my room since the dog’s death. Now here was Hope and the nanny playing with her, which meant 1) Hope had been in my room (forbidden without permission) and 2) she was playing with something so important to me that I immediately had to hold back tears.

I’m not sure what upset me more, her going into my room or the tossing around of a sacred item. I later realized that The Furry One’s ashes had also been disturbed on the shelf.

I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.

I asked the nanny to give me a minute while I asked Hope about all of this privately. She felt justified since she had already broken the room rule by going to get some of my nail polish. She thought the nanny should see the dog toy. The nanny has been with us all summer; she’s seen Piggy before.

We had a brief, calm chat about respecting my room, my things and The Furry One, even in death. As usual she was so resistant that I had to explain that I felt like she might feel if I took out and played with her most sacred item that she has from her father. I respect that item and its location in her room greatly. I’ve never even touched it except for when I unpacked it with her things when she was placed with me.

Afterwards I had to check the nanny who allowed all kinds of rule breaking. No bueno for either of them.

Apologies accepted. Hope actually apologized to me one morning this week. We’d had a bit of a tangle the night before that resulted in me nearly not twisting her hair for the night. I nearly threw in the towel, I was so furious. The next morning we did our morning routine in silence. I thought to myself, this will blow over by dinner time after work and school. As she was about to leave for school, she turned and looked at me and said, “I’m sorry for raising my voice last night.”

Wow. Ok, I can work with this.

I hugged her, told her I accepted her apology and to have a good day at school.

The ability to apologize is not something she had before. I imagine it might be rare to see it even moving forward for a while, but wow is it a lovely development.

Messiness is next to “getting on my nerves-ness.” Hope’s room is an utter disaster. Now I understand that some of that is common for this age, but I guess I’m a bigger clean freak than I appear to be. At some point I just feel like I can’t live like that. Yesterday she decided she was going to do a puzzle on her floor, she didn’t finish so now there are pieces everywhere. Pieces are sticking to your feet as you walk by. Shoes, dirty clothes…just mess. She has not done her chores since midweek. This is the second week in which Friday/Saturday chores haven’t been completed. I end up doing these chores late at night because they just have to be done.

I know that there must be some reason for her lazy messiness, but other than just lazy, teen messiness I haven’t figured it out yet. But a day or two more that room in its present and ever declining state, and it might make me gag as I walk by. Ick.

I really am prioritizing my health. A lot has happened this summer, and I am genuinely concerned about my own emotional health. I’m just cranky all the time and it’s getting old. My emotional eating has gotten really out of hand and the scale….oh the scale. I usually do a fall wardrobe refresher, but I would need to go up a size (in addition to financing the upgrades) and I utterly refuse to go up a size. It’s offensive. I’ve got my annual physical coming up, and I’m convinced that when I go for my bloodwork this week that a sugary, fatty red substance will seep from my veins. A week later, I’m anticipating a lecture that I really am not trying to hear.

Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!

I can’t hear you, Dr. Chuck…I can’t hear you.

Lalalalalalalalalala!

Yes, I know I’ve gained weight. Yes, I know my cholesterol is higher. Yes, I know my A1-C levels are probably up too. Yes, I know I’m not getting enough sleep or exercise. Yes, I know my blood pressure is up—I know this one is coming.

And your point is?

Boy bye!

So, anyhoo, I’m really going to set some achievable goals and get my fanny to work.

And I’m going to do it for me. Hope will be the secondary beneficiary to my working on getting my health together.

Next week scares me. I’ve been wrestling with a lot of trust issues with Hope lately. I swear every time I turn around we are having to have a conversation about deceitfulness or boundary breaking or some other hot-arse mess thing she’s done. The trip thing is that she honestly believes that she will get away with this foolishness. Either she believes it or she’s a fantastic actor in the art of appearing shocked that she got caught.

Now this bucket of behavior is probably tied to some need to test me to see if I’m really checking up or if I’m going to overreact or just normal 13 year old foolishness or some nasty combo of all of it. I don’t know; I’m starting to find that I don’t care what’s causing it. I’d just like a few weeks of sanity in the house. I’m hoping that the routine of school helps us get back to a sane existence. A girl can hope.

Next week scares me though because it will be the first full week of school; the burdens of homework will hit. The saxophone practices will need to start in earnest. The need to be productive will increase. I hope that Hope will thrive, but I don’t know that she will. I know she can, but I just don’t know that she will. She’s been on a tech blackout as of late because of some dumb ish she’s done. That will end later this week. She will get some things back but not everything. She will also have access to a new chromebook for her homework. I have blocked access to so many things and the rule will be that she has to use it in a common area, like right up under my left butt cheek (not that my cheeks are necessarily”common areas”).

Given her recent track record, I don’t know that she can handle access to anything, but I guess I’ll see what lessons she’s learned and give her a bit of rope.

It’s sad that I don’t trust her. I also realize that my recently diminished trust has contributed to my grumpiness. It’s disappointment feeding the grumpy; I know that. I hope that she will make some different choices in the next week.

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So that’s it. I’m hopeful about the week, even if I’m nervous, even if I’m still bearing scars from last week. I know she’s doing ok; she’s clothed, fed, rested and loved. She now can apologize; that’s a big deal. I’ll cling to that for now.

Leave a comment | tags: adoption, Adoption and Parenting, Adoption Blogs, Adoption Lessons Learned, African American Adoption, African American Single Adoptive Mom, Back to School, Lessons Learned, Parenting Teens, Single Adoptive Mom | posted in Finalization Life, Lessons Learned

August 3, 2014

And We Survived

By AdoptiveBlackMom

In all my pre-trip fretting about a near week away from Hope, I did have some concerns for The Furry One, who was recently diagnosed with some serious brain issues. Turns out that Hope was fine, and The Furry One came completely unhinged. My poor, furry, first born was scared out of his mind (he’s also nearly blind and deaf) and no amount of sedatives seemed to knock him out for the count. He came home a shadow of himself, prompting our family vet to have an “end of life” conversation with me as we discussed whether he had what it takes to bounce back. At nearly 15, I’m not sure. I know we have entered the final chapter; I just don’t know how long that chapter will read. I’m nursing him this weekend, remembering all of our years together and teaching Hope the value of life and dignity and how we’re all worthy of kindness, compassion, love and snuggles. She’s also learning that when you’re old and sick you get just about anything you want—The Furry One noshed on a deboned pork chop last night and pizza crusts tonight..

Throughout this week, all kinds of things—good and challenging—have transpired. Here’s a list of things I learned without too much elaboration.

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How we behave with our early tween/teen crushes is right out of the Disney-Young and the Restless text book. The things I’ve heard come out of my daughter’s mouth this week are things that a Disney princess with a daytime TV habit would say. I think when we’re crushing we just emulate ish we’ve seen on TV. Gawd, I’m glad I’m grown and have my own script with my own words now.

Sleep is healing. The Furry One is currently sedated with some good stuff. He needs to heal and sleeping pretty much around the clock is essential to the bounce back. We all need more sleep and more rest. It’s healing. Find a way to get that rest. #TreatYoSelf #iwishicouldborrowhisdrugs

Despite needing more sleep, I will sacrifice sleep for cookies and wine. This is becoming a nightly ritual. On the last podcast I mentioned that I’d made cookie dough in anticipation of my return home from the recent business trip. I didn’t get my couple of days of “Me” time, but I’m having my nightly cookies and wine—even if I have to stay up later to do it. #TreatYoSelf

It’s true—have looser reigns at first and you’ll be able to tighten up the house rules later. I know firsthand that it’s hard to believe that not “laying down the law” with older adoptive kids will lead to all kinds of mayhem, but honestly the trust isn’t there to respect all the rules at first. Here we are 6 months in, and I’ve earned the right to have firm rules about stuff in our home. I can “lay down the law” with no issues these days. It works.

The presence of trust allows for healthy purging. We purged closets and drawers today. We did it on the fly and I told Hope the rules—1) you have 15 minutes to purge, 2) if you hesitate toss the item in a secondary pile and come back to it, but keep moving, 3) if there’s a strong emotional attachment it’s ok to keep it and revisit that attachment at the next purge session, 4) itemize, bag and donate immediately. She purged a bag of things—including things that she brought here. She was relieved not to be expected to get rid of things that held emotional connections. Hope enjoyed making room for school shopping and taking account of what she owns. She trusted me and the purging process. We actually had fun.

Hope’s self-esteem is on the come up! Yay! If you don’t read Mollytopia, you should—gosh she’s funny as all heck. This week, she wrote a post called, Make the Game Your Bitch, all about developing her and her daughter’s positive self-image. Well, I played the game with Hope today. I sucked, but Hope? Hope rattled off her three things she loved about her insides and outsides so quickly that I am jealous. It made me proud of her and how far she’s come. She still will claim that she’s “bad” at least once a week, but to know that she sees her body, mind and heart as lovingly as I do made me happy. Go Hope!

Have I mentioned that I’m happy? No really; I know it all isn’t over but I believe the worst, the roughest part of our journey is over. We’ve survived!

Grown up time is essential. I missed Hope and The Furry One while I was away last week, but keeping my own schedule was priceless. I actually took time to put on the good make up and do my hair in more than a puff, piled on top of my head (which is becoming my summer of 2014 standard—I’m lazy, what can I say?). I even wore a couple of new dresses. I worked my fanny off, but I also took time to skip a few receptions, order room service, and cool my heels taking care of me-ABM the grown up, not just ABM the mom. Good stuff. #TreatYoSelf

______

There’s more, but right now, I’m going to sip on this tempranillo and these cookies and finish watching Law and Order: Criminal Intent before I scoop up The [passed out] Furry One and take him to my room so I can watch him sleep.

4 Comments | tags: #TreatYoSelf, Add Water & Stir Podcast, adoption, Adoption Lessons, Adoption Lessons Learned, Adoption Stories, African American Adoption, African American Parenting, Parenting Lessons | posted in Lessons Learned

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