Tag Archives: Adoption and Parenting

January 16, 2024

Happy New Year, Kinda

By AdoptiveBlackMom

Has it really been that long?

I really meant to write, but my professional world got pretty crazy after my last post.

The Middle East war started, I was trying to hire a new staff person and there countless other mini dramas to contend with. All of that stressed me out more than I realized. More on that in a minute.

Hope continues to grow. While there are a number of things I wish she would make different choices about, I’m realizing those things will happen. The girl has got good values and cares about humanity. She’s a good person, which should always be the goal, right?

I did that.

And I know these other things I hope for her will come in time.

She’s working, paying her bills and embracing the balance of independence and reliance she has with me. I feel like we turned another corner.

I cook more these days to try to help her out. She loves to eat out and order food. I was falling back into cooking for myself after all these years. Paying bills and ordering food don’t necessarily go together long term. And I want some yummy but healthier options available.

Side note: she ate the breakfast hot pockets I made this weekend after saying she probably wouldn’t eat them a few days ago. I figured she would.

Anyhoo, she’s doing really well. It’s not going the way I planned it hoped, but do have a front row seat to watch.

As for me, I’ve been sick for a month. 🙄

I took off several weeks during the holidays to rest and refresh. Instead, I battled shingles in my face, eye and inner ear. Painful, scarring, and I also had a bit of facial palsy.

Ahhh, seems so quaint. On New Year’s I venture out of the house for our NYE dinner with a bit of foundation on my scars and pain meds for my ear. I would be out for another week to get my energy level up. Except somehow I had a fever again and the pain was back, so then I worked from home last week while I tried not to Google shingles complications

After a particularly bad night last week with much discomfort and little sleep I convinced myself that I had developed an encephalopathy associated with shingles because I felt like stepped on cow patties.

My PC was like, “It’s not a tumor.”

Instead, it was probably just a little viral bug, a cold, since my immune system just took a tumble.

Me: Cool, but I legit rarely leave the house. How did I catch a cold??

So, yeah that was last Thursday. I currently have an ear infection and pink eye. Oh and my sore throat is back but it’s a different kind of sore than it was this weekend.

Misery, thy name is ABM. A comedy of illness. At this rate I might still be on the sick and shut in list for my birthday. Not cool, universe, not cool at all.

I’m probably going to have to take another chunk of time off to properly recover. I know I’m replaceable, but I love my job and the people I work with. And I know that I’ll struggle all year if I don’t just take the necessary time now. I hate making these kinds of decisions. It’s not even a decision really. I also know that the only thing I can control at the moment is taking time to rest.

So yeah. All of that.

I told Hope that she’d better keep it together cause my breakdown will be completely unavoidable if she cuts up right now. 😂🙄

So we’re here. We’re good, well ok. Hope is good and I’m working on it.

Happy New Year peeps.

1 Comment   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , | posted in adoption, Adoptive Black Mom, adoptive parents, Black Adoption, Black Adoptive Mom, Finalization Life, Hard Stuff, Lessons Learned, Parenting

April 24, 2023

Advice for TRA Parents

By AdoptiveBlackMom

I follow numerous accounts on TikTok about adoption. This gem slid across my screen thanks to a duet posted by wardofthestate1.0.

Check it out.

This creator is ftpx1312

He got an immediate follow from me.

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in adoption, Adoptive Black Mom, adoptive parents, Black Adoption, Black Adoptive Mom, Hard Stuff, Parenting, Race

April 3, 2023

But They Would Tho.

By AdoptiveBlackMom

Howdy. I really did mean to write.

🤣🙂🤣 No really I did.

Anyhoo… Long-timers know that I have done my best to to have a sex positive home. I wanted to promote loving physical relationships, as opposed to things Hope was exposed to early in life. I wanted her to know that sex came with responsibilities, but also that yes it can and should feel good… And safe.

I emphasized the essentialism of practicing safe sex, always. No exceptions.

And then, she met the person I refer to as The Demon. The sheer audacity of that individual. They wreaked so much havoc in our lives. I legit hate the fact that they are in the land of the living.

I encouraged Hope to remember the things I taught her, if you feel overwhelmed, trust your gut. If you feel disrespected, that’s a data point. I begged her to stay safe, and even if you saw their test results.

I remember feeling relief that she said yep, even as my suspicions pressed the issue because you could buy fakes.

And that’s where I lost her.

From Hope’s lens, she had been a responsible young adult, and I was overacting.

I knew a Demon when I clocked one.

But she was right. I had neglected to coach on determining authenticity. Damn. Based on what she knew, I was now nitpicking, possibly even changing the rules so I would remain ‘right.’

In the long story, I now realize that I could’ve coached a bit more around the nuance of physical relationships, also more on power dynamics.

Hope and I have had countless debriefs in the years since The Demon. She wised up fast and now occasionally brags about how she schools some of her friends. It’s that early relationship with someone you make yourself like because *theylikeyou* and before you know it it’s the worst in all kinds of ways but you tell yourself

*theloveofherlifewouldneva…..*

Oh but they would tho.

Would and usually did.

Anyway, my point is, if you’re like me and navigating adolescence/young adulthood while trying to stay sex positive, then peep the article below. Share it, help these kids use those search skills.

Why You Should Double-Check That S.T.I. Test https://nyti.ms/3M753xn

In other news, we’re fine. We did our first panel together discussing our attachment journey at a recent adoption conference. It was fun. I was really proud of her.

I have a newly renovated bathroom. I’m so happy. I’ve got a robot toilet and a deep soaking tub.

The new boo is holding his position strong. 😁

Yappy is a loveable pup. He’s starting to show his age a bit, but he’s still my favorite fur-dude.

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Adoptive Black Mom, adoptive parents, Black Adoption, Black Adoptive Mom, Coping, Dealing with the Past, Finalization Life, Hard Stuff, Lessons Learned, Parenting

December 23, 2022

Girl, What?

By AdoptiveBlackMom

This parenting-a young-adult thing is so damn hard. I remember one time a former pastor of mine told me that God actually does give you more than you can handle in order to make you more faithful. It was powerful in the moment, but now I see that interpretation as manipulative, insinuating that everything I was already doing wasn’t sufficient… Give and do more.

Hope is evolving. Spreading her wings a bit. It’s awesome and terrifying. Her judgment is still shaky, and I kid you not, she’s into some new-ish nearly weekly.

Well in her most recent boondoggle, Hope asked me over text could she spend one night a week at her beau’s house. I replied a quick no, and braced for the firestorm.

I’m not even going to pretend to lie; my reasons for not agreeing to Hope staying out all night are complicated. I wish she was doing it from a dorm room, away at school, so I could pretend to not know anything about it, you know, the way God intended. But noooo! I have to take it on the chin and be gracious.

My reasons are a nasty mix of a conservative Baptist upbringing, fortified with a side of respectability politics and a little classism hiding up under my far left-leaning, sex-positive politics. I come from generations of clergy and this feels like the last shred of my own upbringing that I haven’t abandoned. No, bring yourself right home.

She both understands and doesn’t understand, and I totally get that. I’m considering letting her stay out on New Year… Which just sounds lame. Of course, she would stay out at New Years. Duh!

Anyway, we start talking about her adulting plans, and frankly, this is where my brain hurt.

Hope: I mean, I’m practically independent now. I pay my car note and my phone bill.

Me: *jaw drops* Um, the house costs money. I pay for your car insurance. Food?

Hope: Oh right, I need to figure out how to sign up for food stamps.

Wait, what?

This continued until I whispered, ‘Why do you want to be poor when you don’t have to be?’

Look I’ve already admitted to being bougie and sometimes classist… Back to my story…

Long story short, there’s so much she didn’t and doesn’t know that she was parroting things she heard around the way. Bless her heart, it doesn’t seem like she had so much as googled anything related to moving.

So we are starting an email thread where she can ask me questions about what it takes to move out. I suggested email because I don’t trust us not to follow communication rules in person. That said, our mutual self-control in this conversation was damn near Olympic-worthy.

So we are working towards independence in 2023. Ironically, this concept, this path, is literally what triggered our chaos seven months ago.

Yeah, really. Smh.

1 Comment   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Adoptive Black Mom, adoptive parents, Black Adoption, Black Adoptive Mom, college student, Coping, Empty Nest, Finalization Life, Hard Stuff, Parenting, The Year of the Try, Trauma

April 19, 2021

Transitions

By AdoptiveBlackMom

Decisions are really hard for Hope; she’s easily overwhelmed when she has options. Early in my journey with Hope, I learned that I had to narrow her choices if I was ever going to get her to make decisions. She can’t have more than 3 choices and some days that’s a stretch.

And overwhelmed Hope is miserable, and so are the folks around her who are silently screaming

MAKE A DECISION ALREADY!

She gets anxious weighing the options, reviewing and re-reviewing, then she panics and guilt trips herself because she knows everyone is waiting until she’s just paralyzed.

Recently, Hope spent an hour sifting thru burger places on UberEats; I was shocked when the delivery gal knocked and Hope grabbed her McD’s bag.

Me: McD’s? Really?

Hope: I couldn’t make a decision and I was hungry so I just ordered McDonalds.

Even with McD’s she self limits for months at a time: She will order the same, exact order for 5 months and then change to something else for a season. She does this because she makes the decision one time and sticks with it to avoid just sitting there going “um” at the drive thru window.

With Hope now approaching the age of 20; there are more decisions than ever. We recently had a family appointment with a doc to talk about meds. Doc explains everything, lays out 3 options in rank order and asks Hope to say what option does she think is best.

Blank stare.

After confirming that she understood the options, and confirming that ultimately this was her decision alone, she balked. We eventually got through it with some coaching and patience; she made a decision. But I could tell that our super mild mannered, even tempered doc was a little undone by the inability to make a decision.

Over the years I’ve become a lot more patient when she hits decision-making snags. I’ve adapted, but I haven’t really seen her skills improve or her anxiety go down. I’m hopeful that we will hit a turning point sometime soon.

I’m realizing that while Hope complained about how strict the military school was, she seemed so much more grounded there. The structure, the limited choices, that environment is one that kind of gave her the structure her spirit seems to demand. Her senior year, I asked her if she wanted to consider military service; but for her hatred of any physical activity, I could see her doing well in service. It also would’ve been kinda cool seeing how so much of her bio family were at some time in the military. Hope shot down the military idea hard and fast, proving that the ability to decide was in there, but only when it was something she really had a strong opinion about.

Right now, it almost feels like we’re going backwards. If Hope can avoid any kind of decision, she will. This year at home with minimal structure has not been good for her development. I am incapable of providing the structure she needs to thrive. Tomorrow, she resumes her job hunt. I’m hoping something turns up. An occupied Hope is a happier Hope–the decision-making isn’t much better, but at least emotionally she’s more stable.

I know she will get there; it’s really going to take time and lots of confidence building practice, though.

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , | posted in Finalization Life, Parenting

November 8, 2020

Busy, Busy

By AdoptiveBlackMom

I live for rest time on the weekends. The number of Zoom meetings I have during the week exhausts me. By Friday evening I just want to go to bed immediately after logging off.

These days the second shift really starts after work as I try to help Hope work towards some sense of normalcy after the summer drama. I try to spend a few hours of quality time with her and try to get her up and around a bit. It’s not easy, but we’re getting better at achieving a few small goals everyday.

This weekend I was determined to get us up and out to enjoy the gorgeous 80 degree days. Yesterday I got us up and out to visit a farm to do some good shopping: fresh pressed cider, apples, tomatoes, honey, and jams. Then we got Whole Paycheck for a sorbet Hope had been wanting to try. Then we headed home to watch Lucifer on Netflix while I made a dog sweater for a colleague.

We celebrated the election results, and enjoyed a special moment watching VP-elect Kamala Harris give her speech. Gotta say, watching that speech with my daughter was something I will never forget. For me it was reminescent of Obama’s first term and all the emotions I felt then.

Today I’ve been up since about 3:30am when Hope’s early morning insomnia antics disturbed my sleep. Since then I’ve been on the move, cooking, cleaning, bathing Yappy, finishing the dog sweater, returning Amazon items, shopping for new sheets, meal planning, reworking a slide deck for a workshop I’m conducting tomorrow, cleaning the kitchen a second time, and do on and so on.

I’m finally sitting, noshing on some reheated chicken fingers, thinking about just crawling into bed. I’m so exhausted.

And tomorrow, the rat race starts all over. I’m taking some time off later this month and a couple of weeks next month. Of course that means nothing tonight. This adulting thing is so dang hard.

Yesterday, on the long back from the farm, Hope asked me what were the top 5 things about being an adult… That weren’t material. It was one of the best and most challenging questions she’s ever asked. I talked about learning about myself, learning to be authentic, the joy of constantly learning, the freedom to do most of what I want with little consequence, and then Grammy called and I was spared from coming up with the final reason.

The exercise really did make me think hard about my own life and how I want to encourage Hope to keep pushing forward. Adulting is hella hard; it’s great but it’s really hard. Hope sees that and her first brushes with adulting have made her rethink independence all together. I low-key don’t blame her some days.

This is another busy week ahead, another week of adulting and another week of nudging Hope towards the same. Wish us luck

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in Finalization Life

October 3, 2020

The Summer of 2020

By AdoptiveBlackMom

We all know that 2020 has been a complete shit show. As we enter the final quarter of this crazy year, I’m frankly wary. This summer has especially been hard for me and Hope.

As a parent you do what you can to help your kids learn to make good decisions. It hurts when you watch them not make the best decisions, and you just hope no one gets hurt and wait close by to help pick up the pieces.

That’s what the last couple of weeks have been, working to maintain our home as the safe space to recover and heal. I thought the crisis was over weeks ago, but it got one last breath of life and as it finally expired, it left a hot mess in its wake. It’s been hard for Hope and for me. It’s so hard watching your kiddo suffer natural consequences.

Hope will be ok with time; I believe that. But I’m guessing like everyone, 2020 has changed her. In some ways I see her having gained some wisdom, which never comes easy. She is strong, and while putting your bad decisions under a microscope is always hard, I see her replaying things in her head, turning them over in her mind, questioning her reactions to all sorts of scenarios. Of course we all do this. Sometimes it’s healthy, sometimes it’s not.

During this time, I have done double duty. I’m mom first, but my daughter also needed a good girlfriend to talk to sometimes. It’s a hard flex to go between these identities, but she needed a friend sometimes. I shared my more of my own bad decisions, and the proof that life goes on. I talked about what I needed to do for me to move on to better choices. I told her she would find her way and what worked for her. I enlisted friends and her godmom to help prop her up. Hell, at one point I actually offered my daughter an edible because I saw she needed help settling down and trying to get to sleep. She declined–Mom ABM was shocked and happy she declined.

And then I mommed. I mommed so hard. I cooked, a lot, nearly daily. I made appointments. I juggled work and parenting in ways that felt like our early days. We watched our binge show on Netflix. We talked. We cried. I got her up and pushed her to get showered and dressed daily. I talked to our medical/mental health squad, sometimes late into the night. These last few weeks have been intense, and soooo reminiscent of our early days.

It made me remember just how challenging it was learning about how to help Hope and how much I needed to learn about trauma. It made me go through my own process of revisiting some of my decisions 6 years ago, wondering if there were things I could’ve and should’ve done differently. I had a breakdown, wondering if the summer of 2020 was my fault. I begged our family therapist to tell me what I did wrong to increase Hope’s risk of being harmed.

End the end, I realized that in spite of our decisions, Hope and I are still standing. We definitely have some dings, dents, and rust spots, but we’re ok.

Hope is taking some time off from school, and after the election, we might pack up Yappy and relocate outside of the US for a few months. We could both use a change of scenery. When Hope was originally planning to be in residence at school this fall before they went remote, I looked into packing up Yappy and going away for a while. Now I’m looking at moving all of us for a few a spell. I’ve joked that depending on the election results, I might just ask for asylum.

This year has a been crazy and this summer…well, it was rough. But we’re ok.

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , | posted in college student, Coping, Finalization Life, Hard Stuff, Lessons Learned, Parenting

August 19, 2020

Faking Calm In the Midst

By AdoptiveBlackMom

I am trying to maintain a relatively flat affect at the moment. It’s the only way I can try to present a sense of calm in the midst of the drama. 

And there is so much drama. 

I’m so overwhelmed that I can pretty much sit and look out into the void for minutes, maybe hours. It’s not that I can’t emote; I just don’t see a point. A fit of crying is not going to resolve anything or make me feel better. Rage will likely only make things worse and shockingly, things could get way worse. There is no joy, there is no happiness. There is love, a lot of it, but mostly there is fear.

There have been many times on this journey when I felt fear for Hope, but real talk we side-stepped a lot of major trauma drama on this journey, comparatively speaking anyway. Hope is a kid that rarely acts out. With the exception of her room, she’s pretty responsive to rules and structure. I would go to support groups and real talk, feel kind of lucky that some of the drama I heard about had not touched us. I didn’t think my parenting had much to do with it, but I was so grateful that our blues were different. 

Now, here we are, and I could tell a story very similar to my parenting pals. It is a stark reminder that no one gets out of this journey without scars. 

What makes things even more complicated? Hope is legally an adult and can legally make horrible decisions, potentially deadly decisions on her own. I can make rules for my household, but she can legit just walk away and there is nothing I can do to stop her. I feel there is little I can do to protect her. This has just made me feel despair and kinda helpless.

I had a emergency chat with our family therapist yesterday. I was hoping to get insight, to see a path forward. AbsurdlyHotTherapist basically told me stuff that ripped my heart out. It was the conversation that finally had me back in the bathroom sitting in my tub to cry, like I used to in the early days of parenting. It was everything I didn’t want to hear, and the tentative plan forward is nothing I want to be a part of, but my choices are limited. 

The irony of limited choices is not lost on me. I began teaching Hope right away that the more choices you can create, the more freedom you have to move through the world. 

I don’t have many choices, so in addition to the sadness and grief around this whirlwind, I’m feeling trapped. 

I have come up with a discussion strategy that we’ve been using since the weekend. We have a discussion for about 30 minutes or so, usually over food, and one person gets to do most of the talking to explain their side of things. Then we table the discussion for a 24 hour cooling off period. This has allowed us to avoid too many raised voices and space for each of us to speak with minimal interruption with processing time before re-engaging. 

I can’t lie and say that I”m finding it easy not to jump in and screech “WTF are you doing????”, but I am trying diligently to abide by the rules so that Hope feels safe to tell me her 19 year old thinking. 

And for the record, 19 year old thinking can be more stupid than a box of rocks. I’ve sat listening to my daughter do her best grown ass woman impersonation and say some of the most ridiculous things I’ve heard since I was 19 and doing my own baby adult stupid shit. 

Today is my day to talk; I’m trying to keep it simple, but I’m desperate to build a case that screams NO. But, I know that is not what this moment needs though. I’ve got to play the long game to help us find our way out of this maze. 

Talk about 2020 being a whole ass dumpster fire. I’m so over this year.

8 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Dealing with the Past, Finalization Life, Hard Stuff, Parenting, Teen parenting, The College Years, Trauma

July 19, 2020

Parenting a Young Adult

By AdoptiveBlackMom

This last month of staying at home with Hope has been hard for me. She has been testing limits in ways that are new. It’s normal; it’s age appropriate, and I hate it.

Since the ‘stupid games’ episode, Hope seems to have forgotten a number of truths: I no longer trust her because she lied. I rarely forget. We are not roommates; I am her mother.

This week Hope announced her plans to me on a number of occasions. She was going to the outlet to shop for shoes (Ok, she really needed shoes). She was going on an all day date (Oh really? Did we forget we were supposed to be experiencing the consequences of stupid decisions?) She was taking the car to go out on Friday.

This is where I drew the bright line. Hella irritated by these declarations brought on by Hope’s trying on of adulthood, I said no. I initiated a conversation about how I’m trying to give her space to develop some independence, but I needed her to reframe her declarations to requests. We ain’t roommates; that’s my car and she needed to ask to use it. There are still expectations of a curfew and I fully expect to be told where she’s going.

That conversation was several days ago, and I’m still struggling with Hope. She is a good kid, but she is wildly immature. She recently ordered about $100 of slime.

SLIME, y’all. 🙄 A sophomore in college and binge spending on slime. Woooosawww. Ok.

When you see those kinds of purchases rolling into the house and then get *told* about how your car will be used without any consideration about any plans you might have… Well it’s triggering.

I’m committed to not yelling, to discussing things like adults and to coming to positive resolution. Yeah, all that. But real talk, I didn’t issue any ‘declarative statements’ to my parents until I was living completely independently with my own address in another zip code. This version of young adulting is foreign to me, and I. Don’t. Like. It.

I can’t even get Hope to do the chores I ask of her when I ask, so my emotional struggle these last few weeks has me hot under the collar. Lots of deep breaths.

I have tried explain my response to these shenanigans. I have attempted to articulate my communications needs. I have tried to find some grace, especially since I only have another month with my daughter before she heads back to campus. But, real talk, I’m seriously annoyed.

And what’s even more annoying? There only so much I can do. I’m super conscious of that. This is a gray area. I need to offer some rules and guidance— less of the former and more of the latter. I’m trying to grow the trust (super hard lately) and independence while insisting on respect for me, this home and my things. I’m also hyper aware that there are things I would never do to Hope, like threaten to put her out. I did tell her that if she wanted to do all the things she thinks she’s grown enough to do, she might make plans to get and finance her own apartment next summer since somethings just ain’t ever going down here. That said this will always be home, but it comes with some rules.

I’m struggling, and the more I struggle the more irritated I become. I worry that this conflict will engulf us. I need to avoid that, but I need Hope to find her emerging lane and promptly get in it.

I’m really worried about Hope going back to school next month, what with the pandemic and all. That said, I am looking forward to missing her a bit. I’m ready for a parenting-cation.

8 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in college student, Empty Nest, Finalization Life, Parenting, Teen parenting, The College Years

May 6, 2020

Car Time

By AdoptiveBlackMom

wp-1588809687409.jpg

I saw this meme on Instagram recently, and it stopped me in my tracks. It made me reflect on the first year Hope was with me.

We had a really difficult adjustment period. I was a bit of a nervous wreck for a while there. I was exhausted. I was always stressed and nervous. I had just finished my doctorate and jumped into parenting. Not only did I not take a break, but I was still writing my dissertation when Hope was placed with me. I was a whole entire mess.

Hope was easily triggered and was prone to moments of high drama.

Sometimes we were a living, breathing disaster.

About 8 months in, I hired a sitter to come hang out with Hope twice a week for 3 hours in the evening. I used this time to try to pull myself together and get a bit of me time. I would get takeout and go to the park. I would read a book sitting by the riverbank. I would sometimes go to happy hour with friends, who only wanted to ask about Hope—the last person I wanted to talk about.

But the thing I spent the most time doing?

Driving to the park, never leaving the car, making sure the doors were locked, reclining my seat, setting an alarm and sleeping in my car. I would be so tired. So very tired.

Eventually, I never even left my own parking lot. I legit grabbed my purse and all the trappings of going “out” for a few hours. I took the elevator to the lobby, walked to my car, got in, cried for 20 minutes, set my alarm and took a nap.

Hope and I finalized our adoption about 5 and half months after placement. It was definitely the right thing for us, but it also meant that things moved very fast. Our whole process moved so quickly that it was a whirlwind—we were matched, placed and finalized inside of 10 months. I don’t think I would change much about our journey, but I acknowledge that that first year was somewhat of a blur.

I look back fondly on those moment of sitting alone in my car now. In those moments I finally had some of the alone time I craved. I could breathe in my car. I could steel myself in my car. I could rest with no demands. I could reflect on my parenting with no immediate pressure. I could come up with plans for the next day of parenting Hope. I. Could. Just. Take. Time. I. Created. Space!

I am still so grateful for the sitters who got us through that time. I provided a frozen pizza for the night,  and they took it from there. Hope adored Camille and Susanne, and they were worth every penny!  (Pro tip: When interviewing sitters, look for those social work majors, those special ed majors, psych majors who actually want to be a mental health professional. Both of the sitters mentioned above had masters in special education and worked with kids with Autism, ADHD, ODD, etc. They were awesome at managing Hope, gaining her trust and encouraging her to enjoy the time they shared on Tuesdays and Thursdays. She still mentions them fondly from time to time.

So if you are new to this journey, make sure you have car time! You will not regret it. It is good for your sanity, and your sanity is good for you kid!

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in Coping, Finalization Life, Hard Stuff, Parenting, Self Care

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