- Mother’s Day was nice and quiet. My sister took me and Hope to brunch on Saturday. I set up my new treadmill. Hope could barely contain her excitement and ended up giving me her gift on Saturday. I was really shocked at what she got me–this wonderfully sleek backpack for traveling. I had seen it on Instagram and commented that it was cool and would be great on my travels. I immediately talked myself out of buying it. Well, Hope bought it for me. It was incredibly thoughtful.
- But it was the short letter she wrote me. In the last couple of years, Hope has taken to writing me letters as a part of the gift. They are the best part of the gift. It was a wonderful salve to my soul after this last year. I’ve worked hard to be a good mom during one of the most traumatic events we’ve gone through together. She thinks I did ok and loves me. For real, I’m good.
- Oh yeah, the treadmill is nice. Super thin, quiet and it makes me happy. I’m back to taking about 5-10 minutes of each work hour to hop on the treadmill. This weekend, I’m rearranging the desk again so that it’s easier to slide it under my desk when I want to stand. I liked it so much that I did talk myself into getting a new Fitbit; the battery life on my old one was fading daily. It was time. Now I got all this sexy fitness technology.
- I’m modestly trying to scale back some of my eating. I’m swapping things out things, a protein shake here, a breakfast sandwich there, 2 cookies instead of a big slice of cake. Hey, the cookies are…special. Made them myself with some freshly infused butter. Fun times.
- I’m starting to count down the days until my trip to the beach to see family. I miss my niece and nephews loads; it’s been hard connecting with my niece. She’ll be two in a couple of weeks and I’ve only seen her in person twice in her whole little life. She recognizes me on video, but I’m anxious to see will she recognize me in person.
- Even though I’m ready to take that trip, I apparently am not ready to take a real vacation. I thought I had very well decided to move forward with booking a trip for me and Hope to the Caribbean. I want to go to the DR, and I’m also interested in starting to look properties. I want a small cottage on the beach as a part-time retirement home. I gave it a lot of thought and concluded that I was ready. Somehow though, I have not reached out to my travel agent. I lost a ton of money tied up in booked vacations last year, so I’m over planning things myself moving forward. I need someone else to fight those battles. Anyway, several weeks have passed and this week I had to face the fact that while it’s easy to say it’s not intentional–I get excited about booking trips, discussing options, looking at AirBnBs; booking airport transfers. For me not to have any effort to get started planning is making me do some reflecting.
- I’m realizing I’m not ready for outside to open yet. As much as I miss people, home really has become this uber safe place. Outside is still gross and germy and I’m not sure how much of that I’m willing to absorb yet. I’ve told my boss I have zero interest in traveling until 2022. I just feel like I’m not willing to take that risk for work. I might be willing to take the risk for my own enjoyment, but not for work yet. I intend to wear a mask indefinitely. I still have a healthy stash of hand sanitizer. I don’t think I”m planning because I’m just not ready, even if I really want to be.
- Hope got a job at Target. I anticipate that she will start in a week or two. I know that this will be a really good thing for her, and for me.
- Low key, I’m starting to looking at a 2nd car. I”m not in a rush; I’ve told Hope some of the things I need to see out of her before I am ready to make a purchase. One of those things is a down payment and insurance saved up. We’ll see!
- I spent a chunk of time thinking about Hope’s biological mom on Mother’s Day. It’s not new, but this year I just wished she had been here for Hope. I think the last year, Hope would have really benefited from that connection. I actually think of her often and how proud she should be of her daughter. I hope one day they will find one another on their own terms.
2 Comments | tags: adoption, Adoption and Bio Families, African American Adoption, african american adoptive families, african american adoptive parenting, african american adoptive parents, African American Single Adoptive Mom, COVID-19, Self-care, Ten Things, Traveling, Vacation | posted in Finalization Life
- It’s my 5th pandemic “staycation,” and…I’m over it. I have been productive, which is a word that I do not like to associate with vacations. I filed my taxes today, completed a consulting gig, worked on a baby blanket and ate some leftovers. Yesterday, I exchanged a pair of sneakers at New Balance, because I prefer to go during the week when there are no crowds. I stopped off at Lidl to pick up a few things and swung by Michaels because I needed another skein of yard for this blanket’s border. Yeah, this vacation is uber exciting…#sarcasm.
- Hope, Yappy, and I will be going to see my parentals on Friday for the Easter holiday. I booked us a hotel room downtown where we will order room service, cuddle Yappy and enjoy a change of scenery. I hope to take Hope to the museum and run around the city ordering takeout from my favorite hometown joints.
- I think I’ve made the decision that Hope and I will take a real vacation this summer. I think we’ll go to the Caribbean where I can get nice dark bronzy brown, drink from sun up to well past sundown and snooze a lot under the umbrella. I want swimsuit tan lines and a tan line from that resort bracelet that gets you an endless supply of fresh towels and booze. As much as I want an adventure trip, I am still skittish about moving around too much–I think a vacation where I lay on the beach for a week is in order.
- Hope never really got up today. It makes me sad. Yesterday we went to see a movie. Only 6 folks were in the theater–Side note: first movie in more than a year. It was weird. We skipped the snacks because we couldn’t justify taking our masks off for popcorn. Just seemed silly. Anyway, we got takeout after the movie and it was great to see Hope out, about, and engaged. It was a reminder that she’s in there, trying to figure out how to beat the darkness back. I’m guessing it was probably exhausting being up and out. Figures that she would sleep even more today. if there’s no rain tomorrow, I might see if I can lure her out with a game of tennis outback.
- It’s hard to find things to engage Hope. She’s just not at a place where she can put her own plan together. I’ve offered to get her a tutor so she can continue her Chinese and Korean lessons. I’ve told her about places that are hiring. I’ve suggested that she look into a free online class just to create some structure. I suggest a lot, and I get frustrated a lot because I keeping thinking and Hoping that one day she will be at a place in her development and healing where she might chase down a lead. Each week, especially during lockdown, I’m reminded that she’s just not there. I desperately wish I could help her in a more meaningful concrete way, but the reality is that other than supporting her and keeping her safe is my role. The heavy work of healing is her job at this point. I respect that, but I still wish there was something I could do.
- A few months ago, I bought Yappy a set of FluentPet AAC buttons. The goal is to train Yappy to press buttons with recorded words so he can communicate with me (if he wants). This is another lockdown situation in which I watched too many dog and cat videos on instagram for too many days. A couple of weeks ago, I finally opened that box and set up his first button, “Outside.” We’re on week 3 of me making a big deal out of saying OUTSIDE and pressing the button and then going out with him. He hasn’t yet intentionally hit the button, but he is vocalizing a bit more–which is a real change because Yappy just doesn’t vocalize much at all—, and he gets excited when I push the button. I know he knows the word; it’s just a matter of seeing if he decides to tell me he wants to go outside. Stay tuned.
- I’ve had a couple of more sedentary weeks. It happens, but I’m trying to get back into my moving rhythm. I wasn’t taking as many work breaks to move around; I didn’t play as much music. I didn’t get on the treadmill as much. I don’t worry about it too much in the grand scheme of things but I also don’t want the lack of movement to become a bad habit. I like it when I’m more active. Several months ago I started jumping rope, only to realize I”m just horrible at it. Folks online talking about how you can stay fit by jumping rope–Hmmmph! I stumbled repeatedly. I bought several different jump ropes because clearly, the problem was the rope. #sideeye. Eventually, I ended up with this super cheap jump rope that has a counter–that was my game changer. I am finally up to jumping 200 a day. A long-term goal is to get to 1,000.
- Yep, still eating cake every day. I’m convinced that cake heals me at night. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
- I’m thinking about buying roller skates because, at 48, I have a death wish. This is why I need to quick social media. Stupid videos and subsequent ads got me making all kinds of bad decisions. Just some of the things I’ve recently looked into as a result of social media ads: roller skates, boxed cold brew delivery (this is totally worth it, btw), CBD bath bombs, other kinds of bath fizzies, hoopless hula hoops, dog toothbrushes, workout clothes with resistance bands sewn in them. Anyway, back to the skates, I enjoyed roller skating (she says totally forgetting about the couple of times she went skating in the last 10 years and nearly ended up in a body cast–ok, a minor exaggeration. Adults look so cool on those things in the videos. I already know I’m going to end up being one of those “How it started/How it’s going” memes.
- I got my second vaccine on Saturday. What a relief. I know that it doesn’t prevent me from spreading it or getting it, but just knowing that I would survive it…that’s a lot. I mentioned earlier that Hope and I are going to see my parents; we haven’t seen them since July of last year when we went for a few hours and sat mostly on the deck in the back yard. I’m so excited to see them; this is by far the longest that I have gone without seeing them in person. I miss them. Hope is super excited to see them as well. She saw them in October when she spent a few days with them. While we had a nice quiet holiday season here, Hope really missed seeing family over Christmas. She’s looking forward to having that time with them. So am I!
2 Comments | tags: adoption, African American Adoption, African American Parenting, Emotional Health, mental health, pandemic, Ten Things, Wellbeing | posted in Finalization Life
- I went to the gyn this morning to talk about this menopause stuff. She was basically like, “That sucks, and sounds like you are doing all the right things. Good luck. #frustrated
- We took a short family walk this evening. Hope wants y’all to know that Yappy was super cute.
- She also wants you to know she choreographed a new dance, and she just announced she was going to dance professionally. This is not true. 😂😂😂
- Yes, we are jointly authoring this post.
- The Harry & Meghan interview was lit. So much tea. Sad though tho. Racism is a helluva drug. I think they really thought they could control them. Eff around and found out. And just imagine if Meghan wasn’t so fair skinned? They tripped that Archie would come out looking like his Black grandma! I mean… Trash. #basura After the way they did Diana, you’d think they’d know better, but here we are.
- Hope is still having nightmares; she says they are so sleep disrupting. I’ve had to wake her out of the terrors a couple of times this week. Yeah, it’s still bad.
- I made baked beans and sausage last night. You would think it was a high end meal the way your girl Hope crushed it with a side of toast. I’ve put another can of beans on the shopping list.
- I need to find a language coach for Hope. She wants to start studying Korean again.
- Hope also wants you to know she’s bought a new alarm clock. Cross your fingers that it works for her (and me)!
5 Comments | tags: adoption, African American Adoption, african american adoptive parenting, african american adoptive parents, Parenting, Ten Things | posted in Finalization Life, Other Stuff, Parenting, Race
- This is one of my busiest times of year and this year is no different. It’s Wednesday and I’m tired. Good news is that unlike in “normal times,” I don’t have to work this weekend.
- In my weekly efforts to step up my self-care game, I ordered a fancy bath pillow today. I also received an order I made from an Black woman-owned CBD shop in Oregon. I ordered a new face mask, and several bath bombs. Confession: my love of bath bombs might be getting out of control. I think I’ve got handmade ones from at least two companies and some commercial ones from 3 different companies. I love them, especially the fizzy ones. Anyway, I later this month I’m planning a candle binge.
- Hope is hanging in there. It remains hard to get her up and functional sometimes. I’m still creating midweek errands for her to run so that she has to get up, put on real clothes, fluff her hair and get some fresh air. I’m doing a lot of crocheting for family and friends, and so I maker her got to the post office.
- The night terrors continue; though they do not seem as persistent as they were a few weeks ago. There was a particularly bad one last week, but since then, there’s only been one other super dramatic ones. The others she seems to be gaining the ability to navigate better.
- I’m thinking of enrolling us in foreign language classes. Lord knows I don’t need anything else to do, but I miss learning just for learning’s sake and not for work. Don’t get me wrong, I love my work learning, but I could use something else for balance. Hope has a knack for language and is back on watching Asian movies and soaps. I asked if she would be interested and she said yes; whether that turns into something remains to be seen.
- I get my first vaccine dose on Friday. I am excited! It’s like one step closer to some sense of normalcy. When I got the email to schedule I could not click the link fast enough! Yes, yes, yes! My mom is hoping I get the new Johnson and Johnson one so that I”d be one and done. That would be awesome, but I’m just happy to have an appointment and to be pushing forward.
- Hope and I still haven’t found a show to watch together. Our interests are so different. When we’re picking something completely new, I try to pick things neither of us would bother watching on our own. I’ve gotten on some interesting shows thanks to the SO, but nothing that I think Hope would appreciate yet. We do spend time together in the evening. We watch something on network, show each other dumb stuff on our phones, talk and cuddle Yappy.
- Hope and I had an rough moment last week when she missed her therapy appointment. Slept right through it. That’a after I got her up and hour early and got something to eat. When I got the text from AbsurdlyHotTherapist that she missed the appointment and I was going to have to pony up full cost, I practically flew to Hope’s room. She wasn’t particularly remorseful, blamed her phone alarm clock that she always sleeps though and then brushed it off. I had to really break it down to her that missing two appointments really cuts into the household budget (technically it’s more than we would spend if we did Ubereats every week for 2+ months); prevents other folks who really need Dr. O from getting an appointment and is some BS when she insists on not taking responsibility when she knows that she sleeps through an alarm on her phone. I’ve bought her at least 3 alarm clocks over the years–don’t ask where they are or what happened. I told her she needed to come up with a sure thing solution because this is a problem. I”m recommending that she do a dry run tonight to make sure her solution works. We’ll see.
- Hope and I have also been having more grown woman talks lately. It’s been interesting to her her view of the world, and forcing back a snark because I too thought I knew the world at 19. It is sad to be lonely, to have chosen someone unworthy of you, to be caught in a pandemic with your mom, and to think you’ll never find love. I get it kid, and I wish I could definitively say that dating wasn’t a raging dumpster fire, but well, it is what it is. I do marvel that I seem to have created the sex positive household I dreamed about. Hope is knowledgeable, able to handle her business, and can make informed decisions. Of course no one said they’d be great decisions, she’s 19 after all. But I know I made the right move because she will legit ask me anything. I’d rather have a moment with my own discomfort than for her not to consider me a safe person to talk to. #winning.
- I really live for the weekends. Lazy days, luxurious bath and weekend food. We get pizza or takeout and/or graze on the weekends. There are so few things that give us a sense of freedom. I thin I”m getting good of ritualizing the weekends. I think that’s a good thing.
- I also really missing my commuting time in the car. I listened to what I want, even if it was nothing. I enjoyed the the bright distinction between work and homes, and I appreciated the hour it took to create that space for me. Yep, Ive finally sunk to missing traffic.
1 Comment | tags: adoption, African American Adoption, african american adoptive parenting, african american adoptive parents, african american families, African American Single Adoptive Mom, Self-care, Ten Things | posted in Finalization Life, Other Stuff, Parenting
- I’ve been doing yoga nearly every day since December 1st 2020. I used to do an annual December self-challenge to practice every day. It was a great way to end the year taking some time to stretch (literally and physically) and to recalibrate mentally and spiritually. I fell out of it for a few years and decided to reengage with my practice in December.
- The first few weeks were hard. I was forced to face just how limited my body was in terms of mobility and flexibility. It took nearly two weeks to really embrace the rhythm and ritual of practice.
- During week three I pulled a muscle in my neck. My body was telling me I was pushing too hard, too fast so I pulled back and worked on more gentle postures and not pushing my body past the brink.
- On New Years, I figured, I can continue this for another month. And in spite of a shitastic month, I did.
- Every night, I roll out a mat and stretch and bend. I pay attention to what is tight, what is limber. My practice is free flow. I haven’t been interested in too many standing postures at this point; maybe next month.
- Maybe next month…so here we are nearly at the end of January and I’m thinking hey, I think it can do it another month.
- It is a few minutes a day when I just breathe and let the thoughts just wash over me. I just let my body move.
- Yesterday I realized that I can now get really deep into some postures that were beyond me 2 months ago. I was shocked. I was like, “Is my whole torso really laying on my leg right now? Like without hurting?” In the midst of sooooo much personal chaos my body is still working and thriving. It was a revelation.
- I’ve also gotten back into taking luxurious baths. Hope bought me one of those bathtub caddy things with a place for your tablet, a glass, etc. I have made a point to take a long, hot, healing bath at least once a week. I got all out—bubble bath, booze, my kindle or my phone to stream something. I light candles. I stay in there until I’m prune-like and the water is cold. I often am not ready to get out, so I let some water out and run some more hot water. I have some CBD bath bombs and it really is just such a wonderful experience, especially after I have calmed myself with some yoga. (I’m about to run a bath as soon as I post this because…Wednesday.)
- While I definitely have been pushed to the brink, I am doing what I can to practice some self-care. I’m hydrating. I just bought an under-desk treadmill—it arrived today and it’s MAGICAL. I’m cooking the comfort foods that I like and eating in moderation. I’m doing the things I should be doing to take care of me. I still need to take some time, but I’m doing what I can under the circumstance.
6 Comments | tags: #TreatYoSelf, adoption, African American Adoption, african american adoptive parents, African American Parenting, African American Single Adoptive Mom, Parenting, Self-care, Self-Esteem, Ten Things | posted in Coping, Finalization Life, Self Care
- Today I breathed. It’s not that I think Biden/Harris will solve all the problems, but I certainly don’t think they will cause as many as we’ve seen during the last administration.
- Watching VP Kamala Harris take the oath of office with Justice Sonia Sotomayor with my daughter this morning was…amazing. #RepresentationMatters
- I can’t really describe the relief I felt watching the Troll in Chief and Troll Barbie take flight and disappearing.
- My only sadness is that I couldn’t take Hope down to the mall to watch it in person. Don’t get me wrong: inaugurations are cold (it flurried here this morning) and usually crowded, but the energy is amazing. It’s actually very cool and super patriotic.
- Did y’all see Michelle Obama and that guy she’s married to? (I love him too.) My gawd that woman is gorgeous. The hair, the outfit, the lashes…the gorgeous former president. I live!!!
- I really needed today. It’s like a bright spot in a dark time for me. The pomp and circumstance! The lofty, aspirational charge of it all. The hope. I needed it really badly.
- Things around here are still precarious. I’m still fighting burnout. I’m still trying to prop Hope up in the midst of new traumas.
- I think I’m going to tackle my front closet and my bedroom closet. They are both a disastrous mess. I was always taught that your closets are a reflection of your life, and well, those 2 closets are a disastrous mess. I’ve been consciously avoiding them for months. I know that tackling them will help.
- I also need to do some purging. Things feel really cluttered around here. So, stuff has to go. Of course I’m also still shopping for a new low profile treadmill; so part of my motivation is to make room for new ish.
- I’ve been really trying to be more introspective right now. I’m honestly feeling a bit lost. Motivation is low. I slap on a functional face on workdays and feel like collapsing after 5pm. I really have not experienced these feelings in a very long time. I don’t like it, but I’m fighting through.
4 Comments | tags: adoption, African American Adoption, african american adoptive families, african american adoptive parenting, African American Parenting, African American Single Adoptive Mom, African-American Adoptions, Ten Things | posted in Finalization Life, Hard Stuff, Other Stuff